I suppose I should update...

I suppose I should update. That's what people typically do when they have a blog, right?

I want to apologize in advance, as this post will most likely not be very uplifting, adding to a newfound theme of depression in my blog. But I am being completely honest with you, my readers, since I cannot be completely honest in real life. When I started this blog, I promised I would not censor myself, and with recent goings on, I feel that there is nothing that should squash that promise.

So, I've officially been home for a week now. It's felt like an eternity. This is the first time in all the years I've been in college that I've actually wanted to go back. It's a very strange feeling, but I really don't want to be home. I want to go back to school. Yet, I can't figure out if it's only because I'm missing people so much. And when I say people, I miss my friends, yes, but we all know who I'm really missing. This week has been really tough. I think it finally set in that Tim graduated. Then again, there's still a little part of me that expects to see him when I move back to Keene in August. It's not going to happen.

A lot of things I want probably aren't going to happen. I want him back. As much as I try to avoid it, or convince myself that I'm a completely functioning person without him, that I am better without him... I'm not. I can honestly say with all sincerity that the happiest I have ever been in my life was when I was with him. It's funny, right before Saturday I went down to his room to pick up a CD from him and we had a discussion. I wanted to talk to him before the craziness of graduation started, before everyone showed up and we wouldn't have any more time alone. I told him how much I was grateful for him; I mean, despite how things ended so soon, he did do wonders for my self confidence and esteem, he showed me how to appreciate music again.. I haven't sang like this in years.. I told him I didn't regret anything. And we talked about how I was worried that we'd lose touch.. he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Are you kidding?"

Here's the problem. I know it's been hard for me. And I know it was hard for him in the beginning especially, but we're very similar in the sense that he doesn't show how he is really feeling most of the time. He would rather get hurt himself than hurt other people, so he's not the type to flaunt his pain. I don't know where he is at in this whole thing. See, I think I'm just... I was about to type confused, but I'm not confused. I know exactly what I want. I want him. I want Timothy Ryan James Price. But I don't know where he is, there's the confusion.

I suppose my confusion is completely based in him. What are his feelings about us lately? Why is he still putting up this wall... I can feel it, his family can feel it.. ugh. This just sucks. Plain and simple. I feel bad that I keep talking about to, well, everyone. But really, it's the only thing going on in my brain. And missing him this much, pretty much all of my energy goes into getting out of my bed in the morning, so I apologize, but I can't stop. When you love someone like I love him, and this is how things are, there's no getting around this shit.

I have a little plan for myself however. I'm going to give myself the majority of the summer to think about it. I have my 21st birthday coming up and my cousin's wedding (where I hear there are going to be lots of hot single men); so another words, there's going to be opportunities to meet new man type people. While right now thinking of being with anyone else hurts the hell out of my heart, I am going to try to be open. And if at the end of the summer I still can't stop thinking about him, and I still want to be with him, than I'm going to talk to him about it. Until then, I'm going to attempt to be pleasant.

I think my dilemma is since I don't know where he is in this whole thing, I don't know how much contact with him is appropriate. I mean, I struggle with, "Shit, Loretta, do not text that boy", but yeah. It sucks. I can't even turn off my phone either, it won't turn off. Piece of crap. But, he's going to Europe with his parents (his graduation present) at the end of the month, so that's at least a couple week stretch where I have no choice but to not contact him. He'll be in Europe on my birthday, which is probably a good thing since I have a tendency to call and text everyone I shouldn't when I'm inebriated.

So I suppose to sum up, I'm a mess. No getting around it, it seems. My name is Loretta, and I can't stop being in love with Timothy Ryan James Price. I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem.

Goodness.

Well, today is the last day of my junior year of college.
This is absolutely surreal. I was going through this year not really thinking about what was next, but now that the seniors are about to gradu------ I don't like saying it. It freaks me out. My friends are all leaving! My boy is leaving. I mean, technically, he is not my boy anyways. But I still feel like he's my boy in a sense.. Our relationship has drastically changed over these past two weeks, but he's still my boy. And tomorrow, he is leaving. And my best friend is walking, too. She's graduating a semester early, so she's walking with the class of 2011 instead of 2012.
So, tomorrow, and all my friends walk across that stage, I can't even imagine or prepare myself in any sense for what emotions will flood my heart. I am scared for what this will mean, honestly, for my relationships with these people.
I've never dealt well with change and this is probably one of the biggest changes to come into my life in quite some time. Granted, being with Tim was a change, but this type of thing is more like... I don't know. I just don't know.
On the other hand, I have had another recent large change in my life. I filed paperwork today to drop my Elementary Education major. I am now primarily an English major. This came about after several conversations, some serious thinking, some grades, and knowing that I never wanted to teach. I never have. I went into Education as a back up degree, in a sense. It was more to help my resume than anything, but I've gotten to the point in the program where you really have to be passionate about it in order to complete the coursework and class requirements. I just don't have the passion for it like other people do.
So, my plan, as it always has been, is to direct children's theater. That was the goal all along, and being in this program I suppose helped me to refocus on that goal, so that I didn't get sucked up into a career that I didn't want.
I guess now the only thing to talk about is how these past couple of weeks have been going. First off, my health has been kind of all over the place lately. I've lost 7.5 lbs in the past 30 days. I haven't really been able to eat and I've been losing weight like crazy. On top of it, my roommates are convinced I am developing anorexic tendencies. Who knows what is going on. I think it's a combination of an undiagnosed allergy and emotional distress.
Emotional distress... I miss him. I miss him terribly. My boy.. I still love him. I've been trying so hard not to, but it's not working. How do you fall out of love with someone? But the thing is, I don't want to love him, but I don't want to fall out of love with him. I want him to love me.

Pain. Just... pain.

So i haven't posted in a really long time.
Mostly it was due to how freakin' happy I was. Notice the past tense used there. For the past month I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I was driving back to Keene last weekend from our Emmaus retreat and I was so overcome with joy I couldn't breathe. I had never had that happen before.
And to tell you the truth, it was because of my boy. This boy who I got to know, who I fell in love with. I tried not to, I did. But I fell in love with him.
And then yesterday, he shattered my world. He ended it because he was afraid of what was to come.. he's graduating in two weeks and couldn't imagine doing a long distance relationship so before either of us got more feelings for each other, he ended it. So we wouldn't get more hurt in the end.
But see here's the thing, baby. I am in love with you. And you just took my heart, ripped it out of my chest, and smashed it on the floor. And now, I feel broken and I don't know where to go from here.
I couldn't handle it. See, I was supposed to stay in Keene and spend Easter with him and his family, but that just wasn't going to happen. It happened, and I literally ran upstairs, threw some shit in a bag, practically ran to Winchester lot to get my car, and ran around to get my stuff in the car and got the fuck outta there.
I couldn't be in Keene for one more second. I don't know what's going to happen come Sunday when I have to go back... I don't know how that's going to go. I was screaming at cars that were going slow and preventing me from getting out of Keene. And remember, I have two weeks left. Two weeks left of seeing him and of desperately wanting him. Course, the wanting him probably won't end there.
See here's the thing.
He's scared. I'm scared of what would've happened too. Long distance relationships are scary. But I was willing to step into the fear and try. He's so scared of getting hurt that he's not. That's why he ended it. And now, who knows how he's feeling, but I'm a fucking mess. I've never burst out crying in the middle of driving before like I did yesterday. A good portion of my ride home was very unsafe in that regard, actually.
Really. I tried not to fall in love with him. I knew we had little time, and I knew that it wasn't a good idea. But that didn't change anything..

I love you. I just never told you. And now it's over. I hope you're happy.

God Speaks to Me

The Lord really speaks to me through Facebook, I swear! Another one of those God Wants You to Know daily things.. and it's so right on with what's going on in my life right now.

"There is nothing you need to do to deserve happiness. There are no 'minimal requirements' for you to fulfill before you can claim happiness. You deserve happiness simply by virtue of having been born. That's it. Nothing more is required. Be happy. "


i've been having roommate issues since i started going out with the boy. 
Yes, that's right folks. We're official! Today is one week :)
but anyways. I've been really struggling and feeling guilty for being so happy, which has had an impact on my relationship with my roomie. more to come on this, but now i don't have time. just wanted to post this so i wouldn't forget. :P

A Sad Post

This morning I have received word of the passing of a friend of my family's. Vera Rozarie has been a part of my life since I was a child, always the loving and kind woman I knew from St. James, my parish. As I have gotten older, she has become special to me as I am a future educator, and this was also the profession she chose. She's my "buddy", and she will be greatly missed. Please pray for Vera and her family, as they are struggling with their loss.

ROZARIE Vera J. Rozarie of Stratford, went home to the Lord on Tuesday, March 29, 2011. She was the third child born to James L. and Helena E. Londea Kazee. One of six children, she was educated in Bridgeport, Fairfield, and New Haven. She graduated from Harding High School, SHU (B.S.), and SCSU (M.S., 6th Year Professional Diploma). Vera was prede-ceased by her husband, Edward C. Rozarie. Together they parented four children, Gwen Ann, Edwina, Dirk (married to Judith) and Carla. Vera was grandmother to Lisa, Andrew, Gina and Emily Eaton, Meghan, Jeremiah and Casey Rozarie; sister to William of New York, NY, Anna of Pompano Beach, Fla.; "Auntbear" to many nieces and nephews; sister-in-law to Edith and Otis Otts of the Westville section of New Haven. Her wide network of friends and extended family included Mary and MaryLou Semedo; her church family at St. James; Cursillo of Fairfield County; her Sisters in Christ, Celeste, Connie, Nancy, Rhina and Rita; two very special friends, Ernest and Thom; her educational family, the Stratford Community Family (through CARE), Baldwin Center and Marathon Bridge Group Family, as well as her friends and neighbors at Tide Harbor where she was a member of the Board of Directors. She was also a member of the Red Rose Hatters (Co-Queen) and Les Treize. She was the only lay member of the Stratford Clergy Association. Vera had many associates in life but chose her friends carefully. To name them would mean leaving important people out. Each of you knows the role you played in her life. God, family, friends, church, community and life (which included a good poker game or game of Spanish 21) filled her days. Vera was a nurturer and teacher all of her adult life. As Vera believed strongly in the power of education and service to community, please make a donation to the scholarship program of your choice in her honor. There are several excellent scholarships associated with organizations she was involved in (as listed above).Calling hours are 4 to 8 p.m. on Friday, April 1st in the Pistey Funeral Home, 2155 Main Street, Stratford. A Mass of Christian burial will be celebrated at St. James Church on Saturday, April 2nd at 10:30 a.m. Burial services at the convenience of the family. "God bless and keep you until we meet again."

Baking post!

Hello again!
So this is a bit delayed as these were both made last week, but I wanted to show off my creations anyways!

Ain't she pretty? A little uneven on top, but overall I was pleased with it. Definitely not the design I sketched out before decorating, but it still looked pretty nice. This is a white cake with chocolate frosting and in between layers are Chips Ahoy cookies, which softened and were really good. The designs are done in royal icing. Overall, this cake took about 4 hours. Not to shabby for start to finish!

A look at the designs up close. I used neon food coloring to get the green to be so bright and just regular yellow for the trim. 

This was a really really REALLY fun cake to do. I made it for a friend's weekly meatball dinner, also known as Meatball Madness!

Sorry for the bad picture on this one, but I wanted you to see the top. 

Then later on in the week I made sugar cookies for a concert to further experiment with royal icing. These were my first cookies with royal, so they didn't come out very "professional" looking, but everyone seemed to like them... they went like hotcakes!

Bread in the container worked like a charm. It made them softer even! These cookies are from scratch, and so is the royal icing, but that's not difficult to make! The cookies however, were a bit of a pain. 

I tried to use a lot of color since spring is coming up! I definitely have the wheels turning for my next batch... :)

I used an old Biscotti container for transport, which is also what I photographed them in. 

I loved the colors, and I had to keep an eye on my mom... she wanted to eat them all!

Overall, I loved both of the outcomes here. What shall I do next time? I have a couple things in mind.. just wait and see :)

Insert Title Here

So, I really didn't know what to title this post, because it really is about one thing in kind of mind-wandering-rant-type-think-aloud.

Okay so, this boy. I am falling for him fast. And it's absolutely ridiculous. He's not even my boyfriend, but all I can do is think about him and how much I want to be with him, hold him, kiss him. It's obscene. I haven't felt like this.. since well, ever. I mean, each 'relationship' or whatever have all been different. My first and only boyfriend I had when I was in high school made some mistakes that made me not trust him; the next one kinda led me on, which again, lack of trust for him.
The moral of the story is that Loretta has some serious trust issues. It gets so bad that I can't make eye contact with the person. And like I said before, this is not a problem with this boy. I like everything about him; except the fact that he's graduating soon, and perhaps moving very far away. But I have gotten to the point where I am so into him that I don't even care and I just want to be with him regardless of whatever might happen in the future.
And even after all this time has gone by since our first date, I still trust him. I have never even felt this comfortable  with a guy ever, and I don't even know what to do with myself because I want him so badly.
I want him to be mine.. my boy.