Friday, May 20, 2011

i need to vent. ready? go.

Okay, so I already kinda vented on the other day, but i need to vent again. Ha. And guess who gets to listen? You, my few blog followers!

Again, this post will most likely be mostly about Tim. Very sorry, but really, it's all I think about. So, here it goes.

So you know how when someone changes their profile picture on facebook, it shows up in your news feed? Well, the other day, I noticed that among the many people who changed their profile pictures that day, Tim was one of them. So, as any person does, since facebook is a place to foster creeper tendencies, I went to his profile to check it out. I clicked on his profile picture so I could see it bigger, and noticed something disturbing after doing such. When in his profile pictures album, I noticed that the picture he had of the two of us for a while during the time in which we were dating (which he had changed with multiple other pictures since) had been deleted. Not just, oh, I'll change my profile picture. It was completely deleted. Naturally, I became very upset. How much do I really mean to him if he's trying to eliminate evidence of us? Is he moving on?

Now, of course, then comes the most important question: Am I reading too far into this? I don't think so. While I most definitely overreacted with a passive aggressive facebook status that ensued a mini-text fight with Tim (we've made up), I question what caused him to need to delete that picture after all this time has passed. We're coming up on a month that we've been broken up. And I can surely tell you, it has felt like the longest month of my life. The most difficult, painful, and excruciating month of my life. Maybe with the exception of when my Nana died and I started college, this has probably been one of the worst months ever. I hate to say it, really, because I feel like I'm falling into that trap of something I have always tried to avoid.

I always told myself I would never be that girl. The one who completely devoted herself to someone so that if it ever ended, she fell apart and didn't know how to exist. I am that girl. I truly don't know what to do with myself. I haven't felt happy since I was with him. Yes, I've had some fun times, but as soon as I start having fun, something reminds me of him, and I feel like jumping off a bridge. No, wait. That's a lie.

I don't feel like jumping off a bridge. I feel like getting into my car. Getting into my car and driving two hours and thirteen minutes to New Jersey and walking up to his front door and kissing him.

I'm starting to fall into questioning myself. I didn't do that in the beginning, because I knew it was completely his issue, which I guess I still know, but what did I do wrong? Plenty, I'm sure. I'm beginning to doubt myself.. my worth... how much I really meant to him. I guess that's the hardest part. Knowing how much I meant..... him. Does he still care beyond "Oh, well she's my ex-girlfriend and I feel obligated to make sure she's okay?"

It's so hard to have a relationship.. friendship, that is.. online. Or through technology in general. I can't tell what his facebook im's really are trying to convey.. or what emotions are behind his text messages. It sucks.

You know, when I got home from school on May 7th, it was really like living through the whole break-up all over again. I suppose being at school and still hanging out with him was hard too, obviously, but this is worse. Not seeing him, is worse. I think seeing him kind of put on a sort of mirage for my brain.. my heart. Telling both that he was still there.. that things weren't that different. But see, here's the thing. They are different. So different.

I still miss him. It's funny, yesterday I got together with an old friend and we discussed our history. We hadn't really talked beyond drunk dialing in over a year. It was because we had a falling out. See, here's what happened. I never really talked about it online because it was another one of those things that was really hurtful and awful. But, I mean, this happened before I had this blog, back in my livejournal days, so I suppose this story could be out in cyberspace somewhere. Well, here's the Reader's Digest version.

Basically, we had been friends forever. Me and my friend Cisco. We figured out yesterday that we've known each other for almost seven years. We began having feelings for each other, and we both knew it. Somewhere along the way, we both got too chicken shit to do anything about it. Except, November 2009, that all changed. I told him how I felt. He had known all along, but it was better to get it out in the open. Both our emotions went crazy, we made out in my car (my first kiss), and then I went back to Keene. Over the course of that month, while we were texting flirtatiously back and forth, he had other things going on. By January, he had a girlfriend. Who wasn't me. So I stopped talking to him. He led me on and hurt me terribly. I was never in love with him, but he was so close to me that I didn't understand how he could hurt me so. And there's lots of other stuff that I'm not going to talk about on my public blog, but it was complicated. In short, it was awkward. And yesterday, we hashed everything out. And now we're good. And it's awesome.

It's funny because I used to miss Cisco. Eventually, I stopped missing him in the romantic sense. But see, we never went out. I never was in love with him. Were there a lot of complicated emotions that went along with that whole thing? Absolutely. But it was nothing like this.

I used to basically write what I want to say to Tim (but can't) in a sort of letter form. It felt so good to get all of it off my chest, but it made me realize something. And talking to Cisco about it helped me realize the following as well.

I have no idea where to start in moving on from Tim. Obviously, at least I think, he may be starting to move on. I would wait for him if there was something to be waiting for, but I can't wait for him forever. I'm not going to put my life on hold and wait for him to get his shit together if he's not going to. I feel like whenever I talk to him, I'm being annoying. Or that having a conversation is like pulling teeth. Maybe it's the guise of the internet, and knack it has for confusion since one cannot really tell what a person's emotions are based off that.


Why does this all have to be so friggin' complicated? Honestly, I feel like God has betrayed me a bit. I remember the day we broke up I was crying hysterically as I was driving home, and at one point I started screaming at God. I asked "Why did you send him to me if you were going to take him away?"

I know at least a couple reasons why Tim was sent into my life. He showed me how I deserve to be treated, for one thing. My self confidence went through the roof compared to what it was before him. He brought me back to music. So many things.

What scared me was that there was nothing about him that I wanted to change. For me, he was perfect. And then, like that, he was gone, and not mine anymore.

I think he may have even said something to his mom about how it makes him uncomfortable that she contacts me on facebook still.. commenting on statuses, etc. She doesn't do it anymore. Seriously, Tim. What did I do wrong?

Maybe they were all right. All those people who told me that there was more going on. Which I know is completely true. You have a lot going on. Internally, externally. But I was there for you. Constantly. Unconditionally. And you couldn't see it. You couldn't let down that wall. You always spend so much time caring for others that you can't even let someone care for you.

And as I sit in my room every day and wish you were here.. as I listen to your CD and your beautiful voice.. as I look for myself in the wake you left behind.. I think of how Saturday will be the only anniversary we will celebrate. The one month mark of being broken up. Awesome.