Friday, April 22, 2011

Pain. Just... pain.

So i haven't posted in a really long time.
Mostly it was due to how freakin' happy I was. Notice the past tense used there. For the past month I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I was driving back to Keene last weekend from our Emmaus retreat and I was so overcome with joy I couldn't breathe. I had never had that happen before.
And to tell you the truth, it was because of my boy. This boy who I got to know, who I fell in love with. I tried not to, I did. But I fell in love with him.
And then yesterday, he shattered my world. He ended it because he was afraid of what was to come.. he's graduating in two weeks and couldn't imagine doing a long distance relationship so before either of us got more feelings for each other, he ended it. So we wouldn't get more hurt in the end.
But see here's the thing, baby. I am in love with you. And you just took my heart, ripped it out of my chest, and smashed it on the floor. And now, I feel broken and I don't know where to go from here.
I couldn't handle it. See, I was supposed to stay in Keene and spend Easter with him and his family, but that just wasn't going to happen. It happened, and I literally ran upstairs, threw some shit in a bag, practically ran to Winchester lot to get my car, and ran around to get my stuff in the car and got the fuck outta there.
I couldn't be in Keene for one more second. I don't know what's going to happen come Sunday when I have to go back... I don't know how that's going to go. I was screaming at cars that were going slow and preventing me from getting out of Keene. And remember, I have two weeks left. Two weeks left of seeing him and of desperately wanting him. Course, the wanting him probably won't end there.
See here's the thing.
He's scared. I'm scared of what would've happened too. Long distance relationships are scary. But I was willing to step into the fear and try. He's so scared of getting hurt that he's not. That's why he ended it. And now, who knows how he's feeling, but I'm a fucking mess. I've never burst out crying in the middle of driving before like I did yesterday. A good portion of my ride home was very unsafe in that regard, actually.
Really. I tried not to fall in love with him. I knew we had little time, and I knew that it wasn't a good idea. But that didn't change anything..

I love you. I just never told you. And now it's over. I hope you're happy.

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