So, I think I'm ready to discuss this.
As of June 21st, Tim and I have been broken up for two months. If you had asked me even a month ago if I would ever feel how I do now, I would have probably said no. Never. But here we are.
And where is that? Well, here goes my best shot of articulating whatever is going on in my brain.
Tonight I went to 6pm mass, as is usual behavior for me on a Sunday. Since I've been home from school, I have found it really refreshing to sit by myself during mass and use the time as a mini retreat.. to collect my thoughts and be with God.
Be with God. I feel so far from Him, yet so close. I feel as though this time period in my life will be one of those that when I'm in heaven looking back, there will be only one set of footprints. (Look up the Footprints poem if you don't get it).
I came back to my seat after communion and knelt. Every week, I let out a huge sigh; I feel as though church is the only place where I will allow myself to feel all the emotions that are coursing through my veins, to let my guard down and deal with what's going on inside. It feels like such a heavy pressure is pressing down, closing in. And honestly, the only place where I can attribute this feeling is Tim.
I thought I would never feel this way.. this......
Well, I suppose the best way to explain it is this. When we first broke up and for quite a while after that, whenever I would remember things, relive memories, think about him... I hurt physically and emotionally from missing him so much. And again, like I've said before, I don't think I will ever stop loving him. Even being in this place right now where I am so frustrated by him, I still love him.
But Fr. Tom said something at mass tonight and last week too that has really had me thinking. It was about how unforgiveness can be so heavy and exhausting to carry, and it's best to surrender it to the Lord.
A long time ago I fell in love with the word 'surrender'. The act of giving yourself completely over to something or someone is so beautiful to me. So surrendering completely to the Lord is beyond compare, and something that I have always struggled with. I just tried to type a sentence about how I trust the Lord.. but I think a lot of the time I don't. Maybe it's just that the things I want most out of life have not happened, and I'm tired of waiting.
But in any case, Fr. Tom was completely right. It is exhausting to carry around this unforgiveness. I think it took me a long time to figure out that that's what it is. I think I have been holding a grudge.. which if you know me you know I never do.. but, I think I'm angry with Tim. Again, I always said I wasn't, but I think deep down, all along, I was angry.
I was angry he didn't want to stay with me. I was angry he didn't give as much to us as I did. I was angry he acted so immaturely after we broke up... well, I suppose I should turn these into 'am's. I AM angry.
I am angry I fell so hard for him.. so hard that it I'm still trying to get back up.
So the thing I wanted to discuss was just that. I don't think I really miss him anymore. I am angry and hurt, so I am cutting him out. I hid him on my newsfeed. I am not going to text him anymore, or chat with him, or anything. I am done. Beyond done. I am done letting him hurt me, over and over and over.
I just really really really want to get back up. And I don't want him to be there when I do. I need to move on.