Weekend...

So I had a very interesting weekend. I think this is probably the most confusing year I have ever had... and it's only half over.

So on Saturday, we had the Emmaus reunion from the last PIE at the Miele's house. Seemingly normal. It was nice to see everyone.. very similar to Meatball Madness except without the meatballs. I got to hold a newborn baby.. less than a month old. So cute!

Then the plan was to go out for drinks; a kind of belated birthday celebration for me. So we were supposed to go to a place called Marisa's.. a bar with dancing and a DJ. We got there, and there was a private party high school reunion, so we had to relocate. We ended up at a restaurant/bar.. there was a band playing, a pool table. And it was an older crowd. Now this was kind of a let down since Marisa's would have been a mixed crowd, but this place was the older mix.

So the night started, I started drinking. Fine whatever. Hit on by the Emmaus guys who were there.. the old married ones. Ha.
Whatever. We were having a good time, fine. But then, drunk Loretta thinks it's a good idea to make out with friend Dave. I had kinda had a crush on him, but didn't act on it since he had kinda been hooking up with a friend. So I was making out with him all night.. and this friend was there. And saw, obviously.

So long story short, she got hurt. And it was my fault. Course, here is what I'm wondering. He was sober. I was the only drunk one in this equation.. what was he thinking?

And the funny thing is the following: I was not thinking about him the majority of the time I was making out with him. I would say 70% of the time, I was thinking about Tim. See, my plan was that once I moved on to new guys, it would help me get over Tim. I wouldn't have to think about him anymore, miss him anymore. But, NOOOOO. That would be too damn convenient. Why can't I get him out of my head? I want to, I promise. But he won't leave my brain...... my heart.

So here in lies my problem. There was a big thing the next day, which is all fine now, except I told Dave that something like that could never happen again because so many people were upset about it.. and how I didn't want it to affect our friendship. He responded with the following (plus some other stuff, but this is the important part that is relevant to this post): "If you want to be friends, I can do that, but I'd really like to ask you on a date".

Um, what? I don't know what to do. I told my friend that I wasn't interested in him, so even if I did have feelings for him, I couldn't act on it anyways. I don't see it working out, but I don't know what to say to him. I feel like a jerk since I made out with him all night and then to be like, well, I don't like you.

Who is this person I am becoming? See, all I want is a relationship. I want someone who puts in as much passion as I do, someone who will be there for me as much as I am for them. I want someone to love, and who loves me completely. The problem is, I don't know how to go about getting this in the right way. What do guys really want? This man that I'm searching for; what is he looking for? I suppose I should just be myself, but I'm not sure I know who that is anymore.