Tonight my roommates will be engaging in their normal Friday night activities. As per usual, by my own choice of course, I will most likely be sitting in my room watching whatever movie is on ABC Family and wishing I went to a different college.
There comes a time often in my life when I'm not sure what I'm doing here. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends here, they're fantastic. But sometimes, they'll say things or do things that really I cannot get on board with. I feel like I've truly lost a piece of myself while attending this institution (which will remain nameless for my own safety, obviously). A lot of people had told me that I would love it here, and I do, but I feel lost sometimes. Like I not only don't belong here, but like I'm some outsider that holds such a level of beliefs and standards to my life that it seems frivolous to even bother trying to defend what I believe in, whether outwardly or just within myself.
In this same regard I think I am being tested. This school, is my test. Or at least, I hope it is. Because usually, if you pass a test, one would think you get some sort of reward at the end. And I am hoping that reward is finding my husband. I honestly don't think I will find him here, but you never know. But realistically, I don't think that my husband is here. I don't know if I've met him yet, but maybe I have and just don't know what's going on.
But I do know one thing. I miss this person and I don't even know him. I am lonely, and there's no disputing that. I miss him because he's not here, and I hope he finds me soon so I won't be lonely.
It's kind of like how I need to draw closer to the Lord again in my life. I long for Him as I long for my husband. I know that they're connected and that without the Lord, even I do find someone in this life that is not of the Lord, there is no way that it can work if I cannot allow the Lord to love me.
This is something I definitely struggle with. I have this problem where I have a terrible time trusting people, especially men. I've been hurt a lot by males, and so it only comes naturally I suppose to not trust. I only hope that by learning to trust in the Lord I can learn to trust whatever man He sends me.
The activities are starting.. time to go be social, I suppose.