Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I didn't buy a toaster.

Well, I didn't buy a toaster. I will soon, but I just didn't get to it this weekend. I needed to buy some other things, and I need to let my wallet cool down I think before I buy anything else. My goal is to spend money on nothing except gas this week. Hope that goes well.

Had my first counseling appointment today. We didn't really get into much, since they're still doing all their initial paperwork. I walked into Emily's office and she asked me if one of the grad student interns that are new the the center for the year could sit in on my session. Absolutely! I can't even tell you how many times I've had interns shadow or sit in on my sessions. It's kinda familiar to me. Whatever, I guess it went well. I have a feeling Emily isn't going to put up with my shit like Pam did.. I have a feeling that I'm actually going to delve into things this semester.

My boy was here this weekend! I can't even tell you how good it was to see him. I literally saw him turn the corner onto the street and ran out to the car. It was amazing to have so much time with him. He is so incredible. Like, I can be romantic with him, I can be silly, I can be serious. The other day I found out some upsetting information and he listened to me vent. I guess I'm just not used to being treated well. I used to think the other boy I was with treated me well, but I have realized that I was blinded completely by how into him I was. There were so many lies, so much dishonesty there.
But now I have Steven. And he is so completely incredible that every day I ask why I am so lucky. How the hell did I get this boy? And on a side note, tomorrow is our one month anniversary. This will be my first anniversary since I was fifteen. Not gonna lie, kinda excited. :)

It's funny. Something I've realized from this whole thing is how completely disconnected from my faith I am. I don't think I really thought about it until I went to ask someone why I was so lucky to have Steve.. and then I realized that my first thought wasn't to ask God. I was just putting the question generally out into the universe. I guess I just had some things come up when I was home and wasn't going to church, and then I stopped talking to God. I don't think my faith has been quite right since my Nana died in 2008. I was so angry with God, and I don't know if I ever quite recovered all the way from it. Don't get me wrong, I am not angry with God. But I guess I just am not relying on Him as much as I should be. I do miss Him. I know I need Him in my life. Why can't I just open myself to Him?

Semester is going well so far. I just submitted my intent to graduate today. That was freakin' scary. I am getting so old! And I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life when I graduate in May. I have a general idea, but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to make it happen. I've never been the type to push to get things done. I'm more likely to quit then keep going. I don't know why, and I hate that about myself. I think I might be so afraid of failure sometimes that I don't even try. But this is my life. I have to try.

I'm changing so much. Emily in counseling today was basically highlighting that what I've been pointing to is that I'm distressed with how much I'm changing. My mind is caught in a bit of a whirlwind, trying to hold on and accept the new me. And I do accept her. I think there's still just a lot of the old me leftover, and she's struggling with some of the changes in this new me. I'm learning to step out of my comfort zone, step out and not let other people stop me from doing what I want to do. I am finally being my own person, living for me, and though it's awesome, it's scary as hell.

So I guess, pray for me. Just, pray for me. I am so incredibly happy, but I think there are a few conflicts going on in my brain and I could use some prayers.

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