I'm screwed... o well.

So, I think I'm ready to discuss this.

As of June 21st, Tim and I have been broken up for two months. If you had asked me even a month ago if I would ever feel how I do now, I would have probably said no. Never. But here we are.

And where is that? Well, here goes my best shot of articulating whatever is going on in my brain.
Tonight I went to 6pm mass, as is usual behavior for me on a Sunday. Since I've been home from school, I have found it really refreshing to sit by myself during mass and use the time as a mini retreat.. to collect my thoughts and be with God.

Be with God. I feel so far from Him, yet so close. I feel as though this time period in my life will be one of those that when I'm in heaven looking back, there will be only one set of footprints. (Look up the Footprints poem if you don't get it).

I came back to my seat after communion and knelt. Every week, I let out a huge sigh; I feel as though church is the only place where I will allow myself to feel all the emotions that are coursing through my veins, to let my guard down and deal with what's going on inside. It feels like such a heavy pressure is pressing down, closing in. And honestly, the only place where I can attribute this feeling is Tim.

I thought I would never feel this way.. this......
Well, I suppose the best way to explain it is this. When we first broke up and for quite a while after that, whenever I would remember things, relive memories, think about him... I hurt physically and emotionally from missing him so much. And again, like I've said before, I don't think I will ever stop loving him. Even being in this place right now where I am so frustrated by him, I still love him.

But Fr. Tom said something at mass tonight and last week too that has really had me thinking. It was about how unforgiveness can be so heavy and exhausting to carry, and it's best to surrender it to the Lord.

A long time ago I fell in love with the word 'surrender'. The act of giving yourself completely over to something or someone is so beautiful to me. So surrendering completely to the Lord is beyond compare, and something that I have always struggled with. I just tried to type a sentence about how I trust the Lord.. but I think a lot of the time I don't. Maybe it's just that the things I want most out of life have not happened, and I'm tired of waiting.

But in any case, Fr. Tom was completely right. It is exhausting to carry around this unforgiveness. I think it took me a long time to figure out that that's what it is. I think I have been holding a grudge.. which if you know me you know I never do.. but, I think I'm angry with Tim. Again, I always said I wasn't, but I think deep down, all along, I was angry.

I was angry he didn't want to stay with me. I was angry he didn't give as much to us as I did. I was angry he acted so immaturely after we broke up... well, I suppose I should turn these into 'am's. I AM angry.
I am angry I fell so hard for him.. so hard that it I'm still trying to get back up.

So the thing I wanted to discuss was just that. I don't think I really miss him anymore. I am angry and hurt, so I am cutting him out. I hid him on my newsfeed. I am not going to text him anymore, or chat with him, or anything. I am done. Beyond done. I am done letting him hurt me, over and over and over.

I just really really really want to get back up. And I don't want him to be there when I do. I need to move on.

Weekend...

So I had a very interesting weekend. I think this is probably the most confusing year I have ever had... and it's only half over.

So on Saturday, we had the Emmaus reunion from the last PIE at the Miele's house. Seemingly normal. It was nice to see everyone.. very similar to Meatball Madness except without the meatballs. I got to hold a newborn baby.. less than a month old. So cute!

Then the plan was to go out for drinks; a kind of belated birthday celebration for me. So we were supposed to go to a place called Marisa's.. a bar with dancing and a DJ. We got there, and there was a private party high school reunion, so we had to relocate. We ended up at a restaurant/bar.. there was a band playing, a pool table. And it was an older crowd. Now this was kind of a let down since Marisa's would have been a mixed crowd, but this place was the older mix.

So the night started, I started drinking. Fine whatever. Hit on by the Emmaus guys who were there.. the old married ones. Ha.
Whatever. We were having a good time, fine. But then, drunk Loretta thinks it's a good idea to make out with friend Dave. I had kinda had a crush on him, but didn't act on it since he had kinda been hooking up with a friend. So I was making out with him all night.. and this friend was there. And saw, obviously.

So long story short, she got hurt. And it was my fault. Course, here is what I'm wondering. He was sober. I was the only drunk one in this equation.. what was he thinking?

And the funny thing is the following: I was not thinking about him the majority of the time I was making out with him. I would say 70% of the time, I was thinking about Tim. See, my plan was that once I moved on to new guys, it would help me get over Tim. I wouldn't have to think about him anymore, miss him anymore. But, NOOOOO. That would be too damn convenient. Why can't I get him out of my head? I want to, I promise. But he won't leave my brain...... my heart.

So here in lies my problem. There was a big thing the next day, which is all fine now, except I told Dave that something like that could never happen again because so many people were upset about it.. and how I didn't want it to affect our friendship. He responded with the following (plus some other stuff, but this is the important part that is relevant to this post): "If you want to be friends, I can do that, but I'd really like to ask you on a date".

Um, what? I don't know what to do. I told my friend that I wasn't interested in him, so even if I did have feelings for him, I couldn't act on it anyways. I don't see it working out, but I don't know what to say to him. I feel like a jerk since I made out with him all night and then to be like, well, I don't like you.

Who is this person I am becoming? See, all I want is a relationship. I want someone who puts in as much passion as I do, someone who will be there for me as much as I am for them. I want someone to love, and who loves me completely. The problem is, I don't know how to go about getting this in the right way. What do guys really want? This man that I'm searching for; what is he looking for? I suppose I should just be myself, but I'm not sure I know who that is anymore.

Update

So I realized the other day that I never posted about my weight loss challenge that I made a few months back. If you remember, in this blog I set a goal of losing 35 lbs on February 18th. The end date of my goal was my 21st birthday, being June 4th of that same year.

I am happy to say that I have lost 37 lbs! So I made my goal! Which is something not only that I thought would never happen, but has never happened before! I want to lose about 10 more lbs, and tone up significantly. I don't see that happening really while I'm home, but once I get back to school I will definitely be spending some time at the gym since I'll actually have time now :)

Also, I got the job babysitting the 15 month old! Yay! I'm a little nervous, but hopefully it'll work out! :)

Sharing my baking

I completely forgot that I wanted to upload my latest baking endeavors for your viewing pleasure. It was completely tasty and wonderful, and look fun! Here you go!

These are "bridal party" vanilla cupcakes with whipped vanilla frosting and chocolate leaves. 

Aren't they fun? :)

This is a closeup of the leaf so you can see the detail and so you can see how fluffy that frosting was! Look how the leaf sinks into it. Love! :)

it's been a while.

It's been about 10 days since I last updated, and compared to where I was a month ago, I am doing considerably better.

The play just ended, and I could not be prouder of my kids. They did a phenomenal job this year.. probably my favorite show and cast to date out of all the 9 years I've been working on the shows.

I am starting to bake as a source of income.. kinda as a side jaunt off the hobby department.. for friends and family.. that sorta thing. I just got my first call today.. I'll keep you posted as to what happens with it!

As for income in general, I went on an interview today for a consistent babysitting job.. the type I've been trying to line up for years. It would be for a 15 month old little boy, who by the way, is the most precious thing ever. And I would get to play with him, take him places, etc. It would be awesome.. I find out Friday if I got the job! Before I left the dad said he was leaning towards me over the other applicants, so I have a pretty good feeling about it :)

As for the relationship crap I've been dealing with for quite some time now, I am doing exponentially better. Tim being in Europe for 17 days was probably the best thing that could have happened. Having him be completely absent from the internet, which was where all our communication occurs, gave me time to heal and do some serious self reflection. The more I think about and talk it out with others, meaning one person, I'm learning that what everyone was saying was true. He was not the one for me.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every second of our time together, and I learned so much from him. And truth be told, given the chance, I would probably jump to be back with him. But, I have to move on. I don't think I will ever stop loving him. There will probably always be a piece of me that does; but I know for both our sakes, we need to move on to new adventures.

I think about him less and less. It used to be all the time, from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep. Sometimes even in sleep I would dream of him. I am happy to say Tim Price has not been in one of my dreams in over a week! Yes! (Not that I don't enjoy his company, but really. It doesn't help having him around in my psyche..)

Something strange happened to me recently, as long as we're on this type of topic. So, since I wasn't on Blogger for the extent of my 'goings-on' with Cisco, you, my readers, are likely to not know the back story here beyond what I posted before. And honestly, it's really none of your business. However, you should know that I did not talk to the boy because of our falling out for over a year. It was really quite a thing we had going on. Now, he's been coming to the rehearsals for my kids. He was there to help them out a little since he had been in Grease before.. you know, character development type inspirational stuff. Whatever.

So, he was around. And somewhere along the way, he promised the kids he would since "Mooning" for them, since that was the song he had to sing when he played Roger back in the day. And who, may you ask would be his duet partner, Jan? Me. Of course. Because none of us saw that one coming.

So on our last rehearsal day, we sang for the kids. It was strange. Up until then, I had convinced myself that we had both changed so much.. "I wasn't attracted to this kid anymore! Thank God!"

WRONG. We sang together, and it was like everything fell right back into place. It was the us I remembered. I was so drawn to him in that moment. Which stuck with me, obviously. And then I went out, got a little tipsy, and did some texting to him. I really need to stop doing that. But I think it's the only way I have enough courage to say what I really want to say.

A couple days later, he tells me he's having an emotional crisis.. a mental breakdown, if you will. He's having relationship issues.. "I don't want to hurt her."
So I tell him to follow his heart. Do what's right for you, I say.
Something inside me got excited. I don't know why. I was shocked. I was thinking to myself, "Stop it, you can't be with him. He's not the one for you, are you kidding?"
Gracious.

What, brain/heart, whoever is in control right now, are you doing to me? I thought we were done with the Cisco thing. Is this rebounding from Tim? Cisco, really? He is NOT the boy I'm supposed to be with. He doesn't want kids and barely believes in marriage. Seriously, not the one. And I know that, I do.
But why am I still sad they are together?

Recap

So yesterday was my 21st birthday. Finally legal, what?? :)

I have to say, it was an awesome birthday. Started out the day pretty much how I do any other day lately; shower, hang around, eat something. Then around 5pm is when things started happening! My two friends Kristina and Alyssa came over, we had dinner, and then headed over to the elementary school where I've been helping with the play, Grease. I started running around, as per usual, making sure everything was in order. Stuffing programs, miking up the kids, etc. The play got underway; my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, and my two friends came to see the show.. I gotta say the kids did amazing last night. My only complaints are completely based off other people being dumb. Adult wise, that is. A couple of the songs were off tempo, which you could tell was screwing the kids up. But really, they were amazing.

So after the show I got changed (into party clothes, of course) and headed over to the bar. We had such a good night. So many people I knew were there besides all the people I was with, so that was really fun. I had four and a half vodka/cranberries and a shot of tequila/jager. Man oh man was Loretta drunk. They had karaoke, too, which was awesome. I sang twice!

But here's the part that I think I enjoyed the most. Not only did I feel hot and amazing, but I think other people thought I looked good too! There was this one kid I went to high school with who hasn't seen me since I was a junior, and he was telling me that he didn't recognize me because I looked so amazing. He must've said "Really, good job!" to me (in reference to how well I've aged, apparently) about three times.
Then I got some random kid's phone number. He literally walked up to me, said Happy Birthday, gave me his number, and was like "Hi, I'm Steve, gimme a call sometime". HAHA. That never happens to me! I was so confused! I'm used to being the ugly one in the group.. but I was the one with guys coming up to me all night!
I danced with some other random kid for a bit.. no idea who that was. Talked to another friend from high school who is so friggin' hot I can't even stand it.
The bad parts of the night? Probably two drunk dials made to the same person.. which were later perpetuated by a private facebook message I sent. So embarassing. But they say drunk words are sober thoughts, right? Completely true.

So overall, awesome night. Seriously, it was fantastic. I got wasted, but I didn't get sick, and I felt great about myself for the first time in a while. Yay! 21st birthday: success.

It certainly has been a while..

Well it definitely has been a while since I updated. Last night I was thinking of updating and then I realized what was happening all these days when I didn't blog. I think I was subconciously avoiding my blog. Strange as it sounds, but it seems to be the only safe place where I can be completely honest about how I'm actually feeling and what's going on in my head. And since I haven't been enjoying what's going on in my head, and been trying to supress how I'm really feeling lately, blogging would bring those feelings up. But I know I have to face them eventually, so here it goes.

I miss him still. I know you as my readers are probably sick of hearing about this whole thing, but even though it's now been almost a month since I've even seen him, it's still all very real for me. I talked to him recently, however. Anything that had been left in the air, the questions I had.. they are no more. We talked about it all. And when I say talked, I mean Facebook chat. Beautiful, right?

I just had to get some answers, especially before he took off to Europe for more than two weeks. Since that time could be used if necessary. I was waiting for him. I think I secretly thought that he would turn around, get his shit together, and come back to me.

He's not coming back to me. It's very hard to admit I know that. He's not coming back to me. He's not coming back to me. He's not coming back to me.

He says, we have to start moving on. Ha. We are not going to be doing anything. There is no we, remember? You ended the we. I was ready to give everything, to risk everything, to give us a chance. But you weren't. Which is fine. But know this.

No matter what anyone says, what anyone tells you. I was in love with you. And it wasn't about anything else except you, as a person, wholly and completely. I wanted you. Not gonna lie, I still kinda want you. It hurts like nothing I've ever felt, but I still want you.

I'm doing better overall though. It doesn't make me feel like I'm going to vomit when I think of being with someone else besides him. I'm using the time he's in Europe to stop clicking on his profile so much. To stop listening to his CD. To stop watching the videos. To stop rereading conversations. To stop looking through pictures. To get out of my dark room and bed and go enjoy the world.. well, try to at least. To flirt...

Ow. Okay that last one was harder. I feel like I won't be able to get over him until I meet someone new. I'm in the market for my new boy. So, if you know of anyone for me, my few readers, let me know. Don't tell them about Tim. They just have to be wonderful. Completely wonderful.. because they have big shoes to fill.