Friday, December 3, 2010

Folks Dressed Up Like...

Tonight my roommates will be engaging in their normal Friday night activities. As per usual, by my own choice of course, I will most likely be sitting in my room watching whatever movie is on ABC Family and wishing I went to a different college.

There comes a time often in my life when I'm not sure what I'm doing here. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends here, they're fantastic. But sometimes, they'll say things or do things that really I cannot get on board with. I feel like I've truly lost a piece of myself while attending this institution (which will remain nameless for my own safety, obviously). A lot of people had told me that I would love it here, and I do, but I feel lost sometimes. Like I not only don't belong here, but like I'm some outsider that holds such a level of beliefs and standards to my life that it seems frivolous to even bother trying to defend what I believe in, whether outwardly or just within myself.

In this same regard I think I am being tested. This school, is my test. Or at least, I hope it is. Because usually, if you pass a test, one would think you get some sort of reward at the end. And I am hoping that reward is finding my husband. I honestly don't think I will find him here, but you never know. But realistically, I don't think that my husband is here. I don't know if I've met him yet, but maybe I have and just don't know what's going on.

But I do know one thing. I miss this person and I don't even know him. I am lonely, and there's no disputing that. I miss him because he's not here, and I hope he finds me soon so I won't be lonely.

It's kind of like how I need to draw closer to the Lord again in my life. I long for Him as I long for my husband. I know that they're connected and that without the Lord, even I do find someone in this life that is not of the Lord, there is no way that it can work if I cannot allow the Lord to love me.

This is something I definitely struggle with. I have this problem where I have a terrible time trusting people, especially men. I've been hurt a lot by males, and so it only comes naturally I suppose to not trust. I only hope that by learning to trust in the Lord I can learn to trust whatever man He sends me.

The activities are starting.. time to go be social, I suppose.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

it's the most wonderful time of the year

Well, it used to be. I remember a time when Christmas season was literally my favorite thing ever. But I guess the stress of regular life permeated into this Utopian illusion was bound to happen sooner or later. Finals are going to kill me. Well, all of this last minute end of the semester crap is killing me. I just have no motivation to do it anymore, and I just want to go home and bake and make ornaments and sit by the tree singing Welcome Christmas (that cute little song the Who's sing in How the Grinch Stole Christmas). Of course, at my house, this song is sung on a regular basis, so it would be probably be okay to sing it out loud too.

But in any case, I am super in love with a new blog! Of course, it's not here on Blogger, but it's a private blog chronicling a woman's journey through experimental baking. She just wrote a book that I bought on sale at Target, so I checked out her blog, and I'm in love. It has now been added to the toolbar of things I check everyday. I can't wait to go home and start experimenting with her recipes!!

I also have been thinking lately how I need to find a good baking outlet of sorts. Not only somewhere to bake and make lots of bakelicious things, but a literal outlet, as in outlet store. Somewhere where I can buy good marzipan, fondant (like Satin Ice or Fondarific), Gourmet writers, etc. Seriously. Not the Wilton crap either, because their products are absolutely dreadful. But no, seriously. Come on CT/NH.. gimme an outlet!!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I've been thinking..

It has been a while since I updated, my apologies. But due to the fact that most likely only one or two people read this blog, I really see no consequence to the longer gap since I last wrote here.

Thanksgiving was nice. I really appreciate having my family present, especially since my roommate lost her grandmother Thanksgiving morning. My thoughts and prayers were with all of them during the holiday and even now.
We had Thanksgiving at our house as per usual, the house inundated with guests of biological, friend, and abstract relation. I thought it turned out to be a nice evening, but honestly, I am not one to particularly enjoy all the aspects of Thanksgiving. I find it difficult to maintain attention to conversation, finding more pleasure in the activities which revolve around eating.

As usual, however,  Thanksgiving brings a sense of internal reflection. While trying to think of the many blessings, my mind becomes clouded with the sheer volume of good things in my life. I have a roof over my head, food on the table, clean water, a beautiful family, friends, an education.. the list could go on and on. One of the greatest things I am grateful for is the desire I have to love the Lord. I miss Him so present in my life, and I how I can feel myself yearning to draw closer to Him once again.
I want to know the Lord, and now that the season of advent has begun, I want to try listening. I will try meditating on the meaning behind each candle.
This week's candle is Hope, one which hits close to home in my heart. I want to know the joy of the Lord as we draw close to Christmas.

Another think that I have been thinking about it my forever dilemma about not being in a relationship. I mean, as trivial as it sounds, I really find myself looking for a serious relationship. Over the past year especially I have been getting a feeling more so that the Lord is taking care of what I want, shaping my future even more so as I continue to look for my future husband.
The funny thing is, I have been praying for him for years. My future husband, that is. I have been praying for him, that he is having a good day, or that things are going well, or to watch over him.
But now it has gotten to the point where not only do I pray for his well being, but I am praying for the Lord to finally send him to me. I am ready for him to be in my life, and I hope he finds me soon.