Friday, May 6, 2011


Well, today is the last day of my junior year of college.
This is absolutely surreal. I was going through this year not really thinking about what was next, but now that the seniors are about to gradu------ I don't like saying it. It freaks me out. My friends are all leaving! My boy is leaving. I mean, technically, he is not my boy anyways. But I still feel like he's my boy in a sense.. Our relationship has drastically changed over these past two weeks, but he's still my boy. And tomorrow, he is leaving. And my best friend is walking, too. She's graduating a semester early, so she's walking with the class of 2011 instead of 2012.
So, tomorrow, and all my friends walk across that stage, I can't even imagine or prepare myself in any sense for what emotions will flood my heart. I am scared for what this will mean, honestly, for my relationships with these people.
I've never dealt well with change and this is probably one of the biggest changes to come into my life in quite some time. Granted, being with Tim was a change, but this type of thing is more like... I don't know. I just don't know.
On the other hand, I have had another recent large change in my life. I filed paperwork today to drop my Elementary Education major. I am now primarily an English major. This came about after several conversations, some serious thinking, some grades, and knowing that I never wanted to teach. I never have. I went into Education as a back up degree, in a sense. It was more to help my resume than anything, but I've gotten to the point in the program where you really have to be passionate about it in order to complete the coursework and class requirements. I just don't have the passion for it like other people do.
So, my plan, as it always has been, is to direct children's theater. That was the goal all along, and being in this program I suppose helped me to refocus on that goal, so that I didn't get sucked up into a career that I didn't want.
I guess now the only thing to talk about is how these past couple of weeks have been going. First off, my health has been kind of all over the place lately. I've lost 7.5 lbs in the past 30 days. I haven't really been able to eat and I've been losing weight like crazy. On top of it, my roommates are convinced I am developing anorexic tendencies. Who knows what is going on. I think it's a combination of an undiagnosed allergy and emotional distress.
Emotional distress... I miss him. I miss him terribly. My boy.. I still love him. I've been trying so hard not to, but it's not working. How do you fall out of love with someone? But the thing is, I don't want to love him, but I don't want to fall out of love with him. I want him to love me.

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