Saturday, December 11, 2010

this post might be strange...

Please read the title of this post, because I feel it is very important to preface what I plan on talking about in this post.

I am very shaken up this morning. In my dreams last night I had a multitude of experiences that I feel I must write down so that I not only will not forget but so also I can make sense of them the best I can.

There were two very powerful dreams which I had last night, but due to the fact that this blog is not private, in my own discretion I am choosing to only recall one.
This dream, which is almost like a story, was very realistic. Now, I don't dream normal dreams. My dreams never have a realistic plotline, and telling people about pumas in my backyard or midgets trying to kidnap my dad or being chased through a sneaker factory usually ends up in laughter. But this dream, I hope, will not provoke the same reaction. I myself was practically in tears upon waking up this morning.

Also, this is fresh, since I have only been awake for maybe ten minutes, but I have to write about it. I have to.

Ok, so here it goes. The basic premise of the dream was that I was pregnant, which if any of my readers know me know that this is something close to my heart that I would love to experience someday. But I was pregnant now, actually, about three weeks ago. It was right before Thanksgiving break, of this semester, and I was getting in my car to drive home. It was no different from the reality I experienced, except I was pregnant. I got in my car, and shortly after, my water broke. I continued driving, and during the three-ish hour drive from school to home, labor progressed steadily and I found myself at the hospital.

Here, unfortunately is where my memory of the dream jumps. The next thing I remember is being in my parent's room at home, looking down at my beautiful son in the bassinet on their bed. Now, I've had dreams about having babies before. This is nothing new. But the thing is, I have never gotten to see them. I always am either pregnant, and then wake up. Deliver a baby, and wake up before they hold them up for me to see. Never once have I seen their face. But I will tell you this, that little boy, though a figment of my imagination, was one of the most beautiful little babies I have ever seen. He was sleeping, his little nose pink with warmth and his little tongue coming out every once in a while to say hello. When he opened his eyes, they were a rich brown. He had blonde hair and was dressed in all white. I picked him up, and he felt so warm and comfy on my shoulder.

This, again, is strange. I have never held one of these dream babies. Never touched them, never felt what their little bodies felt like. But this little boy was perfect. Over the Thanksgiving break when I was home, every day I spent cradling my little boy, holding him and rocking him. And then, we put him in his little carseat and went for a ride. We passed houses and houses, eventually coming to one house where we stopped. We got out, bringing my boy inside with us. A couple, probably late 30s, greeted us, and showed us a room where they were all talking about "this is his new room".. I could see what was happening. I was giving them my beautiful baby boy.

The thing I have wanted forever, and I could still feel this real longing in my dream, was being given away. Eventually, I handed over my baby painfully, got back in the car, and pressed my face against the window as we drove away and I sat there, baby-less.

Thanksgiving break ended, and I moved into the dorm once again. I went to my Literary Analysis class, where my teacher was asking us for our papers that we had due.
I told her that I didn't have my paper.
She was upset, asking why, and beginning to reprimand me for not doing my work.

Then I burst out that I gave birth over break, my water broke on the way home and I labored in the car, and I gave birth to a son, but I had to give him away. I gave him up.

I began to cry, and she suggested the class pray for me. As I sat sobbing surrounded by my classmates, this is when I awoke. Now mind you, my teacher is not of any religion that I know of, and only a couple people in my class believe in God.

I have so many questions. This was such a strange dream. But here's the thing that I find most puzzling. I have taken this time in advent to try to grow closer to God, and last night, while reading the Bible, I asked the Lord to draw me closer to Him, and as I read Hebrews 13, I felt touched. But, I still had questions. Questions of what my life would be like, questions when I would meet my husband, or get married or have babies. Hebrews 13 does talk about marriage and sex, but nothing about babies. Why this dream?

Lord, I am so confused.

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