Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas 2011

It's Christmas Day! Happy Holidays!

This year was a wonderful holiday. Got up, had cinnamon buns for breakfast, opened presents with my family, and spent the rest of the day with my extended family at my aunt's house.

I got a bunch of awesome things this year; Wilton tip set, L.A. Noire (Xbox), Star Trek Legacy (Xbox), Bing Crosby/Frank Sinatra Christmas Album, cake pop stand, Gilmore Girls Season 4, cupcake ornament, portable clothes steamer, an old Hilary Duff CD, and a couple of other little things.

Hanging out with the family was nice too... got to see a lot of people and watch my cousin's wedding in Mexico video from November. Got a little teary eyed, not gonna lie.
It was really nice to see everyone... just a really relaxing holiday.

I really missed having Steve there.. he's really become such an integral part of my life that I miss him when he's not around. Knowing that he was having not the best holiday made it much worse. I think being able to talk to him earlier made us both feel a lot better.

Tomorrow starts the beginning of major bumming. Until I go to see Steve on Friday, I'm going to spend most of this week playing with video games and watching movies. :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Weekend Recap

I probably had the most amazing weekend ever.

Steve came down late Friday night and we exchanged Christmas presents. Unfortunately, his calendar wasn't here yet (it got lost in the mail), but I showed it to him on Shutterfly. See, I made him a custom calendar for this upcoming year with each month highlighting something he likes. He LOVED it! I was so excited.. I worked so hard on it! I also got him a Blu-Ray, and an Xbox game, then I made him Oreo Chocolate Chip cookies and a Batman ornament. :)

He got me some stuff for my Xbox (games, techie stuff, etc.), a couple stuffed animals, and caffeinated chocolate. It was so cute! He put so much thought into everything.. I love that boy.

Then Saturday we got up early to take the train into NYC. We had so much fun! We went to Madame Tussand's Wax Museum.. took so many pictures!

Steve with The Rock

Me and Frank Sinatra

Probably one of the funniest of the day.. Oh Paris Hilton. 

Flirty flirty ;)

He got captured! NOOO!

This is just a handful. Barely a handful. A thimbleful. It was so much fun! Then we went to lunch at Linda's inside B.B. King's.. Good food, horrendous service. From there we went to Times Square.. 

Look at my handsome man! :)

And Toys R Us...

A nerd holding Nerds! ;)

Calico Critters!

 We were going to ride it, but the line was ridiculous! But next time we go into the city we're definitely going to!

He flipped when we saw the dinosaur...

From Toys R Us, we went to see my friend Anna from college. She graduated last year and moved to the city. Since she works at the MoMA, which wasn't too far from Times Square, we stopped by to see her. It was so nice! We decided we need to see each other more often. 

We went from there to see the Plaza and FAO Schwarz. 

The Eloise Tree at the Plaza

The Palm Court

In front of the door to the Plaza

Steve and Lego Indiana Jones

First floor of FAO

Then we went back to Times Square...

So freakin' handsome. 

And we had dinner at Planet Hollywood. 



Steve was nerding out so bad.. I have so many pictures of things on the walls from that place! Most of them I don't even know where they're from, but I uploaded everything to Facebook regardless. 

We went through Times Square...



I love this picture of him. 

Then we went to the Disney Store and M&M World. 

All the chocolate!!

We went past Radio City Music Hall and the big ornament fountain... 



We finished off our day by going to see the tree at Rockefeller Center! 

The lady we asked to take our picture did a fantastic job!

Sunday we lounged around, relaxing together. 

It was the most amazing weekend. I cannot even express how much fun we had, and how much I love this man. I'm so glad he finally got to experience the city, and I got to see it during Christmas like I've always wanted! Best. ever. 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Fiftieth Post!

My weekend didn't exactly go as planned, I guess you could say.

I went to the Emergency room twice this weekend for pleurisy, an inflammation of the lining of the lung. It's so painful. I cannot take a deep breath beyond shallow breathing, and it hurts to even move sometimes.

The first time I went they told me what it was and told me to take Tylenol and Ibuprofen, but I had to go back because it hurt so bad that I was crying. I couldn't even breath shallowly without it hurting. I got a shot and a prescription for oxycodone, which surprisingly isn't doing much of anything. It still hurts a lot, but I want it to get better! Not only because I don't want to be in pain anymore, but I want the NYC trip with Steve to still happen!

I go home tomorrow, but it should be interesting. I have to pack tonight, and maybe even load my car, but I don't see it going well. See, not only can I not breathe correctly or move, but my shoulder is killing me too. I think those muscles may be trying to compensate for my lung.

This just sucks a whole bunch. I just want to go home.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

About that time...

It's been a couple weeks since I last updated, so I suppose I should keep my few readers apprised to the goings on in my life! My goodness!

Well, the past week at least has been a big ol' ball of stress. The end of the semester usually is, isn't it? The problem wasn't that I had the usual end of the semester workload, but there were various things in two out of four classes that I hadn't done over the course of the semester that I needed to do. A real slacker would have just said forget it and moved on, but I'm only a mini slacker. At some point I usually realize that doing work is important to good grades, being successful in college, etc. So I made this horrendously stress-inducing wall of note papers outlining each assignment for each class; it was color coded and everything. Definitely a helpful strategy. A good thing to discover as a senior in college, obviously.

However, just this evening I finished all the really strenuous work that I had to do. All that's left before I go home on Monday is editing three papers and making a cheat sheet for my open notes final. Not too bad, considering I have the entire weekend to do it with the other classes completed. I also have a presentation tomorrow, but that barely qualifies as a presentation even since all I'm doing is reading a one and a half page paper which summarizes the topic and arguments presented through my final paper (which, by the way, was only supposed to be eight pages, by mine was NINE!).

Thanksgiving has happened since my last post, hasn't it?! Oh my! Let's talk about that.
Okay, well. This was probably one of my favorite Thanksgivings ever. First of all, Steve came down late Wednesday night. We went over the a friends' house so he could meet them, and then Thursday was actual Thanksgiving.

Now usually, my family hosts Thanksgiving for my mom's side of the family. Since my cousin had gotten married the Friday before Thanksgiving in Mexico and was then on his honeymoon in Bora Bora, the holiday crowd was pretty small this year. But it was really nice! And to top it off, my dad's sister (my aunt), who we don't get to see that often, had extended an invitation to me and my sisters to go over to her house for dessert once our holiday was over. This was the first holiday in my twenty one years of life in which I've seen both sides of my family on Thanksgiving. It was a gift that I hope continues to happen for many years to come.

Friday I took Steve to the Miele's house so he could finally meet Julie and Joey (he had met the girls over the summer when he first came down to CT). We had a blast, and they seemed to all really like each other. That night we decorated the tree (in record time, mind you, since it was my parents, my sisters, me, and everyone's significant others... eight in total!).

Saturday we hung around for the majority of the day, but went to mass at St. James, which proved to be a frustrating experience due to the changes to the Catholic liturgy. What the fuck were they thinking with that shit?! *Don't get me going.*

Anyways. So after mass Steve and I went to dinner at Panda House with Kristina, stopped back at the house briefly, and met out at McCoy's. What a night we had. Not only was it the usual drinks and karaoke fun, but Steve got to meet all my youth group friends from growing up.. literally most of them. A lot of people came out, some of which I even hadn't seen in years!

Sunday it was more lounging around, but Steve did get to try Danny's! Overall, it was a fantastic holiday, a type which I would love to repeat.

Things to look forward to:

  • Tomorrow night Megan is having a program with cookies. I like cookies. 
  • Friday Megan and I are going to Walpole to do a photoshoot at sunset in Alyson's Apple Orchard. Hopefully we won't get kicked out or anything. 
  • Also, tomorrow night we're gonna get drunk and watch Christmas movies. I'm wearing my snowman pants. Fuck the what. 
  • Saturday is GrooveBoston, a giant traveling dance club. I'm going drunk. I've pretty much decided I'm spending the majority of this weekend drunk. 
  • Monday I get to go home! And I am going to go see my Academy kids.. I miss them so much!
  • Next weekend Steve is coming to CT and we're going to NYC.. he's never been to the city... I'm pumped to show him around (based off my own limited knowledge, but whatever. It's gonna be wicked fun). I've always wanted to see the city at Christmas. 
Also, on a sidenote, Steve and I celebrated 4 months.. well, technically yesterday since it is past 1am as I am writing this post. So Dec. 7th, for the calendar challenged ones. 
It's been an amazing four months, and I hope to have many more just like it. I love him. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Oh my. Life is good.

Oh my.
Life is good.

I am so ridiculously happy these days I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm finally embracing who I am, and allowing myself to live for me, not for anyone else. I'm not obeying what other people expect of me, or live my life according to someone else's rules.

I have definitely changed a lot this year. A lot of people have been calling this my "coming of age" year. I would have to agree. I am a completely different person than I was at this time last year. Now, I'll be completely honest. Past Loretta would probably be appalled at who I am these days; who I have become and how drastically my values have changed. But I must say: I am so happy with myself. I am finally at a place where I can say that I am comfortable with who I am and how I handle things that occur in my life.

Things with Steven are amazing. We have been going strong now for 3 1/2 months! And I can honestly say without any sort of a doubt: I love this boy. He is so incredible. I have never felt like this about anyone, and I feel so lucky to call him mine; to have him in my life.
He's going to be spending Thanksgiving and the Thanksgiving weekend with my family! I am so excited I can't even handle it. He's finally going to get to meet a bunch of people from home, and some of my extended family. This is the first boy who I have ever really introduced to my family, so here's hoping it goes well! I'm sure they'll love him as much as I do. He's a charmer, so he'll be fine. :)

I am so loving my life! AHH! I can't even form coherent thought to explain what it is, but I am just in love with my boy and in love with life.

Oh my.
Life is good.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Pass It On

This past weekend was Emmaus XXX! It was absolutely incredible. It's hard to describe what Emmaus means to me, but since Emmaus is part of the title of this blog, I feel it necessary to feign an attempt.

Emmaus has been a part of my life since 2005. My best friend introduced me to this retreat since she had made it a year prior and had family who were on team. Though my sisters had both participated in multiple Emmaus retreats during their high school years, I was a bit apprehensive since one of the ploys of Emmaus is that practically everything is a surprise. You're not told much at all prior to attending. Little did I know how that weekend would change my life and the person who I would become.

I can honestly say that Emmaus is one of the the most important things in my life. Without it I would not be complete. Growing up around such an amazing group of people I learned something very important that I feel like many people are not given the opportunity to learn.

I learned what love really is. I mean, yes everyone experiences love, whether it be with friends or family. But love on Emmaus is a completely different ballgame. Love on Emmaus is like that feeling you get when you're standing at the edge of a mountaintop, or when you accomplish your biggest goal. It's that feeling of being on top of the world, of complete joy; that feeling where you don't think life can get any better. The feeling when you're driving in your car and you smile for no reason. That's what love on Emmaus is like; it's like being on top of the world. I really am at a loss to describe it to be anything different from that. It's not like it's really something you can explain in the first place anyways, but I tried!

In any case, the love I have found through Emmaus also brought me to what I had always wanted. For as long as I can remember, I had a fantastic immediate family. When it came to my extended family, however, we were often broken. On both sides, there was little stability with the exception of a few people. We were never a close knit type, only seeing each other on holidays. And, for as long as I can remember, I had always wanted this other type of family. A family where you could show up at their house randomly; where you could talk to them about anything; where there are periodic picnics for no reason. Just like, real family. Since I understood at a point that my family could never become this thing that I was looking for, I asked God to send me a man who had a family like this so I could at least marry into one. Whatever it took, I wanted that family. I would do whatever it took to get there.

Emmaus gave me this family I had been searching for. They are what I had been looking for for so many years. I cannot even express how much they all mean to me; how much I love them. The unconditional acceptance and love I have experienced through these incredible people. It's hard to even form words beyond how amazing they are; if I could pour out my soul onto this blog and show you how much they mean to me, how they saved my life. They saved me. For that and many other things, I will be eternally grateful.

Hence, I come back around. Emmaus is the place where it all started. Emmaus, in companion with the amazing people on it and the love of the Lord, saved my life. I would not be here today if it had not been for them, or be the person I am without them. Emmaus is an integrate part of not only my life, but who I am.

I love you all. <3 <3 <3
Pass it on.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Long Time No Post

It has almost been two months since I last posted! This is terribly unfortunate, and I apologize greatly for my absence.

Things have been going well. I can't even say I've really been that terribly busy, I just am in senioritis mode hardcore. I really don't want to do work; ever really. I just want to sleep and eat and watch TV. It's much worse than when I was a senior is high school. I'm getting mostly everything done; every once in a while something slips through the cracks that I cannot bring myself to actually do, but I'm getting through I suppose.

I went to the health center on campus for something last week, and they weigh you when you go in. I was wicked nervous, anticipating weight gain supreme since I've come back to school. I've only gained twoish pounds! I was very happy to see that. My thoughts towards food have definitely gotten better since the semester began, but I still constantly worry about gaining the weight back.

Steve and I are coming up on three months! Every moment I spend with him is amazing, and every moment we're apart I miss him. I am falling for this boy, growing closer to him every day even when I'm not with him. He makes me so happy, and I can't even describe how lucky I am to have him in my life. He is showing me so many things about the world, about myself. He probably doesn't even realize it, either. I'm learning how I should be treated; how special I am, which is something that I seriously thought I would never say. Overall, he is just wonderful. Mmmmm. :)

It's only October, but I'm already starting to get pumped for Christmas. I'm already planning out what I want to get people, bake, etc. I absolutely love Christmas season.. the baking, the clay ornament making, the music. I'm currently planning out a Christmas album for this season.. I haven't recording Christmas music since 2009, so I think it's about time to do some of that. It will hopefully feature some guest artists as well, various friends and even a couple that I don't really know. I'm actually really excited about it!

This weekend I'll be going to Brighton again for Halloween festivities; Steve and I are both wearing military garb as well as some other friends. We're all gonna look awesome walking around together. I'm wicked excited for it.

Emmaus is coming up! Ten days, I believe, is the count now. We have an amazing fifteen candidates, which is absolutely ridiculous. I don't remember the last time we had a weekend that large. It's the 30th anniversary weekend, too, so it's going to be awesome. I finally ordered an Emmaus hoodie, and it's at my house waiting for me. I cannot wait to wear it.. I've wanted one of those for years. I can't wait for Emmaus.. I really need it this year. My neighbor is going to be a candidate, and my cousin is working on team for the first time. This will be the first weekend at which I will have biological family. While over the years I have considered the Emmaus community my family, without question they are, it'll be really cool to have actual blood family on the weekend. I've always been one of those orphans.

I love that the fall weather is finally here; I've been waiting for the cold. The only problem this year is that since I lost so much weight, none of my winter clothes fit! Everything is so big on me. I wish I had more funding to go buy some new clothes. I suppose belts will just have to do for now.

I really miss baking. I did so much of it this summer, that now I'm kinda going into withdrawl. There are so many amazing recipes I've discovered via Stumbleupon, and I want to try them so badly. I think I'm going to do a lot of baking once I get home for Christmas.

I still miss my little boy wicked badly. His mom sent me a link for their online photo album, and he not only got a little haircut but his new aupere is there now. He has grown so much! I sent him a little KSC t-shirt, which I thought would be ginormous on him, but it fits him perfectly! I'm going to try and see him over Thanksgiving break. I cannot wait to see him, but I must admit I'm nervous he won't remember me. He's so little still, afterall, and now that Edna is there and he seems to really like her, it'll probably be really difficult for me if he won't come to me or anything... I'm gonna miss that.

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do once I graduate. I know I want to try and move to the Boston area still, but what I will do there is still up in the air. I suppose it's just scary to think about trying to get into the children's theatre industry; it's so narrow especially since I don't have a degree in theater. However, my resume regarding children's theater is somewhat impressive for my age, so hopefully that will work in my favor.

I don't go to counseling anymore. I decided to stop; I found myself really struggling to find things that were sufficient enough to talk about. I think a lot of what needed to be discussed revolved around the fact that I'm changing a lot as a person and the catalysts of these changes. I needed to talk about the stuff with Tim and how hurt I was by all of that. It's been amazing to find out all these things from various people now that I'm back in school... the information that I missed along the way is purely shocking. It's sad that I was so head over heels in love with him and I was so blinded by that that I allowed myself to be treated like shit and didn't even realize it.

What's great is that now that I'm with Steve, I have found a balance. I am not constantly giving of myself to please him, but balancing him into my life; there is give and take instead of just give. We communicate beautifully, he makes me happy, I don't obsess over him.

I was just telling a friend today how I finally am at a place in my life where I feel as though I am allowing myself to be the person I want to be; the person I feel as though I've stifled for years. I feel as though things are finally starting to go right.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Rawr.

I really could not think of a title for this blog, since I literally have no idea what is about to be written. Sorry about the lameness emanating from the title space.

Classes are going well thus far. I think it's going to be a decent semester. I would really love to make dean's list again, since I've only done it once since being in college. I think it's definitely feasible, as long as I don't bomb the various exams that are scattered throughout the semester. It's one thing to write or do a paper, but exams and me don't get along very well. So hopefully, I'll be able to get through without just having to scrap by.

I am seriously considering starting a second blog in which to publish my creative writing. I have a lot stored up, and my collection is increasing daily, being that I'm in two writing classes this semester. I already have a name for it. I think this weekend I'm going to start that :)

I went to see my boy this weekend. I cannot even tell you how much I adore being with him, and how much I adore him! He is so good to me and so much fun to be with. After other relationship experiences I've had or my friends have had, I've come to the conclusion that it is completely imperative that I am not only completely comfortable to be myself with my partner, but that I can have fun with them. Laughing is very important to me, and without laughter, my life would literally be incomplete.
He makes me laugh. I am legitimately happy when I am with him, and every once in a while, I look at him and wonder what I did to get so lucky that I got to be his girl.

Spending so much time in the city (Boston) lately I am starting to realize more and more how much I want to live there. I need to really start  looking into jobs/pastry schools in the Boston area. And living situations. I'm thinking about talking to my sister to see if any of her friends are looking or anything like that. Who knows where this will lead. O boy. Growing up is scary.

I really should go do homework. Yes. Homework. Here we go.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I didn't buy a toaster.

Well, I didn't buy a toaster. I will soon, but I just didn't get to it this weekend. I needed to buy some other things, and I need to let my wallet cool down I think before I buy anything else. My goal is to spend money on nothing except gas this week. Hope that goes well.

Had my first counseling appointment today. We didn't really get into much, since they're still doing all their initial paperwork. I walked into Emily's office and she asked me if one of the grad student interns that are new the the center for the year could sit in on my session. Absolutely! I can't even tell you how many times I've had interns shadow or sit in on my sessions. It's kinda familiar to me. Whatever, I guess it went well. I have a feeling Emily isn't going to put up with my shit like Pam did.. I have a feeling that I'm actually going to delve into things this semester.

My boy was here this weekend! I can't even tell you how good it was to see him. I literally saw him turn the corner onto the street and ran out to the car. It was amazing to have so much time with him. He is so incredible. Like, I can be romantic with him, I can be silly, I can be serious. The other day I found out some upsetting information and he listened to me vent. I guess I'm just not used to being treated well. I used to think the other boy I was with treated me well, but I have realized that I was blinded completely by how into him I was. There were so many lies, so much dishonesty there.
But now I have Steven. And he is so completely incredible that every day I ask why I am so lucky. How the hell did I get this boy? And on a side note, tomorrow is our one month anniversary. This will be my first anniversary since I was fifteen. Not gonna lie, kinda excited. :)

It's funny. Something I've realized from this whole thing is how completely disconnected from my faith I am. I don't think I really thought about it until I went to ask someone why I was so lucky to have Steve.. and then I realized that my first thought wasn't to ask God. I was just putting the question generally out into the universe. I guess I just had some things come up when I was home and wasn't going to church, and then I stopped talking to God. I don't think my faith has been quite right since my Nana died in 2008. I was so angry with God, and I don't know if I ever quite recovered all the way from it. Don't get me wrong, I am not angry with God. But I guess I just am not relying on Him as much as I should be. I do miss Him. I know I need Him in my life. Why can't I just open myself to Him?

Semester is going well so far. I just submitted my intent to graduate today. That was freakin' scary. I am getting so old! And I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life when I graduate in May. I have a general idea, but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to make it happen. I've never been the type to push to get things done. I'm more likely to quit then keep going. I don't know why, and I hate that about myself. I think I might be so afraid of failure sometimes that I don't even try. But this is my life. I have to try.

I'm changing so much. Emily in counseling today was basically highlighting that what I've been pointing to is that I'm distressed with how much I'm changing. My mind is caught in a bit of a whirlwind, trying to hold on and accept the new me. And I do accept her. I think there's still just a lot of the old me leftover, and she's struggling with some of the changes in this new me. I'm learning to step out of my comfort zone, step out and not let other people stop me from doing what I want to do. I am finally being my own person, living for me, and though it's awesome, it's scary as hell.

So I guess, pray for me. Just, pray for me. I am so incredibly happy, but I think there are a few conflicts going on in my brain and I could use some prayers.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Toaster.

I learned that we're allowed to have toasters in the dorm. WHAT? So excited. I'm going to be buying one this weekend and using it to make waffles and cinnamon toast. YES. So pumped.

I had my intake appointment at the counseling center today. Going into this semester, I had every intention of not going to the counseling center. I mean, I've been seeing a counselor since three weeks into my sophomore year here at Keene State. Feeling as though I was in a relatively stable and good place, I felt like I could handle things on my own. However, in talking to other people and hearing their observations of me, I come to find out that I should "talk to someone". I'm not really opposed, since I've spent years in therapy.
So when I went in and started talking to the counselor about 'why I was there', I realized that there really is a lot I could work on. I think it might even be more just trying to find closure and work out mentally a lot of the things I've suppressed from the past 6 months or so. I think this will just be healthy to talk it out. Course, the counselor said, "I'm gonna need to think about you for a couple days". HA. I thought that was funny for some reason.

STEVE IS COMING HOME TODAY! As I'm typing this he's in route to the airport. He's coming home today, and then in three days, he's coming to Keene. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen him. Like I said in my last post (or at least I think I did), I'm gonna tackle that boy when he gets here. We were talking on the phone the other night and decided it's probably going to be a very 'violent' reunion, but completely and totally worth it. I smiled while I typed that whole paragraph. I'm such a dork.

So I had to write a short story type of thing for my creative non-fiction class. It had to be creative non-fiction, of course, about us or something we've learned. I started writing, and I ended up writing a piece about the little boy I watched all summer. It came out a lot different and longer than I expected, but I'm pleased with the results. So yay!

Life is good. Life is good.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Small Recap.. Because I'm Bored.

Alright, well orientation week is finally OVER! Thank the sweet Lord.

To start off the week, we were meeting in Tiffany's office every day for hours trying to plan out the orientation program that we would be putting on for the freshmen later on in the week. It was quite the hellish ordeal. My roommate ended up crying on more than one occasion.

In the end however, we came up with an awesome program that we put on four separate times. We were known among the orientation groups as one of the funnest programs to go to! Success! The kids were all really engaged and seemed to have a good time while we still managed to present the material that we deemed necessary for them to attain. So yay!

Steve is currently at PAX Prime in Seattle. I get to see him in six days! It feels like it's been forever since I last saw him, but it was only August 15th. But I mean, it feels sooo much longer than that. I hope that this week flies by so that I can see him. I pretty much have warned him already that I'm going to run across the parking lot and tackle him. It's really cute though, because he said he was probably going to do the same thing. Despite it sucking that we aren't able to see each other, we've gotten to talk on the phone and the trillian instand messenger while he's at work. And we send each other pictures, which is fun. It's so nice to open my phone and see his gorgeous face. I'm such a dork. I can't even type that without smiling. Gracious.

I think I'm finally settled into the fact that I'm a senior. I am a senior. I *am* a senior. That is crazy!! When did I go through three years of college?! Now, I'm not ready for the real world, by any means, but I think by the end of this year I should be okay. Hopefully. Because by then, I don't really have a choice in the matter.

On another note, I made an appointment with the counseling center. I wasn't going to, but I have been advised by a couple different people that it might be a good idea. Since the crazy weight loss I went through was such a traumatic time and since I never talked to anyone about it.. I guess the general consensus seems to be that it would be a good idea for me to talk to someone. And I don't know.. maybe it would be. I mean, I've kinda found myself slipping back into old habits of completely stuffing my feelings instead of dealing with them. I can tell you the last time I cried. It was so long ago. April 22nd, I believe. Sometime Easter weekend. But I'm pretty sure it was the 22nd. So hopefully, whoever I'm paired with will be able to dig through whatever risidule shit is leftover or might be still affecting me.

And on a completely separate note, I love Planned Parenthood. For a long time I was kinda on the fence with how I felt about them, and in the past few years I have discovered how much I really appreciate them and what they do for women. Two for you Planned Parenthood, you go Planned Parenthood. :)

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I Could See It...

I think I may understand now how people say they don't want to do long distance relationships. It's hard not seeing Steve all the time. I mean, we're in the midst of an almost three week stretch without seeing each other. This past weekend I was moving to Keene, and this upcoming weekend he is going to PAX Prime. So, basically, we have to wait. And it really sucks. I miss him so much.

But here's the thing. I have now figured it out. I always used to think, 'Why the hell would someone put themselves through that? Find someone closer!'
No. Here's the thing. When you care about someone, and I mean really care about them, and you can't imagine life without them, or imagine being with anyone else, you wait. You wait as long as it takes just to see them, to hold them, to talk to them.

And I will wait, too. This boy is completely and totally worth the distance. Completely and totally worth waiting for.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Things to Think About...

So I was thinking about my life today. Being as I am barely two days away from my senior year, I figure it might be time to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.

First of all, work. Obviously, I want to get into children's theater. I would love to be able to direct. It's really all I do in my spare time anyways.. I go to the theater and I help with various adolescent theater programs. I enjoy it immensely, and I cannot imagine my life without it. So logically, one would assume this would be a good life path for me. However, it could be difficult to make a decent living do this. I don't know much about actually working in such a field, but usually anything in the arts is rather unstable. And since I don't have any official theater degree, it could be even more difficult for me.
So if the theater thing does not work out, I think I'm going to go to pastry school. I love to bake, this is hopefully not news to anyone. And I could easily see myself baking the rest of my life. And getting paid to bake and decorate cakes? That would be amazing. I need training though, if I'm going to do that. So pastry school is my next choice.

Second, living. I am thinking more and more each day about moving to Boston. Both my sisters are in the area, my boy is there, and I love it there. I used to hate all cities, but recently something snapped in me that turned me on to it so much. I want to live in the Boston area so badly I can't even stand it.

Before all this, however, I have a senior year to get through. And I have a feeling it's going to be absolutely amazing. Not only am I living with my awesome ridiculous roomie again, but my class-load is easier, and I'll be seeing my boy all the time!

I still cannot get over how amazing he is. I miss him so much! I don't get to see him again for another 14 days. This weekend I'm moving back to school so we can't visit, and then next weekend he's going to PAX Prime, so he'll be across the country being a completely adorable nerd. Hahaha I wish I was going. I actually am getting a stronger desire to attend a PAX.

But yeah. My boy. He is incredible. I have this instand messenger installed on my computer now so we talk while he's at work. The whole time I sit there laughing and imagining the faces he's making.. the way he would say what he's typing. True, we have not known each other long, but I can hear his voice at certain things he types. He's so... just..... mmmmmm. :)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

My fairy-tale continues..

It's now been over a week since Steve and I became official.

It's so completely strange. I feel like I've known this boy forever. Literally, we've only known each other a little over two weeks now. And as crazy as it sounds, I feel more comfortable with him then I do with even some of my friends I've had for years.

Like I've said before, he is incredible. I can be my complete and total self around him. This is a really big deal for me; something I've always looked for in a relationship. Even in some good friendships I've felt as though I have to hide parts of myself.. opinions, views, emotions.. even little quirks in my personality. With Steve, I don't have to hide anything. He accepts me completely for who I am, and tells me I'm beautiful in the process.

He is incredibly sweet, funny, thoughtful.. He makes me laugh.. I smile just at the thought of him.. the mention of his name.

I cannot say enough nice things about this boy.. This wonderful boy that I keep thanking the Lord for.. This boy that is, in short, the knight in my fairy-tale. Steven Joseph Lane.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Fairytale Summer

I haven't even been going out with Steve for a week. It's been 4 days now. 4 days, and I can already tell that this is going to be better than any time I spent with Tim. People have been asking me all week, "Is he better than Tim? Is it too early to ask this?"

One would think it is too early to ask. But this boy. He is already giving more to our relationship than Tim ever gave to us. Steve cares about me, he cares about my well-being. And what I love is that I am comfortable to be my complete self around him, something that I was never to do around Tim. With Tim, I felt as though I had to hide parts of myself in order to gain his affection and approval. I don't have to hide with Steve. I can be me, and I can't even tell you how happy that makes me. 

You know, there is a video. I took a bunch of videos the day of Tim's senior recital, and the one of him singing This Is the Moment always got me.. it was the moment I realized I was in love with him. And ever since we broke up, no matter how much time had passed, it was difficult to watch. And I eventually stopped trying, assuming I never would be able to. It made me hurt, no matter how much of a dick he was being. It made me miss him, and those feelings of love would come flowing back. 

Today, just for kicks, I tried watching it. It didn't hurt. In fact, I wanted to reach through the screen and punch him in the face. At this point, I can honestly say, I am so over it.And this will be the final post about it. It is over. He is not worth my time, my interest, my emotions. At one time, I was in love with him, yes. There's no way to change that it happened. But it is so over, I can't even illustrate how over it is. I'm done. 

But now, I can also honestly that I am finally happy again. I have been able to find joy in life. Things are falling into place like I never expected them to. I always start off summers saying that I would love it to be a fairytale summer.. have fun, be in the sun, relax, meet a boy, etc. Just be happy, so happy that sometimes you laugh for no reason, you look around and smile at nothing. Your heart skips a beat when you breathe in. You jump in your seat jamming out in your car. You roll in ecstasy at the thought of how lucky you are to be alive, to be living the life you are in. 

And finally, for the first time in my life, I had a fairytale summer. 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

4:52am

4:52 am. August 7, 2011.

This is my new anniversary. The boy is now my boy.

He is absolutely wonderful. He's gorgeous, funny, respectful, fun.. I like everything about him. He makes me smile, and I'm so comfortable about him. It's hard to believe that we literally only met a week ago. I've never had something move this fast! But, no gonna lie, I am completely and totally okay with it. And he is too.

How did I ever get this lucky? :)

Thursday, August 4, 2011

It's certainly been a while!

Well, my few blog monsters (by Gaga's usage of that word, one must assume the new meaning for it means fans), I cannot believe it's been nearly a month since my last update! That will just not do. I sincerely apologize for my absence.

Well, what a month it has been! One of the main things that I've been doing is taking care of my little man. He has literally become most of what I do. I spend over forty hours a week taking care of him at times. And over the course of this ridiculous summer, I have fallen in love with this sixteen month old little boy. And now his new aupere is here.. and next week is my last week. And I can't imagine not seeing him. This might be harder than I thought..

On another note, I went to visit one of my sisters last weekend in the Boston area. I usually get stressed out visiting people, but I had so much fun! We went to a club called Bootie Boston, and danced the night away.. it was awesome. And then the next night we had a party! Great times..

And did I mention the incredibly amazing boy I met while I was there? Yeah. Um, he's adorable and super nice and is coming to visit me this weekend. Just talking about him takes my breath away. Oh my :)

Monday, July 4, 2011

Wedding Post

So my cousin got married. She's the first of my cousins to get married, actually. And honestly, it could not all have gone better if I'd tried to make it.

Honestly, I was a little nervous about this weekend. I don't see my dad's side of the family often, and when I do, I usually end up angry at all of them by the time I leave wherever we're at. A long time ago, I realized that we were the outsiders. See, my dad has two siblings. An older sister and a younger brother. For years growing up, his sister and brother were kind of a family unit without us. It just got worse as I got older.

I always wanted their love and attention. As a child, I didn't really see it. I didn't see the neglect that I would later feel. I cannot tell you how much of the time in therapy I have had over the years has been spent talking about them. There is so much anger there.

And for a while, I had decided that I would just hate them secretly and not care. I had convinced myself that I didn't care. But I do care. It took me a while to realize it, but no matter how much time goes by, or how much I try to convince myself that I don't care, I do. The little girl who longed for their love and attention is still alive and well, stuck inside crying out for them.

Despite this, I always get nervous about seeing them. Because usually after seeing them, I am beyond angry. Any feelings of forgiveness that I have worked out usually dissipate after seeing them.

This weekend, however, was different. Maybe it was the ambiance of the event.. I don't know. All I know is that for the first time in a long time, I felt love for these people when I was with them. Not all of them, mind you. My uncle and his family are still quite a sore spot, but my aunt and her family... it was so wonderful.

The wedding was great, absolutely beautiful and I hope mine someday is similar to it. Then the day after we had the post-wedding/holiday picnic. Also really nice! Before I left the picnic that night my aunt told me not to be a stranger. She said that she would love to see me more...
I don't know if that's ever happened.

I really feel completely blessed. I am in shock, really, of both how well it went and my emotions surrounding it. But overall, I feel completely blessed. I remember in the middle of dancing at the reception with my family and looking around at my extended family everywhere I thanked God for this joy.

Honestly, I never thought I would get that feeling with them. When I'm with either my mom's side of the family or Emmaus people (who really are a whole other family to me) I get this feeling of love.. joy.. completeness. And never in my life did I ever feel that with anyone from my dad's side.
But this weekend, I did. And I cannot thank the Lord enough for the joy that has brought me. I hope I can continue to make progress of my forgiveness.. I think I need to go back to therapy.

See, I stopped going to therapy when I started dating Tim. My counselor said she had never seen me so happy.. and that she would keep my slot open for me but that she thought I was in a good place to stop coming in. At the time, I agreed. But when I look back on it, that was the stupidest thing I think we could have done. She should have explored with me why being with Tim made me so incredibly happy all of the sudden.. while the answer seems obvious, I'm sure there is more there that is worth investigating.

So in short, I think in the fall I will go back to the counseling center. If they won't set me up with a regular counselor, I'm going to be asked to be referred out. I had hesitated from this in the past mainly because transportation to somewhere off campus would have been a pain in the ass, but now that I have a parking spot next to my dorm it shouldn't be a problem.

I really just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. Comfortable not just when I'm alone, but with other people. Confident in who I am as a person.. not feeling as though I have to hide varying aspects of myself in order to gain approval. How I have not found even where to start in all the time I've been going to therapy? I'll never know.

I will give my past counselors major props in one regard though. They have helped me sift through a lot of shit and understand a lot of my feelings regarding certain situations that I would have otherwise might not ever discovered.. like my issues with my sister and brother-in-law.. issues with theatre, anxiety, my family, etc.

In any case, I got off on a tangent. So in other words, this weekend was a blessing. And it has really made me realize that I should get back into therapy. I think that knowing that progress with my dad's side is possible will be instrumental in the healing process and finally create a basis for forgiveness and reconciliation.

Left to right: Brian (cousin), Tracy (aunt), Uncle Barry, Aunt Kate, Steve (uncle), Kelly (bride and cousin), Adam (groom), Sarah (cousin), Dad, Mom, Me, Bridget (sister), Kevin (brother-in-law), Monica (sister)

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Overdue baking post

Okay, so my cousin got married yesterday and it was wonderful.. but the weekend is not over yet! So I will be posting about that soon.

However, last week I had a couple of baking adventures which I feel the need to blog about now.

Here we go!

Here she is! The first cake I made last week was a three level 21st birthday cake for my friend Cait. This was  most definitely the biggest and most difficult cake I've ever made. The bottom layer was yellow cake, the middle was funfetti, and the top was red velvet. (Honestly, after having the red velvet I think the whole thing should have been so). We tinted vanilla frosting green and then added royal icing flowers. I also made those dark and white chocolate butterflies, complete with edible pearls, which were also then added around the entire cake and on the frosting. 

This cake was really a learning experience for me. A lot of things went wrong with it and I learned a lot about cake stability, temperatures, etc. Everyone loved it, however, and Cait was thrilled. So, I suppose mission accomplished!

The next cake was for my friend Kayla's graduation party. I made a two layer white cake with strawberry filling and white frosting. I did all the detailing that you see (i.e., the balloons on the side, the dots, the edging) with royal icing. Then the lettering and the graduation hat were done with decorator's icing, and the frog was drawn out in white chocolate. 

Out of all the cakes I've made, I think I am proudest of this one. I just love how it came out, and how professional it looks. I am now officially a fan of decorator's icing, as well! Didn't really expect it to have such a fabulous consistency, but it did :)

So there it is folks. Wedding post to come soon, but hope you enjoyed hearing about my cakes! :)

O WAIT! Forgot one. 

These were so delicious it would be a crime if I didn't share. These are chocolate cupcakes with whipped chocolate frosting topped with chocolate sprinkles and chocolate chip cookies. CHOCOLATE is the key word for these cupcakes. AND the best part? The middle of each cupcake is a chocolate chip cookie. I haven't made something so tasty in quite some time. 

These were so good I can't even express to you the level of salivary satisfaction I had upon eating them. I made these for Monday Meatball Madness.. and who knew how much I would love this recipe?

My next adventure? I think trying out some of Bakerella's recipes on her website. I really want to try making Pillow Cookies..... :)





Sunday, June 26, 2011

I'm screwed... o well.

So, I think I'm ready to discuss this.

As of June 21st, Tim and I have been broken up for two months. If you had asked me even a month ago if I would ever feel how I do now, I would have probably said no. Never. But here we are.

And where is that? Well, here goes my best shot of articulating whatever is going on in my brain.
Tonight I went to 6pm mass, as is usual behavior for me on a Sunday. Since I've been home from school, I have found it really refreshing to sit by myself during mass and use the time as a mini retreat.. to collect my thoughts and be with God.

Be with God. I feel so far from Him, yet so close. I feel as though this time period in my life will be one of those that when I'm in heaven looking back, there will be only one set of footprints. (Look up the Footprints poem if you don't get it).

I came back to my seat after communion and knelt. Every week, I let out a huge sigh; I feel as though church is the only place where I will allow myself to feel all the emotions that are coursing through my veins, to let my guard down and deal with what's going on inside. It feels like such a heavy pressure is pressing down, closing in. And honestly, the only place where I can attribute this feeling is Tim.

I thought I would never feel this way.. this......
Well, I suppose the best way to explain it is this. When we first broke up and for quite a while after that, whenever I would remember things, relive memories, think about him... I hurt physically and emotionally from missing him so much. And again, like I've said before, I don't think I will ever stop loving him. Even being in this place right now where I am so frustrated by him, I still love him.

But Fr. Tom said something at mass tonight and last week too that has really had me thinking. It was about how unforgiveness can be so heavy and exhausting to carry, and it's best to surrender it to the Lord.

A long time ago I fell in love with the word 'surrender'. The act of giving yourself completely over to something or someone is so beautiful to me. So surrendering completely to the Lord is beyond compare, and something that I have always struggled with. I just tried to type a sentence about how I trust the Lord.. but I think a lot of the time I don't. Maybe it's just that the things I want most out of life have not happened, and I'm tired of waiting.

But in any case, Fr. Tom was completely right. It is exhausting to carry around this unforgiveness. I think it took me a long time to figure out that that's what it is. I think I have been holding a grudge.. which if you know me you know I never do.. but, I think I'm angry with Tim. Again, I always said I wasn't, but I think deep down, all along, I was angry.

I was angry he didn't want to stay with me. I was angry he didn't give as much to us as I did. I was angry he acted so immaturely after we broke up... well, I suppose I should turn these into 'am's. I AM angry.
I am angry I fell so hard for him.. so hard that it I'm still trying to get back up.

So the thing I wanted to discuss was just that. I don't think I really miss him anymore. I am angry and hurt, so I am cutting him out. I hid him on my newsfeed. I am not going to text him anymore, or chat with him, or anything. I am done. Beyond done. I am done letting him hurt me, over and over and over.

I just really really really want to get back up. And I don't want him to be there when I do. I need to move on.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Weekend...

So I had a very interesting weekend. I think this is probably the most confusing year I have ever had... and it's only half over.

So on Saturday, we had the Emmaus reunion from the last PIE at the Miele's house. Seemingly normal. It was nice to see everyone.. very similar to Meatball Madness except without the meatballs. I got to hold a newborn baby.. less than a month old. So cute!

Then the plan was to go out for drinks; a kind of belated birthday celebration for me. So we were supposed to go to a place called Marisa's.. a bar with dancing and a DJ. We got there, and there was a private party high school reunion, so we had to relocate. We ended up at a restaurant/bar.. there was a band playing, a pool table. And it was an older crowd. Now this was kind of a let down since Marisa's would have been a mixed crowd, but this place was the older mix.

So the night started, I started drinking. Fine whatever. Hit on by the Emmaus guys who were there.. the old married ones. Ha.
Whatever. We were having a good time, fine. But then, drunk Loretta thinks it's a good idea to make out with friend Dave. I had kinda had a crush on him, but didn't act on it since he had kinda been hooking up with a friend. So I was making out with him all night.. and this friend was there. And saw, obviously.

So long story short, she got hurt. And it was my fault. Course, here is what I'm wondering. He was sober. I was the only drunk one in this equation.. what was he thinking?

And the funny thing is the following: I was not thinking about him the majority of the time I was making out with him. I would say 70% of the time, I was thinking about Tim. See, my plan was that once I moved on to new guys, it would help me get over Tim. I wouldn't have to think about him anymore, miss him anymore. But, NOOOOO. That would be too damn convenient. Why can't I get him out of my head? I want to, I promise. But he won't leave my brain...... my heart.

So here in lies my problem. There was a big thing the next day, which is all fine now, except I told Dave that something like that could never happen again because so many people were upset about it.. and how I didn't want it to affect our friendship. He responded with the following (plus some other stuff, but this is the important part that is relevant to this post): "If you want to be friends, I can do that, but I'd really like to ask you on a date".

Um, what? I don't know what to do. I told my friend that I wasn't interested in him, so even if I did have feelings for him, I couldn't act on it anyways. I don't see it working out, but I don't know what to say to him. I feel like a jerk since I made out with him all night and then to be like, well, I don't like you.

Who is this person I am becoming? See, all I want is a relationship. I want someone who puts in as much passion as I do, someone who will be there for me as much as I am for them. I want someone to love, and who loves me completely. The problem is, I don't know how to go about getting this in the right way. What do guys really want? This man that I'm searching for; what is he looking for? I suppose I should just be myself, but I'm not sure I know who that is anymore.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Update

So I realized the other day that I never posted about my weight loss challenge that I made a few months back. If you remember, in this blog I set a goal of losing 35 lbs on February 18th. The end date of my goal was my 21st birthday, being June 4th of that same year.

I am happy to say that I have lost 37 lbs! So I made my goal! Which is something not only that I thought would never happen, but has never happened before! I want to lose about 10 more lbs, and tone up significantly. I don't see that happening really while I'm home, but once I get back to school I will definitely be spending some time at the gym since I'll actually have time now :)

Also, I got the job babysitting the 15 month old! Yay! I'm a little nervous, but hopefully it'll work out! :)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Sharing my baking

I completely forgot that I wanted to upload my latest baking endeavors for your viewing pleasure. It was completely tasty and wonderful, and look fun! Here you go!

These are "bridal party" vanilla cupcakes with whipped vanilla frosting and chocolate leaves. 

Aren't they fun? :)

This is a closeup of the leaf so you can see the detail and so you can see how fluffy that frosting was! Look how the leaf sinks into it. Love! :)


it's been a while.

It's been about 10 days since I last updated, and compared to where I was a month ago, I am doing considerably better.

The play just ended, and I could not be prouder of my kids. They did a phenomenal job this year.. probably my favorite show and cast to date out of all the 9 years I've been working on the shows.

I am starting to bake as a source of income.. kinda as a side jaunt off the hobby department.. for friends and family.. that sorta thing. I just got my first call today.. I'll keep you posted as to what happens with it!

As for income in general, I went on an interview today for a consistent babysitting job.. the type I've been trying to line up for years. It would be for a 15 month old little boy, who by the way, is the most precious thing ever. And I would get to play with him, take him places, etc. It would be awesome.. I find out Friday if I got the job! Before I left the dad said he was leaning towards me over the other applicants, so I have a pretty good feeling about it :)

As for the relationship crap I've been dealing with for quite some time now, I am doing exponentially better. Tim being in Europe for 17 days was probably the best thing that could have happened. Having him be completely absent from the internet, which was where all our communication occurs, gave me time to heal and do some serious self reflection. The more I think about and talk it out with others, meaning one person, I'm learning that what everyone was saying was true. He was not the one for me.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every second of our time together, and I learned so much from him. And truth be told, given the chance, I would probably jump to be back with him. But, I have to move on. I don't think I will ever stop loving him. There will probably always be a piece of me that does; but I know for both our sakes, we need to move on to new adventures.

I think about him less and less. It used to be all the time, from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep. Sometimes even in sleep I would dream of him. I am happy to say Tim Price has not been in one of my dreams in over a week! Yes! (Not that I don't enjoy his company, but really. It doesn't help having him around in my psyche..)

Something strange happened to me recently, as long as we're on this type of topic. So, since I wasn't on Blogger for the extent of my 'goings-on' with Cisco, you, my readers, are likely to not know the back story here beyond what I posted before. And honestly, it's really none of your business. However, you should know that I did not talk to the boy because of our falling out for over a year. It was really quite a thing we had going on. Now, he's been coming to the rehearsals for my kids. He was there to help them out a little since he had been in Grease before.. you know, character development type inspirational stuff. Whatever.

So, he was around. And somewhere along the way, he promised the kids he would since "Mooning" for them, since that was the song he had to sing when he played Roger back in the day. And who, may you ask would be his duet partner, Jan? Me. Of course. Because none of us saw that one coming.

So on our last rehearsal day, we sang for the kids. It was strange. Up until then, I had convinced myself that we had both changed so much.. "I wasn't attracted to this kid anymore! Thank God!"

WRONG. We sang together, and it was like everything fell right back into place. It was the us I remembered. I was so drawn to him in that moment. Which stuck with me, obviously. And then I went out, got a little tipsy, and did some texting to him. I really need to stop doing that. But I think it's the only way I have enough courage to say what I really want to say.

A couple days later, he tells me he's having an emotional crisis.. a mental breakdown, if you will. He's having relationship issues.. "I don't want to hurt her."
So I tell him to follow his heart. Do what's right for you, I say.
Something inside me got excited. I don't know why. I was shocked. I was thinking to myself, "Stop it, you can't be with him. He's not the one for you, are you kidding?"
Gracious.

What, brain/heart, whoever is in control right now, are you doing to me? I thought we were done with the Cisco thing. Is this rebounding from Tim? Cisco, really? He is NOT the boy I'm supposed to be with. He doesn't want kids and barely believes in marriage. Seriously, not the one. And I know that, I do.
But why am I still sad they are together?

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Recap

So yesterday was my 21st birthday. Finally legal, what?? :)

I have to say, it was an awesome birthday. Started out the day pretty much how I do any other day lately; shower, hang around, eat something. Then around 5pm is when things started happening! My two friends Kristina and Alyssa came over, we had dinner, and then headed over to the elementary school where I've been helping with the play, Grease. I started running around, as per usual, making sure everything was in order. Stuffing programs, miking up the kids, etc. The play got underway; my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, and my two friends came to see the show.. I gotta say the kids did amazing last night. My only complaints are completely based off other people being dumb. Adult wise, that is. A couple of the songs were off tempo, which you could tell was screwing the kids up. But really, they were amazing.

So after the show I got changed (into party clothes, of course) and headed over to the bar. We had such a good night. So many people I knew were there besides all the people I was with, so that was really fun. I had four and a half vodka/cranberries and a shot of tequila/jager. Man oh man was Loretta drunk. They had karaoke, too, which was awesome. I sang twice!

But here's the part that I think I enjoyed the most. Not only did I feel hot and amazing, but I think other people thought I looked good too! There was this one kid I went to high school with who hasn't seen me since I was a junior, and he was telling me that he didn't recognize me because I looked so amazing. He must've said "Really, good job!" to me (in reference to how well I've aged, apparently) about three times.
Then I got some random kid's phone number. He literally walked up to me, said Happy Birthday, gave me his number, and was like "Hi, I'm Steve, gimme a call sometime". HAHA. That never happens to me! I was so confused! I'm used to being the ugly one in the group.. but I was the one with guys coming up to me all night!
I danced with some other random kid for a bit.. no idea who that was. Talked to another friend from high school who is so friggin' hot I can't even stand it.
The bad parts of the night? Probably two drunk dials made to the same person.. which were later perpetuated by a private facebook message I sent. So embarassing. But they say drunk words are sober thoughts, right? Completely true.

So overall, awesome night. Seriously, it was fantastic. I got wasted, but I didn't get sick, and I felt great about myself for the first time in a while. Yay! 21st birthday: success.

Friday, June 3, 2011

It certainly has been a while..

Well it definitely has been a while since I updated. Last night I was thinking of updating and then I realized what was happening all these days when I didn't blog. I think I was subconciously avoiding my blog. Strange as it sounds, but it seems to be the only safe place where I can be completely honest about how I'm actually feeling and what's going on in my head. And since I haven't been enjoying what's going on in my head, and been trying to supress how I'm really feeling lately, blogging would bring those feelings up. But I know I have to face them eventually, so here it goes.

I miss him still. I know you as my readers are probably sick of hearing about this whole thing, but even though it's now been almost a month since I've even seen him, it's still all very real for me. I talked to him recently, however. Anything that had been left in the air, the questions I had.. they are no more. We talked about it all. And when I say talked, I mean Facebook chat. Beautiful, right?

I just had to get some answers, especially before he took off to Europe for more than two weeks. Since that time could be used if necessary. I was waiting for him. I think I secretly thought that he would turn around, get his shit together, and come back to me.

He's not coming back to me. It's very hard to admit I know that. He's not coming back to me. He's not coming back to me. He's not coming back to me.

He says, we have to start moving on. Ha. We are not going to be doing anything. There is no we, remember? You ended the we. I was ready to give everything, to risk everything, to give us a chance. But you weren't. Which is fine. But know this.

No matter what anyone says, what anyone tells you. I was in love with you. And it wasn't about anything else except you, as a person, wholly and completely. I wanted you. Not gonna lie, I still kinda want you. It hurts like nothing I've ever felt, but I still want you.

I'm doing better overall though. It doesn't make me feel like I'm going to vomit when I think of being with someone else besides him. I'm using the time he's in Europe to stop clicking on his profile so much. To stop listening to his CD. To stop watching the videos. To stop rereading conversations. To stop looking through pictures. To get out of my dark room and bed and go enjoy the world.. well, try to at least. To flirt...

Ow. Okay that last one was harder. I feel like I won't be able to get over him until I meet someone new. I'm in the market for my new boy. So, if you know of anyone for me, my few readers, let me know. Don't tell them about Tim. They just have to be wonderful. Completely wonderful.. because they have big shoes to fill.

Friday, May 20, 2011

i need to vent. ready? go.

Okay, so I already kinda vented on needtotellsomeone.com the other day, but i need to vent again. Ha. And guess who gets to listen? You, my few blog followers!

Again, this post will most likely be mostly about Tim. Very sorry, but really, it's all I think about. So, here it goes.

So you know how when someone changes their profile picture on facebook, it shows up in your news feed? Well, the other day, I noticed that among the many people who changed their profile pictures that day, Tim was one of them. So, as any person does, since facebook is a place to foster creeper tendencies, I went to his profile to check it out. I clicked on his profile picture so I could see it bigger, and noticed something disturbing after doing such. When in his profile pictures album, I noticed that the picture he had of the two of us for a while during the time in which we were dating (which he had changed with multiple other pictures since) had been deleted. Not just, oh, I'll change my profile picture. It was completely deleted. Naturally, I became very upset. How much do I really mean to him if he's trying to eliminate evidence of us? Is he moving on?

Now, of course, then comes the most important question: Am I reading too far into this? I don't think so. While I most definitely overreacted with a passive aggressive facebook status that ensued a mini-text fight with Tim (we've made up), I question what caused him to need to delete that picture after all this time has passed. We're coming up on a month that we've been broken up. And I can surely tell you, it has felt like the longest month of my life. The most difficult, painful, and excruciating month of my life. Maybe with the exception of when my Nana died and I started college, this has probably been one of the worst months ever. I hate to say it, really, because I feel like I'm falling into that trap of something I have always tried to avoid.

I always told myself I would never be that girl. The one who completely devoted herself to someone so that if it ever ended, she fell apart and didn't know how to exist. I am that girl. I truly don't know what to do with myself. I haven't felt happy since I was with him. Yes, I've had some fun times, but as soon as I start having fun, something reminds me of him, and I feel like jumping off a bridge. No, wait. That's a lie.

I don't feel like jumping off a bridge. I feel like getting into my car. Getting into my car and driving two hours and thirteen minutes to New Jersey and walking up to his front door and kissing him.

I'm starting to fall into questioning myself. I didn't do that in the beginning, because I knew it was completely his issue, which I guess I still know, but what did I do wrong? Plenty, I'm sure. I'm beginning to doubt myself.. my worth... how much I really meant to him. I guess that's the hardest part. Knowing how much I meant..... mean...to him. Does he still care beyond "Oh, well she's my ex-girlfriend and I feel obligated to make sure she's okay?"

It's so hard to have a relationship.. friendship, that is.. online. Or through technology in general. I can't tell what his facebook im's really are trying to convey.. or what emotions are behind his text messages. It sucks.

You know, when I got home from school on May 7th, it was really like living through the whole break-up all over again. I suppose being at school and still hanging out with him was hard too, obviously, but this is worse. Not seeing him, is worse. I think seeing him kind of put on a sort of mirage for my brain.. my heart. Telling both that he was still there.. that things weren't that different. But see, here's the thing. They are different. So different.

I still miss him. It's funny, yesterday I got together with an old friend and we discussed our history. We hadn't really talked beyond drunk dialing in over a year. It was because we had a falling out. See, here's what happened. I never really talked about it online because it was another one of those things that was really hurtful and awful. But, I mean, this happened before I had this blog, back in my livejournal days, so I suppose this story could be out in cyberspace somewhere. Well, here's the Reader's Digest version.

Basically, we had been friends forever. Me and my friend Cisco. We figured out yesterday that we've known each other for almost seven years. We began having feelings for each other, and we both knew it. Somewhere along the way, we both got too chicken shit to do anything about it. Except, November 2009, that all changed. I told him how I felt. He had known all along, but it was better to get it out in the open. Both our emotions went crazy, we made out in my car (my first kiss), and then I went back to Keene. Over the course of that month, while we were texting flirtatiously back and forth, he had other things going on. By January, he had a girlfriend. Who wasn't me. So I stopped talking to him. He led me on and hurt me terribly. I was never in love with him, but he was so close to me that I didn't understand how he could hurt me so. And there's lots of other stuff that I'm not going to talk about on my public blog, but it was complicated. In short, it was awkward. And yesterday, we hashed everything out. And now we're good. And it's awesome.

It's funny because I used to miss Cisco. Eventually, I stopped missing him in the romantic sense. But see, we never went out. I never was in love with him. Were there a lot of complicated emotions that went along with that whole thing? Absolutely. But it was nothing like this.

I used needtotellsomeone.com to basically write what I want to say to Tim (but can't) in a sort of letter form. It felt so good to get all of it off my chest, but it made me realize something. And talking to Cisco about it helped me realize the following as well.

I have no idea where to start in moving on from Tim. Obviously, at least I think, he may be starting to move on. I would wait for him if there was something to be waiting for, but I can't wait for him forever. I'm not going to put my life on hold and wait for him to get his shit together if he's not going to. I feel like whenever I talk to him, I'm being annoying. Or that having a conversation is like pulling teeth. Maybe it's the guise of the internet, and knack it has for confusion since one cannot really tell what a person's emotions are based off that.

::Sigh::.

Why does this all have to be so friggin' complicated? Honestly, I feel like God has betrayed me a bit. I remember the day we broke up I was crying hysterically as I was driving home, and at one point I started screaming at God. I asked "Why did you send him to me if you were going to take him away?"

I know at least a couple reasons why Tim was sent into my life. He showed me how I deserve to be treated, for one thing. My self confidence went through the roof compared to what it was before him. He brought me back to music. So many things.

What scared me was that there was nothing about him that I wanted to change. For me, he was perfect. And then, like that, he was gone, and not mine anymore.

I think he may have even said something to his mom about how it makes him uncomfortable that she contacts me on facebook still.. commenting on statuses, etc. She doesn't do it anymore. Seriously, Tim. What did I do wrong?

Maybe they were all right. All those people who told me that there was more going on. Which I know is completely true. You have a lot going on. Internally, externally. But I was there for you. Constantly. Unconditionally. And you couldn't see it. You couldn't let down that wall. You always spend so much time caring for others that you can't even let someone care for you.

And as I sit in my room every day and wish you were here.. as I listen to your CD and your beautiful voice.. as I look for myself in the wake you left behind.. I think of how Saturday will be the only anniversary we will celebrate. The one month mark of being broken up. Awesome.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I suppose I should update...

I suppose I should update. That's what people typically do when they have a blog, right?

I want to apologize in advance, as this post will most likely not be very uplifting, adding to a newfound theme of depression in my blog. But I am being completely honest with you, my readers, since I cannot be completely honest in real life. When I started this blog, I promised I would not censor myself, and with recent goings on, I feel that there is nothing that should squash that promise.

So, I've officially been home for a week now. It's felt like an eternity. This is the first time in all the years I've been in college that I've actually wanted to go back. It's a very strange feeling, but I really don't want to be home. I want to go back to school. Yet, I can't figure out if it's only because I'm missing people so much. And when I say people, I miss my friends, yes, but we all know who I'm really missing. This week has been really tough. I think it finally set in that Tim graduated. Then again, there's still a little part of me that expects to see him when I move back to Keene in August. It's not going to happen.

A lot of things I want probably aren't going to happen. I want him back. As much as I try to avoid it, or convince myself that I'm a completely functioning person without him, that I am better without him... I'm not. I can honestly say with all sincerity that the happiest I have ever been in my life was when I was with him. It's funny, right before Saturday I went down to his room to pick up a CD from him and we had a discussion. I wanted to talk to him before the craziness of graduation started, before everyone showed up and we wouldn't have any more time alone. I told him how much I was grateful for him; I mean, despite how things ended so soon, he did do wonders for my self confidence and esteem, he showed me how to appreciate music again.. I haven't sang like this in years.. I told him I didn't regret anything. And we talked about how I was worried that we'd lose touch.. he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Are you kidding?"

Here's the problem. I know it's been hard for me. And I know it was hard for him in the beginning especially, but we're very similar in the sense that he doesn't show how he is really feeling most of the time. He would rather get hurt himself than hurt other people, so he's not the type to flaunt his pain. I don't know where he is at in this whole thing. See, I think I'm just... I was about to type confused, but I'm not confused. I know exactly what I want. I want him. I want Timothy Ryan James Price. But I don't know where he is, there's the confusion.

I suppose my confusion is completely based in him. What are his feelings about us lately? Why is he still putting up this wall... I can feel it, his family can feel it.. ugh. This just sucks. Plain and simple. I feel bad that I keep talking about to, well, everyone. But really, it's the only thing going on in my brain. And missing him this much, pretty much all of my energy goes into getting out of my bed in the morning, so I apologize, but I can't stop. When you love someone like I love him, and this is how things are, there's no getting around this shit.

I have a little plan for myself however. I'm going to give myself the majority of the summer to think about it. I have my 21st birthday coming up and my cousin's wedding (where I hear there are going to be lots of hot single men); so another words, there's going to be opportunities to meet new man type people. While right now thinking of being with anyone else hurts the hell out of my heart, I am going to try to be open. And if at the end of the summer I still can't stop thinking about him, and I still want to be with him, than I'm going to talk to him about it. Until then, I'm going to attempt to be pleasant.

I think my dilemma is since I don't know where he is in this whole thing, I don't know how much contact with him is appropriate. I mean, I struggle with, "Shit, Loretta, do not text that boy", but yeah. It sucks. I can't even turn off my phone either, it won't turn off. Piece of crap. But, he's going to Europe with his parents (his graduation present) at the end of the month, so that's at least a couple week stretch where I have no choice but to not contact him. He'll be in Europe on my birthday, which is probably a good thing since I have a tendency to call and text everyone I shouldn't when I'm inebriated.

So I suppose to sum up, I'm a mess. No getting around it, it seems. My name is Loretta, and I can't stop being in love with Timothy Ryan James Price. I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem.