Saturday, December 18, 2010

First Attempt at Cake Balls!

Ah yes, so I made cake balls! :)
They were actually wicked fun to make and they came out tasty and looking pretty darn cute.. I have to say I am pleased.

I promise my pictures will be better next time, but I was in a rush. But aren't they cute?!
The ones with the red stripes on top are yellow cake with vanilla frosting on the inside, and the green in chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. There are a couple white chocolate, milk chocolate, and dark chocolate in this tin. Yum! Today I had to finish packaging them so I would stop eating them. They are really good!
The awesome part is that they're pretty rich too, so after one I'm satisfied! Sooo that means that whenever I make them they'll last a long time. :)

I'll be interested to try some of the shaped ones from Bakerella's book.. I had trouble keeping the chocolate smooth on the cake balls, and hers always come out perfect! I guess I'll just need to practice... but I don't have a problem with that.... :)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


This will hopefully be the first of many posts chronicling my love for baked goods.
A suite-mate of mine is moving out and not returning for the Spring Semester, so we had a going away party. Of course, I made cupcakes.

Aren't they beautiful!? They looked a lot better in person, and tasted amazing. These are chocolate cupcakes with vanilla frosting hinted with milk chocolate, covered with crumbled chocolate creme pirouettes and semi-sweet chocolate S's for Stephanie, the girl whose party it was.
The recipe for the frosting was one I made up in a pinch after an incident with caramel. Originally the plan was the have caramel in the frosting, but the second it hit the frosting, it solidified and was crunchy and gross. So, a few hours before the party making these cupcakes, I ran back out to the store, got more frosting, and tried again with something new.
I used one can of vanilla frosting with 3/4 a Giant Hershey Bar, melted down, to produce a beautifully light but sweet and tasty frosting for my cupcakes.
Then I crushed the pirouettes in a bag and lightly covered the tops with them, sometimes pressing them into the frosting a little so they would stay.

It was difficult to get the S's in place, but eventually we got them all in and they were beautiful!
My next adventure: Cake Balls! I recently purchased Bakerella's new book, and am SO looking forward to trying out cake balls! I've also been following the blog on her website for a while now, so I pumped to maybe try some of those recipes too!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

this post might be strange...

Please read the title of this post, because I feel it is very important to preface what I plan on talking about in this post.

I am very shaken up this morning. In my dreams last night I had a multitude of experiences that I feel I must write down so that I not only will not forget but so also I can make sense of them the best I can.

There were two very powerful dreams which I had last night, but due to the fact that this blog is not private, in my own discretion I am choosing to only recall one.
This dream, which is almost like a story, was very realistic. Now, I don't dream normal dreams. My dreams never have a realistic plotline, and telling people about pumas in my backyard or midgets trying to kidnap my dad or being chased through a sneaker factory usually ends up in laughter. But this dream, I hope, will not provoke the same reaction. I myself was practically in tears upon waking up this morning.

Also, this is fresh, since I have only been awake for maybe ten minutes, but I have to write about it. I have to.

Ok, so here it goes. The basic premise of the dream was that I was pregnant, which if any of my readers know me know that this is something close to my heart that I would love to experience someday. But I was pregnant now, actually, about three weeks ago. It was right before Thanksgiving break, of this semester, and I was getting in my car to drive home. It was no different from the reality I experienced, except I was pregnant. I got in my car, and shortly after, my water broke. I continued driving, and during the three-ish hour drive from school to home, labor progressed steadily and I found myself at the hospital.

Here, unfortunately is where my memory of the dream jumps. The next thing I remember is being in my parent's room at home, looking down at my beautiful son in the bassinet on their bed. Now, I've had dreams about having babies before. This is nothing new. But the thing is, I have never gotten to see them. I always am either pregnant, and then wake up. Deliver a baby, and wake up before they hold them up for me to see. Never once have I seen their face. But I will tell you this, that little boy, though a figment of my imagination, was one of the most beautiful little babies I have ever seen. He was sleeping, his little nose pink with warmth and his little tongue coming out every once in a while to say hello. When he opened his eyes, they were a rich brown. He had blonde hair and was dressed in all white. I picked him up, and he felt so warm and comfy on my shoulder.

This, again, is strange. I have never held one of these dream babies. Never touched them, never felt what their little bodies felt like. But this little boy was perfect. Over the Thanksgiving break when I was home, every day I spent cradling my little boy, holding him and rocking him. And then, we put him in his little carseat and went for a ride. We passed houses and houses, eventually coming to one house where we stopped. We got out, bringing my boy inside with us. A couple, probably late 30s, greeted us, and showed us a room where they were all talking about "this is his new room".. I could see what was happening. I was giving them my beautiful baby boy.

The thing I have wanted forever, and I could still feel this real longing in my dream, was being given away. Eventually, I handed over my baby painfully, got back in the car, and pressed my face against the window as we drove away and I sat there, baby-less.

Thanksgiving break ended, and I moved into the dorm once again. I went to my Literary Analysis class, where my teacher was asking us for our papers that we had due.
I told her that I didn't have my paper.
She was upset, asking why, and beginning to reprimand me for not doing my work.

Then I burst out that I gave birth over break, my water broke on the way home and I labored in the car, and I gave birth to a son, but I had to give him away. I gave him up.

I began to cry, and she suggested the class pray for me. As I sat sobbing surrounded by my classmates, this is when I awoke. Now mind you, my teacher is not of any religion that I know of, and only a couple people in my class believe in God.

I have so many questions. This was such a strange dream. But here's the thing that I find most puzzling. I have taken this time in advent to try to grow closer to God, and last night, while reading the Bible, I asked the Lord to draw me closer to Him, and as I read Hebrews 13, I felt touched. But, I still had questions. Questions of what my life would be like, questions when I would meet my husband, or get married or have babies. Hebrews 13 does talk about marriage and sex, but nothing about babies. Why this dream?

Lord, I am so confused.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Folks Dressed Up Like...

Tonight my roommates will be engaging in their normal Friday night activities. As per usual, by my own choice of course, I will most likely be sitting in my room watching whatever movie is on ABC Family and wishing I went to a different college.

There comes a time often in my life when I'm not sure what I'm doing here. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends here, they're fantastic. But sometimes, they'll say things or do things that really I cannot get on board with. I feel like I've truly lost a piece of myself while attending this institution (which will remain nameless for my own safety, obviously). A lot of people had told me that I would love it here, and I do, but I feel lost sometimes. Like I not only don't belong here, but like I'm some outsider that holds such a level of beliefs and standards to my life that it seems frivolous to even bother trying to defend what I believe in, whether outwardly or just within myself.

In this same regard I think I am being tested. This school, is my test. Or at least, I hope it is. Because usually, if you pass a test, one would think you get some sort of reward at the end. And I am hoping that reward is finding my husband. I honestly don't think I will find him here, but you never know. But realistically, I don't think that my husband is here. I don't know if I've met him yet, but maybe I have and just don't know what's going on.

But I do know one thing. I miss this person and I don't even know him. I am lonely, and there's no disputing that. I miss him because he's not here, and I hope he finds me soon so I won't be lonely.

It's kind of like how I need to draw closer to the Lord again in my life. I long for Him as I long for my husband. I know that they're connected and that without the Lord, even I do find someone in this life that is not of the Lord, there is no way that it can work if I cannot allow the Lord to love me.

This is something I definitely struggle with. I have this problem where I have a terrible time trusting people, especially men. I've been hurt a lot by males, and so it only comes naturally I suppose to not trust. I only hope that by learning to trust in the Lord I can learn to trust whatever man He sends me.

The activities are starting.. time to go be social, I suppose.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

it's the most wonderful time of the year

Well, it used to be. I remember a time when Christmas season was literally my favorite thing ever. But I guess the stress of regular life permeated into this Utopian illusion was bound to happen sooner or later. Finals are going to kill me. Well, all of this last minute end of the semester crap is killing me. I just have no motivation to do it anymore, and I just want to go home and bake and make ornaments and sit by the tree singing Welcome Christmas (that cute little song the Who's sing in How the Grinch Stole Christmas). Of course, at my house, this song is sung on a regular basis, so it would be probably be okay to sing it out loud too.

But in any case, I am super in love with a new blog! Of course, it's not here on Blogger, but it's a private blog chronicling a woman's journey through experimental baking. She just wrote a book that I bought on sale at Target, so I checked out her blog, and I'm in love. It has now been added to the toolbar of things I check everyday. I can't wait to go home and start experimenting with her recipes!!

I also have been thinking lately how I need to find a good baking outlet of sorts. Not only somewhere to bake and make lots of bakelicious things, but a literal outlet, as in outlet store. Somewhere where I can buy good marzipan, fondant (like Satin Ice or Fondarific), Gourmet writers, etc. Seriously. Not the Wilton crap either, because their products are absolutely dreadful. But no, seriously. Come on CT/NH.. gimme an outlet!!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I've been thinking..

It has been a while since I updated, my apologies. But due to the fact that most likely only one or two people read this blog, I really see no consequence to the longer gap since I last wrote here.

Thanksgiving was nice. I really appreciate having my family present, especially since my roommate lost her grandmother Thanksgiving morning. My thoughts and prayers were with all of them during the holiday and even now.
We had Thanksgiving at our house as per usual, the house inundated with guests of biological, friend, and abstract relation. I thought it turned out to be a nice evening, but honestly, I am not one to particularly enjoy all the aspects of Thanksgiving. I find it difficult to maintain attention to conversation, finding more pleasure in the activities which revolve around eating.

As usual, however,  Thanksgiving brings a sense of internal reflection. While trying to think of the many blessings, my mind becomes clouded with the sheer volume of good things in my life. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, clean water, a beautiful family, friends, an education.. the list could go on and on. One of the greatest things I am grateful for is the desire I have to love the Lord. I miss Him so present in my life, and I how I can feel myself yearning to draw closer to Him once again.
I want to know the Lord, and now that the season of advent has begun, I want to try listening. I will try meditating on the meaning behind each candle.
This week's candle is Hope, one which hits close to home in my heart. I want to know the joy of the Lord as we draw close to Christmas.

Another think that I have been thinking about it my forever dilemma about not being in a relationship. I mean, as trivial as it sounds, I really find myself looking for a serious relationship. Over the past year especially I have been getting a feeling more so that the Lord is taking care of what I want, shaping my future even more so as I continue to look for my future husband.
The funny thing is, I have been praying for him for years. My future husband, that is. I have been praying for him, that he is having a good day, or that things are going well, or to watch over him.
But now it has gotten to the point where not only do I pray for his well being, but I am praying for the Lord to finally send him to me. I am ready for him to be in my life, and I hope he finds me soon.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

i need a tranquilizer

Honestly, I think I need a tranquilizer. I have a dentist appointment in a little over a week, and I have been flipping out about it, as per usual. I have this horrendous doctor phobia, which is ever more so amplified when it comes to dentists. Then today I was looking up the doctor who will eventually take my wisdom teeth out, and I literally could not breathe. I think when I do have them out, I'm going to have them put me out. Most definitely. 

I am not even looking forward to Thanksgiving because my appointment is the day before it, so I just want school to go by slowly so I don't have to go home for it. There is something seriously wrong with that. I mean, most people are a little anxious about the dentist, but I think I take it to a whole new level. 

Please pray for me. I am having trouble even focusing on my school stuff because I am so worked up about it. 

I know where it comes from, but there is really nothing I can figure out to lessen this anxiety I have been dealing with for years. 

As a child, I never feared doctors. I didn't care what they did. I think it's because I was so accustomed to them. I had bad asthma and allergies, so I went to the doctor all the time. Then in eighth grade, I got diagnosed with scoliosis and had to have a root canal after a complication from having braces. It all came in such a whirlwind, and I still consider that to be one of the darkest times of my life. 

Ever since then, I have been literally terrified of doctors. I cannot overcome the fear that impedes me from seeking help if ever a problem is to arise. You'd think that after so many years of therapy I would have figured out some sort of solution by now. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

thoughts for the day

I have been thinking a lot lately. About all sorts of things, ranging from what might seem insignificant and trivial to that of great importance in my life. 

I really have been on the edge of a lot of things lately, the edge of my patience, stability, emotional and stress capacities, faith. I feel like I'm on a ledge, but I can't let go of the rails that I'm holding onto. Of course, I suppose this is a feeling many people experience, especially when they're in college. Yet, I go to counseling, and have been for quite some time now. These counselors help sift out what's on the surface; the relationship issues I have with my sister and brother-in-law, the disconnect I feel from my extended family on one side. However, they have not been able to help me manage my anxiety and live with it comfortably, they won't help me find my lost faith again, they haven't been able to aid my self esteem and give me a sense of hope. 

Hope. This word is one that has been of great importance in my life, hence why I chose it to be one of the defining words in the title of the new blog. It seems to pop up everywhere, starting in my teens as a member of a youth group at my local church. I went on a retreat my friend was running, her dream retreat that she could have easily been planning for years. At the time, I was in a sort of mucky place with an ex-boyfriend. During an activity, we gave each other cards with 'gifts' on them, praying the receiving person would find this gift through the grace of God. Of course, I happened to be sitting next to my ex, and he gave me a card with 'Hope'. 

From there, when I made my Emmaus weekend, a retreat based on the reading from Luke 24:13-32, I received literal gifts that weekend that with the word 'Hope' on them. People who I was friends, family, and even not so friendly with were praying this word upon me, and I knew then that God wanted me to explore the depth of this word, and everything He meant it to be. 

I still have all these little things. That card, which was a typed paragraph pasted onto a piece of green construction paper, still remains in my prized possessions. I used to keep it on my dresser. God used this card to speak great volumes to me; while it sat for all these years, the sunlight lightened the paper, browning the green edges and dust dirtied the pristine white computer paper. Despite its degradation, the words still remained as dark and powerful as when they were first typed some years ago. The rest of the things too, no matter their condition, still read out clearly; 'Hope'. 

No matter what happens, the Lord has shown me that there is always hope. It never can dissipate or be erased from view. The Lord is this concept of hope, forever present despite when He whispers, or when I am closed to His love. There is always hope, there is always God. 

While I do not consider where I currently am to be the worst place I have ever been in my life, I feel a strong desire to be reconnected. Reconnected in relationships, in faith, in who I used to be. College, while a necessary educational experience both academically and in life, has proved to make me lose pieces of who I am, but I do not think they are gone forever. With the Lord's help, since I have great hope in Him, I will reconnect. 

So therefore, I am making a New Year's resolution. I will open myself again to the Lord, allowing Him to lead me in His ways and rely on Him through struggles and in joy. My new life, one with and within the Lord, starts now. 

the first of many

hello new blog!
this is the official first entry from Love, Hope, & Emmaus. Yayy!
As such, I feel it necessary to preface with the following; I am coming to this blog fresh after a seven year writer on LiveJournal, where my writing was often dictated by my readers, making it slowly begin to lack the depth i wished to explore. Therefore, this journal will be completely my own. I will write what I chose to write about, and will bring a mix of joy and laughter with a hint of sadness and a smidgen of reality.
The title of this blog is Love, Hope, & Emmaus, which will be explained later on, but I will show you just what it states. Hopefully, this will be something one wishes to read, and I hope that you come along for the ride as I embark on this new literary adventure.