Fairytale Summer

I haven't even been going out with Steve for a week. It's been 4 days now. 4 days, and I can already tell that this is going to be better than any time I spent with Tim. People have been asking me all week, "Is he better than Tim? Is it too early to ask this?"

One would think it is too early to ask. But this boy. He is already giving more to our relationship than Tim ever gave to us. Steve cares about me, he cares about my well-being. And what I love is that I am comfortable to be my complete self around him, something that I was never to do around Tim. With Tim, I felt as though I had to hide parts of myself in order to gain his affection and approval. I don't have to hide with Steve. I can be me, and I can't even tell you how happy that makes me. 

You know, there is a video. I took a bunch of videos the day of Tim's senior recital, and the one of him singing This Is the Moment always got me.. it was the moment I realized I was in love with him. And ever since we broke up, no matter how much time had passed, it was difficult to watch. And I eventually stopped trying, assuming I never would be able to. It made me hurt, no matter how much of a dick he was being. It made me miss him, and those feelings of love would come flowing back. 

Today, just for kicks, I tried watching it. It didn't hurt. In fact, I wanted to reach through the screen and punch him in the face. At this point, I can honestly say, I am so over it.And this will be the final post about it. It is over. He is not worth my time, my interest, my emotions. At one time, I was in love with him, yes. There's no way to change that it happened. But it is so over, I can't even illustrate how over it is. I'm done. 

But now, I can also honestly that I am finally happy again. I have been able to find joy in life. Things are falling into place like I never expected them to. I always start off summers saying that I would love it to be a fairytale summer.. have fun, be in the sun, relax, meet a boy, etc. Just be happy, so happy that sometimes you laugh for no reason, you look around and smile at nothing. Your heart skips a beat when you breathe in. You jump in your seat jamming out in your car. You roll in ecstasy at the thought of how lucky you are to be alive, to be living the life you are in. 

And finally, for the first time in my life, I had a fairytale summer. 

4:52am

4:52 am. August 7, 2011.

This is my new anniversary. The boy is now my boy.

He is absolutely wonderful. He's gorgeous, funny, respectful, fun.. I like everything about him. He makes me smile, and I'm so comfortable about him. It's hard to believe that we literally only met a week ago. I've never had something move this fast! But, no gonna lie, I am completely and totally okay with it. And he is too.

How did I ever get this lucky? :)

It's certainly been a while!

Well, my few blog monsters (by Gaga's usage of that word, one must assume the new meaning for it means fans), I cannot believe it's been nearly a month since my last update! That will just not do. I sincerely apologize for my absence.

Well, what a month it has been! One of the main things that I've been doing is taking care of my little man. He has literally become most of what I do. I spend over forty hours a week taking care of him at times. And over the course of this ridiculous summer, I have fallen in love with this sixteen month old little boy. And now his new aupere is here.. and next week is my last week. And I can't imagine not seeing him. This might be harder than I thought..

On another note, I went to visit one of my sisters last weekend in the Boston area. I usually get stressed out visiting people, but I had so much fun! We went to a club called Bootie Boston, and danced the night away.. it was awesome. And then the next night we had a party! Great times..

And did I mention the incredibly amazing boy I met while I was there? Yeah. Um, he's adorable and super nice and is coming to visit me this weekend. Just talking about him takes my breath away. Oh my :)

Wedding Post

So my cousin got married. She's the first of my cousins to get married, actually. And honestly, it could not all have gone better if I'd tried to make it.

Honestly, I was a little nervous about this weekend. I don't see my dad's side of the family often, and when I do, I usually end up angry at all of them by the time I leave wherever we're at. A long time ago, I realized that we were the outsiders. See, my dad has two siblings. An older sister and a younger brother. For years growing up, his sister and brother were kind of a family unit without us. It just got worse as I got older.

I always wanted their love and attention. As a child, I didn't really see it. I didn't see the neglect that I would later feel. I cannot tell you how much of the time in therapy I have had over the years has been spent talking about them. There is so much anger there.

And for a while, I had decided that I would just hate them secretly and not care. I had convinced myself that I didn't care. But I do care. It took me a while to realize it, but no matter how much time goes by, or how much I try to convince myself that I don't care, I do. The little girl who longed for their love and attention is still alive and well, stuck inside crying out for them.

Despite this, I always get nervous about seeing them. Because usually after seeing them, I am beyond angry. Any feelings of forgiveness that I have worked out usually dissipate after seeing them.

This weekend, however, was different. Maybe it was the ambiance of the event.. I don't know. All I know is that for the first time in a long time, I felt love for these people when I was with them. Not all of them, mind you. My uncle and his family are still quite a sore spot, but my aunt and her family... it was so wonderful.

The wedding was great, absolutely beautiful and I hope mine someday is similar to it. Then the day after we had the post-wedding/holiday picnic. Also really nice! Before I left the picnic that night my aunt told me not to be a stranger. She said that she would love to see me more...
I don't know if that's ever happened.

I really feel completely blessed. I am in shock, really, of both how well it went and my emotions surrounding it. But overall, I feel completely blessed. I remember in the middle of dancing at the reception with my family and looking around at my extended family everywhere I thanked God for this joy.

Honestly, I never thought I would get that feeling with them. When I'm with either my mom's side of the family or Emmaus people (who really are a whole other family to me) I get this feeling of love.. joy.. completeness. And never in my life did I ever feel that with anyone from my dad's side.
But this weekend, I did. And I cannot thank the Lord enough for the joy that has brought me. I hope I can continue to make progress of my forgiveness.. I think I need to go back to therapy.

See, I stopped going to therapy when I started dating Tim. My counselor said she had never seen me so happy.. and that she would keep my slot open for me but that she thought I was in a good place to stop coming in. At the time, I agreed. But when I look back on it, that was the stupidest thing I think we could have done. She should have explored with me why being with Tim made me so incredibly happy all of the sudden.. while the answer seems obvious, I'm sure there is more there that is worth investigating.

So in short, I think in the fall I will go back to the counseling center. If they won't set me up with a regular counselor, I'm going to be asked to be referred out. I had hesitated from this in the past mainly because transportation to somewhere off campus would have been a pain in the ass, but now that I have a parking spot next to my dorm it shouldn't be a problem.

I really just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. Comfortable not just when I'm alone, but with other people. Confident in who I am as a person.. not feeling as though I have to hide varying aspects of myself in order to gain approval. How I have not found even where to start in all the time I've been going to therapy? I'll never know.

I will give my past counselors major props in one regard though. They have helped me sift through a lot of shit and understand a lot of my feelings regarding certain situations that I would have otherwise might not ever discovered.. like my issues with my sister and brother-in-law.. issues with theatre, anxiety, my family, etc.

In any case, I got off on a tangent. So in other words, this weekend was a blessing. And it has really made me realize that I should get back into therapy. I think that knowing that progress with my dad's side is possible will be instrumental in the healing process and finally create a basis for forgiveness and reconciliation.

Left to right: Brian (cousin), Tracy (aunt), Uncle Barry, Aunt Kate, Steve (uncle), Kelly (bride and cousin), Adam (groom), Sarah (cousin), Dad, Mom, Me, Bridget (sister), Kevin (brother-in-law), Monica (sister)

Overdue baking post

Okay, so my cousin got married yesterday and it was wonderful.. but the weekend is not over yet! So I will be posting about that soon.

However, last week I had a couple of baking adventures which I feel the need to blog about now.

Here we go!

Here she is! The first cake I made last week was a three level 21st birthday cake for my friend Cait. This was  most definitely the biggest and most difficult cake I've ever made. The bottom layer was yellow cake, the middle was funfetti, and the top was red velvet. (Honestly, after having the red velvet I think the whole thing should have been so). We tinted vanilla frosting green and then added royal icing flowers. I also made those dark and white chocolate butterflies, complete with edible pearls, which were also then added around the entire cake and on the frosting. 

This cake was really a learning experience for me. A lot of things went wrong with it and I learned a lot about cake stability, temperatures, etc. Everyone loved it, however, and Cait was thrilled. So, I suppose mission accomplished!

The next cake was for my friend Kayla's graduation party. I made a two layer white cake with strawberry filling and white frosting. I did all the detailing that you see (i.e., the balloons on the side, the dots, the edging) with royal icing. Then the lettering and the graduation hat were done with decorator's icing, and the frog was drawn out in white chocolate. 

Out of all the cakes I've made, I think I am proudest of this one. I just love how it came out, and how professional it looks. I am now officially a fan of decorator's icing, as well! Didn't really expect it to have such a fabulous consistency, but it did :)

So there it is folks. Wedding post to come soon, but hope you enjoyed hearing about my cakes! :)

O WAIT! Forgot one. 

These were so delicious it would be a crime if I didn't share. These are chocolate cupcakes with whipped chocolate frosting topped with chocolate sprinkles and chocolate chip cookies. CHOCOLATE is the key word for these cupcakes. AND the best part? The middle of each cupcake is a chocolate chip cookie. I haven't made something so tasty in quite some time. 

These were so good I can't even express to you the level of salivary satisfaction I had upon eating them. I made these for Monday Meatball Madness.. and who knew how much I would love this recipe?

My next adventure? I think trying out some of Bakerella's recipes on her website. I really want to try making Pillow Cookies..... :)

I'm screwed... o well.

So, I think I'm ready to discuss this.

As of June 21st, Tim and I have been broken up for two months. If you had asked me even a month ago if I would ever feel how I do now, I would have probably said no. Never. But here we are.

And where is that? Well, here goes my best shot of articulating whatever is going on in my brain.
Tonight I went to 6pm mass, as is usual behavior for me on a Sunday. Since I've been home from school, I have found it really refreshing to sit by myself during mass and use the time as a mini retreat.. to collect my thoughts and be with God.

Be with God. I feel so far from Him, yet so close. I feel as though this time period in my life will be one of those that when I'm in heaven looking back, there will be only one set of footprints. (Look up the Footprints poem if you don't get it).

I came back to my seat after communion and knelt. Every week, I let out a huge sigh; I feel as though church is the only place where I will allow myself to feel all the emotions that are coursing through my veins, to let my guard down and deal with what's going on inside. It feels like such a heavy pressure is pressing down, closing in. And honestly, the only place where I can attribute this feeling is Tim.

I thought I would never feel this way.. this......
Well, I suppose the best way to explain it is this. When we first broke up and for quite a while after that, whenever I would remember things, relive memories, think about him... I hurt physically and emotionally from missing him so much. And again, like I've said before, I don't think I will ever stop loving him. Even being in this place right now where I am so frustrated by him, I still love him.

But Fr. Tom said something at mass tonight and last week too that has really had me thinking. It was about how unforgiveness can be so heavy and exhausting to carry, and it's best to surrender it to the Lord.

A long time ago I fell in love with the word 'surrender'. The act of giving yourself completely over to something or someone is so beautiful to me. So surrendering completely to the Lord is beyond compare, and something that I have always struggled with. I just tried to type a sentence about how I trust the Lord.. but I think a lot of the time I don't. Maybe it's just that the things I want most out of life have not happened, and I'm tired of waiting.

But in any case, Fr. Tom was completely right. It is exhausting to carry around this unforgiveness. I think it took me a long time to figure out that that's what it is. I think I have been holding a grudge.. which if you know me you know I never do.. but, I think I'm angry with Tim. Again, I always said I wasn't, but I think deep down, all along, I was angry.

I was angry he didn't want to stay with me. I was angry he didn't give as much to us as I did. I was angry he acted so immaturely after we broke up... well, I suppose I should turn these into 'am's. I AM angry.
I am angry I fell so hard for him.. so hard that it I'm still trying to get back up.

So the thing I wanted to discuss was just that. I don't think I really miss him anymore. I am angry and hurt, so I am cutting him out. I hid him on my newsfeed. I am not going to text him anymore, or chat with him, or anything. I am done. Beyond done. I am done letting him hurt me, over and over and over.

I just really really really want to get back up. And I don't want him to be there when I do. I need to move on.

Weekend...

So I had a very interesting weekend. I think this is probably the most confusing year I have ever had... and it's only half over.

So on Saturday, we had the Emmaus reunion from the last PIE at the Miele's house. Seemingly normal. It was nice to see everyone.. very similar to Meatball Madness except without the meatballs. I got to hold a newborn baby.. less than a month old. So cute!

Then the plan was to go out for drinks; a kind of belated birthday celebration for me. So we were supposed to go to a place called Marisa's.. a bar with dancing and a DJ. We got there, and there was a private party high school reunion, so we had to relocate. We ended up at a restaurant/bar.. there was a band playing, a pool table. And it was an older crowd. Now this was kind of a let down since Marisa's would have been a mixed crowd, but this place was the older mix.

So the night started, I started drinking. Fine whatever. Hit on by the Emmaus guys who were there.. the old married ones. Ha.
Whatever. We were having a good time, fine. But then, drunk Loretta thinks it's a good idea to make out with friend Dave. I had kinda had a crush on him, but didn't act on it since he had kinda been hooking up with a friend. So I was making out with him all night.. and this friend was there. And saw, obviously.

So long story short, she got hurt. And it was my fault. Course, here is what I'm wondering. He was sober. I was the only drunk one in this equation.. what was he thinking?

And the funny thing is the following: I was not thinking about him the majority of the time I was making out with him. I would say 70% of the time, I was thinking about Tim. See, my plan was that once I moved on to new guys, it would help me get over Tim. I wouldn't have to think about him anymore, miss him anymore. But, NOOOOO. That would be too damn convenient. Why can't I get him out of my head? I want to, I promise. But he won't leave my brain...... my heart.

So here in lies my problem. There was a big thing the next day, which is all fine now, except I told Dave that something like that could never happen again because so many people were upset about it.. and how I didn't want it to affect our friendship. He responded with the following (plus some other stuff, but this is the important part that is relevant to this post): "If you want to be friends, I can do that, but I'd really like to ask you on a date".

Um, what? I don't know what to do. I told my friend that I wasn't interested in him, so even if I did have feelings for him, I couldn't act on it anyways. I don't see it working out, but I don't know what to say to him. I feel like a jerk since I made out with him all night and then to be like, well, I don't like you.

Who is this person I am becoming? See, all I want is a relationship. I want someone who puts in as much passion as I do, someone who will be there for me as much as I am for them. I want someone to love, and who loves me completely. The problem is, I don't know how to go about getting this in the right way. What do guys really want? This man that I'm searching for; what is he looking for? I suppose I should just be myself, but I'm not sure I know who that is anymore.