Tuesday, November 16, 2010

i need a tranquilizer

Honestly, I think I need a tranquilizer. I have a dentist appointment in a little over a week, and I have been flipping out about it, as per usual. I have this horrendous doctor phobia, which is ever more so amplified when it comes to dentists. Then today I was looking up the doctor who will eventually take my wisdom teeth out, and I literally could not breathe. I think when I do have them out, I'm going to have them put me out. Most definitely. 

I am not even looking forward to Thanksgiving because my appointment is the day before it, so I just want school to go by slowly so I don't have to go home for it. There is something seriously wrong with that. I mean, most people are a little anxious about the dentist, but I think I take it to a whole new level. 

Please pray for me. I am having trouble even focusing on my school stuff because I am so worked up about it. 

I know where it comes from, but there is really nothing I can figure out to lessen this anxiety I have been dealing with for years. 

As a child, I never feared doctors. I didn't care what they did. I think it's because I was so accustomed to them. I had bad asthma and allergies, so I went to the doctor all the time. Then in eighth grade, I got diagnosed with scoliosis and had to have a root canal after a complication from having braces. It all came in such a whirlwind, and I still consider that to be one of the darkest times of my life. 

Ever since then, I have been literally terrified of doctors. I cannot overcome the fear that impedes me from seeking help if ever a problem is to arise. You'd think that after so many years of therapy I would have figured out some sort of solution by now. 

Sunday, November 14, 2010

thoughts for the day

I have been thinking a lot lately. About all sorts of things, ranging from what might seem insignificant and trivial to that of great importance in my life. 

I really have been on the edge of a lot of things lately, the edge of my patience, stability, emotional and stress capacities, faith. I feel like I'm on a ledge, but I can't let go of the rails that I'm holding onto. Of course, I suppose this is a feeling many people experience, especially when they're in college. Yet, I go to counseling, and have been for quite some time now. These counselors help sift out what's on the surface; the relationship issues I have with my sister and brother-in-law, the disconnect I feel from my extended family on one side. However, they have not been able to help me manage my anxiety and live with it comfortably, they won't help me find my lost faith again, they haven't been able to aid my self esteem and give me a sense of hope. 

Hope. This word is one that has been of great importance in my life, hence why I chose it to be one of the defining words in the title of the new blog. It seems to pop up everywhere, starting in my teens as a member of a youth group at my local church. I went on a retreat my friend was running, her dream retreat that she could have easily been planning for years. At the time, I was in a sort of mucky place with an ex-boyfriend. During an activity, we gave each other cards with 'gifts' on them, praying the receiving person would find this gift through the grace of God. Of course, I happened to be sitting next to my ex, and he gave me a card with 'Hope'. 

From there, when I made my Emmaus weekend, a retreat based on the reading from Luke 24:13-32, I received literal gifts that weekend that with the word 'Hope' on them. People who I was friends, family, and even not so friendly with were praying this word upon me, and I knew then that God wanted me to explore the depth of this word, and everything He meant it to be. 

I still have all these little things. That card, which was a typed paragraph pasted onto a piece of green construction paper, still remains in my prized possessions. I used to keep it on my dresser. God used this card to speak great volumes to me; while it sat for all these years, the sunlight lightened the paper, browning the green edges and dust dirtied the pristine white computer paper. Despite its degradation, the words still remained as dark and powerful as when they were first typed some years ago. The rest of the things too, no matter their condition, still read out clearly; 'Hope'. 

No matter what happens, the Lord has shown me that there is always hope. It never can dissipate or be erased from view. The Lord is this concept of hope, forever present despite when He whispers, or when I am closed to His love. There is always hope, there is always God. 

While I do not consider where I currently am to be the worst place I have ever been in my life, I feel a strong desire to be reconnected. Reconnected in relationships, in faith, in who I used to be. College, while a necessary educational experience both academically and in life, has proved to make me lose pieces of who I am, but I do not think they are gone forever. With the Lord's help, since I have great hope in Him, I will reconnect. 

So therefore, I am making a New Year's resolution. I will open myself again to the Lord, allowing Him to lead me in His ways and rely on Him through struggles and in joy. My new life, one with and within the Lord, starts now. 

the first of many

hello new blog!
this is the official first entry from Love, Hope, & Emmaus. Yayy!
As such, I feel it necessary to preface with the following; I am coming to this blog fresh after a seven year writer on LiveJournal, where my writing was often dictated by my readers, making it slowly begin to lack the depth i wished to explore. Therefore, this journal will be completely my own. I will write what I chose to write about, and will bring a mix of joy and laughter with a hint of sadness and a smidgen of reality.
The title of this blog is Love, Hope, & Emmaus, which will be explained later on, but I will show you just what it states. Hopefully, this will be something one wishes to read, and I hope that you come along for the ride as I embark on this new literary adventure.