Thursday, January 20, 2011

my latest kick

So my latest kick. I don't know how long it will last, but hopefully it will be good.

I want to lose weight. I want to lose weight. I want to lose weight.

I can say it until I'm blue in the face but it does not change the fat that I am overweight and fighting the urge to eat almost constantly. I want to be skinny and feel beautiful. No one ever tells me I'm beautiful, and I don't feel beautiful, so I can only assume the obvious. My self esteem is really going downhill as I get older. I mean it used to be bad, but I think lately it's really all I think about. Do I look okay? Is my belly hanging over my pants? Do my arms look too fat? Is my hair okay? I have too much fat in my face. My legs are too fat. This shirt looks awful on me. My boobs are too small. My butt is too small. I wish I was pretty.

Everyday I am constantly putting myself down, and not only does it hurt me, but it hurts God. I know it must be painful for Him to watch and listen to me, something He created and believes to be perfect, to forever be hating herself. But what can I do? Honestly, I don't think well of myself. I know I am a relatively good person, doing good for others when I can and being kind as much as I know how. I love other people like I should most of the time. I mean, no one is perfect, but I try my best to live in love. The one thing I haven't figured out how to love is myself.

I cannot even fathom how many posts I have written like this. More so on Livejournal when I used that forum, but when no one seems to want me, my mind turns to believe what the media and the rest of the world tells me.

Last night I was watching the American Idol season premiere with my roommate. We were discussing how some of the people trying out really couldn't sing but got through to the judges anyways because they were pretty. Then I told her flat out that I could never go on that show. Not because I wouldn't want to, or didn't have a decent talent capable of being on such a show, but because I was fat and ugly. I said that about myself. Who does that?

After that we watched I used to be fat. The girl the episode featured was 263 pounds. By the end of the episode, she weighed in at 197 pounds. That's over 60 pounds she lost. Now, if I lost 60 pounds I would be unhealthy. But, if I lost 40 pounds, I would probably look great, and feel a lot better about myself.

I think that's where the problem lies. I have no confidence, and therefore I am unattractive not only because of my physical features but because of my lack of confidence in myself.

And the other problem is, I like to eat.


  1. The most important thing to remember is not to feel defeated, you need to continue exercising even if you are not able to accomplish as much as you hoped right away. You will eventually get there; you’ll start to feel healthier, and have a sense of pride in your commitment to your health.

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  2. I wish you'd believe me when I say that you are beautiful just the way you are :( I think there is a song that goes like that. but anyway, I'm all for healthiness and everything but I still think that the only thing you really need to change is the way you see yourself. it makes me so sad to hear you calling yourself ugly, because anyone who knows you knows that you're the furthest thing from ugly in so many ways.
    this is catherine by the way.