I really have been on the edge of a lot of things lately, the edge of my patience, stability, emotional and stress capacities, faith. I feel like I'm on a ledge, but I can't let go of the rails that I'm holding onto. Of course, I suppose this is a feeling many people experience, especially when they're in college. Yet, I go to counseling, and have been for quite some time now. These counselors help sift out what's on the surface; the relationship issues I have with my sister and brother-in-law, the disconnect I feel from my extended family on one side. However, they have not been able to help me manage my anxiety and live with it comfortably, they won't help me find my lost faith again, they haven't been able to aid my self esteem and give me a sense of hope.
Hope. This word is one that has been of great importance in my life, hence why I chose it to be one of the defining words in the title of the new blog. It seems to pop up everywhere, starting in my teens as a member of a youth group at my local church. I went on a retreat my friend was running, her dream retreat that she could have easily been planning for years. At the time, I was in a sort of mucky place with an ex-boyfriend. During an activity, we gave each other cards with 'gifts' on them, praying the receiving person would find this gift through the grace of God. Of course, I happened to be sitting next to my ex, and he gave me a card with 'Hope'.
From there, when I made my Emmaus weekend, a retreat based on the reading from Luke 24:13-32, I received literal gifts that weekend that with the word 'Hope' on them. People who I was friends, family, and even not so friendly with were praying this word upon me, and I knew then that God wanted me to explore the depth of this word, and everything He meant it to be.
I still have all these little things. That card, which was a typed paragraph pasted onto a piece of green construction paper, still remains in my prized possessions. I used to keep it on my dresser. God used this card to speak great volumes to me; while it sat for all these years, the sunlight lightened the paper, browning the green edges and dust dirtied the pristine white computer paper. Despite its degradation, the words still remained as dark and powerful as when they were first typed some years ago. The rest of the things too, no matter their condition, still read out clearly; 'Hope'.
No matter what happens, the Lord has shown me that there is always hope. It never can dissipate or be erased from view. The Lord is this concept of hope, forever present despite when He whispers, or when I am closed to His love. There is always hope, there is always God.
While I do not consider where I currently am to be the worst place I have ever been in my life, I feel a strong desire to be reconnected. Reconnected in relationships, in faith, in who I used to be. College, while a necessary educational experience both academically and in life, has proved to make me lose pieces of who I am, but I do not think they are gone forever. With the Lord's help, since I have great hope in Him, I will reconnect.
So therefore, I am making a New Year's resolution. I will open myself again to the Lord, allowing Him to lead me in His ways and rely on Him through struggles and in joy. My new life, one with and within the Lord, starts now.