Well it definitely has been a while since I updated. Last night I was thinking of updating and then I realized what was happening all these days when I didn't blog. I think I was subconciously avoiding my blog. Strange as it sounds, but it seems to be the only safe place where I can be completely honest about how I'm actually feeling and what's going on in my head. And since I haven't been enjoying what's going on in my head, and been trying to supress how I'm really feeling lately, blogging would bring those feelings up. But I know I have to face them eventually, so here it goes.
I miss him still. I know you as my readers are probably sick of hearing about this whole thing, but even though it's now been almost a month since I've even seen him, it's still all very real for me. I talked to him recently, however. Anything that had been left in the air, the questions I had.. they are no more. We talked about it all. And when I say talked, I mean Facebook chat. Beautiful, right?
I just had to get some answers, especially before he took off to Europe for more than two weeks. Since that time could be used if necessary. I was waiting for him. I think I secretly thought that he would turn around, get his shit together, and come back to me.
He's not coming back to me. It's very hard to admit I know that. He's not coming back to me. He's not coming back to me. He's not coming back to me.
He says, we have to start moving on. Ha. We are not going to be doing anything. There is no we, remember? You ended the we. I was ready to give everything, to risk everything, to give us a chance. But you weren't. Which is fine. But know this.
No matter what anyone says, what anyone tells you. I was in love with you. And it wasn't about anything else except you, as a person, wholly and completely. I wanted you. Not gonna lie, I still kinda want you. It hurts like nothing I've ever felt, but I still want you.
I'm doing better overall though. It doesn't make me feel like I'm going to vomit when I think of being with someone else besides him. I'm using the time he's in Europe to stop clicking on his profile so much. To stop listening to his CD. To stop watching the videos. To stop rereading conversations. To stop looking through pictures. To get out of my dark room and bed and go enjoy the world.. well, try to at least. To flirt...
Ow. Okay that last one was harder. I feel like I won't be able to get over him until I meet someone new. I'm in the market for my new boy. So, if you know of anyone for me, my few readers, let me know. Don't tell them about Tim. They just have to be wonderful. Completely wonderful.. because they have big shoes to fill.