I suppose I should update. That's what people typically do when they have a blog, right?
I want to apologize in advance, as this post will most likely not be very uplifting, adding to a newfound theme of depression in my blog. But I am being completely honest with you, my readers, since I cannot be completely honest in real life. When I started this blog, I promised I would not censor myself, and with recent goings on, I feel that there is nothing that should squash that promise.
So, I've officially been home for a week now. It's felt like an eternity. This is the first time in all the years I've been in college that I've actually wanted to go back. It's a very strange feeling, but I really don't want to be home. I want to go back to school. Yet, I can't figure out if it's only because I'm missing people so much. And when I say people, I miss my friends, yes, but we all know who I'm really missing. This week has been really tough. I think it finally set in that Tim graduated. Then again, there's still a little part of me that expects to see him when I move back to Keene in August. It's not going to happen.
A lot of things I want probably aren't going to happen. I want him back. As much as I try to avoid it, or convince myself that I'm a completely functioning person without him, that I am better without him... I'm not. I can honestly say with all sincerity that the happiest I have ever been in my life was when I was with him. It's funny, right before Saturday I went down to his room to pick up a CD from him and we had a discussion. I wanted to talk to him before the craziness of graduation started, before everyone showed up and we wouldn't have any more time alone. I told him how much I was grateful for him; I mean, despite how things ended so soon, he did do wonders for my self confidence and esteem, he showed me how to appreciate music again.. I haven't sang like this in years.. I told him I didn't regret anything. And we talked about how I was worried that we'd lose touch.. he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Are you kidding?"
Here's the problem. I know it's been hard for me. And I know it was hard for him in the beginning especially, but we're very similar in the sense that he doesn't show how he is really feeling most of the time. He would rather get hurt himself than hurt other people, so he's not the type to flaunt his pain. I don't know where he is at in this whole thing. See, I think I'm just... I was about to type confused, but I'm not confused. I know exactly what I want. I want him. I want Timothy Ryan James Price. But I don't know where he is, there's the confusion.
I suppose my confusion is completely based in him. What are his feelings about us lately? Why is he still putting up this wall... I can feel it, his family can feel it.. ugh. This just sucks. Plain and simple. I feel bad that I keep talking about to, well, everyone. But really, it's the only thing going on in my brain. And missing him this much, pretty much all of my energy goes into getting out of my bed in the morning, so I apologize, but I can't stop. When you love someone like I love him, and this is how things are, there's no getting around this shit.
I have a little plan for myself however. I'm going to give myself the majority of the summer to think about it. I have my 21st birthday coming up and my cousin's wedding (where I hear there are going to be lots of hot single men); so another words, there's going to be opportunities to meet new man type people. While right now thinking of being with anyone else hurts the hell out of my heart, I am going to try to be open. And if at the end of the summer I still can't stop thinking about him, and I still want to be with him, than I'm going to talk to him about it. Until then, I'm going to attempt to be pleasant.
I think my dilemma is since I don't know where he is in this whole thing, I don't know how much contact with him is appropriate. I mean, I struggle with, "Shit, Loretta, do not text that boy", but yeah. It sucks. I can't even turn off my phone either, it won't turn off. Piece of crap. But, he's going to Europe with his parents (his graduation present) at the end of the month, so that's at least a couple week stretch where I have no choice but to not contact him. He'll be in Europe on my birthday, which is probably a good thing since I have a tendency to call and text everyone I shouldn't when I'm inebriated.
So I suppose to sum up, I'm a mess. No getting around it, it seems. My name is Loretta, and I can't stop being in love with Timothy Ryan James Price. I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem.