Thursday, June 16, 2011

it's been a while.

It's been about 10 days since I last updated, and compared to where I was a month ago, I am doing considerably better.

The play just ended, and I could not be prouder of my kids. They did a phenomenal job this year.. probably my favorite show and cast to date out of all the 9 years I've been working on the shows.

I am starting to bake as a source of income.. kinda as a side jaunt off the hobby department.. for friends and family.. that sorta thing. I just got my first call today.. I'll keep you posted as to what happens with it!

As for income in general, I went on an interview today for a consistent babysitting job.. the type I've been trying to line up for years. It would be for a 15 month old little boy, who by the way, is the most precious thing ever. And I would get to play with him, take him places, etc. It would be awesome.. I find out Friday if I got the job! Before I left the dad said he was leaning towards me over the other applicants, so I have a pretty good feeling about it :)

As for the relationship crap I've been dealing with for quite some time now, I am doing exponentially better. Tim being in Europe for 17 days was probably the best thing that could have happened. Having him be completely absent from the internet, which was where all our communication occurs, gave me time to heal and do some serious self reflection. The more I think about and talk it out with others, meaning one person, I'm learning that what everyone was saying was true. He was not the one for me.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every second of our time together, and I learned so much from him. And truth be told, given the chance, I would probably jump to be back with him. But, I have to move on. I don't think I will ever stop loving him. There will probably always be a piece of me that does; but I know for both our sakes, we need to move on to new adventures.

I think about him less and less. It used to be all the time, from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep. Sometimes even in sleep I would dream of him. I am happy to say Tim Price has not been in one of my dreams in over a week! Yes! (Not that I don't enjoy his company, but really. It doesn't help having him around in my psyche..)

Something strange happened to me recently, as long as we're on this type of topic. So, since I wasn't on Blogger for the extent of my 'goings-on' with Cisco, you, my readers, are likely to not know the back story here beyond what I posted before. And honestly, it's really none of your business. However, you should know that I did not talk to the boy because of our falling out for over a year. It was really quite a thing we had going on. Now, he's been coming to the rehearsals for my kids. He was there to help them out a little since he had been in Grease before.. you know, character development type inspirational stuff. Whatever.

So, he was around. And somewhere along the way, he promised the kids he would since "Mooning" for them, since that was the song he had to sing when he played Roger back in the day. And who, may you ask would be his duet partner, Jan? Me. Of course. Because none of us saw that one coming.

So on our last rehearsal day, we sang for the kids. It was strange. Up until then, I had convinced myself that we had both changed so much.. "I wasn't attracted to this kid anymore! Thank God!"

WRONG. We sang together, and it was like everything fell right back into place. It was the us I remembered. I was so drawn to him in that moment. Which stuck with me, obviously. And then I went out, got a little tipsy, and did some texting to him. I really need to stop doing that. But I think it's the only way I have enough courage to say what I really want to say.

A couple days later, he tells me he's having an emotional crisis.. a mental breakdown, if you will. He's having relationship issues.. "I don't want to hurt her."
So I tell him to follow his heart. Do what's right for you, I say.
Something inside me got excited. I don't know why. I was shocked. I was thinking to myself, "Stop it, you can't be with him. He's not the one for you, are you kidding?"

What, brain/heart, whoever is in control right now, are you doing to me? I thought we were done with the Cisco thing. Is this rebounding from Tim? Cisco, really? He is NOT the boy I'm supposed to be with. He doesn't want kids and barely believes in marriage. Seriously, not the one. And I know that, I do.
But why am I still sad they are together?

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