Well it definitely has been a while since I updated. Last night I was thinking of updating and then I realized what was happening all these days when I didn't blog. I think I was subconciously avoiding my blog. Strange as it sounds, but it seems to be the only safe place where I can be completely honest about how I'm actually feeling and what's going on in my head. And since I haven't been enjoying what's going on in my head, and been trying to supress how I'm really feeling lately, blogging would bring those feelings up. But I know I have to face them eventually, so here it goes.
I miss him still. I know you as my readers are probably sick of hearing about this whole thing, but even though it's now been almost a month since I've even seen him, it's still all very real for me. I talked to him recently, however. Anything that had been left in the air, the questions I had.. they are no more. We talked about it all. And when I say talked, I mean Facebook chat. Beautiful, right?
I just had to get some answers, especially before he took off to Europe for more than two weeks. Since that time could be used if necessary. I was waiting for him. I think I secretly thought that he would turn around, get his shit together, and come back to me.
He's not coming back to me. It's very hard to admit I know that. He's not coming back to me. He's not coming back to me. He's not coming back to me.
He says, we have to start moving on. Ha. We are not going to be doing anything. There is no we, remember? You ended the we. I was ready to give everything, to risk everything, to give us a chance. But you weren't. Which is fine. But know this.
No matter what anyone says, what anyone tells you. I was in love with you. And it wasn't about anything else except you, as a person, wholly and completely. I wanted you. Not gonna lie, I still kinda want you. It hurts like nothing I've ever felt, but I still want you.
I'm doing better overall though. It doesn't make me feel like I'm going to vomit when I think of being with someone else besides him. I'm using the time he's in Europe to stop clicking on his profile so much. To stop listening to his CD. To stop watching the videos. To stop rereading conversations. To stop looking through pictures. To get out of my dark room and bed and go enjoy the world.. well, try to at least. To flirt...
Ow. Okay that last one was harder. I feel like I won't be able to get over him until I meet someone new. I'm in the market for my new boy. So, if you know of anyone for me, my few readers, let me know. Don't tell them about Tim. They just have to be wonderful. Completely wonderful.. because they have big shoes to fill.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
i need to vent. ready? go.
Okay, so I already kinda vented on needtotellsomeone.com the other day, but i need to vent again. Ha. And guess who gets to listen? You, my few blog followers!
Again, this post will most likely be mostly about Tim. Very sorry, but really, it's all I think about. So, here it goes.
So you know how when someone changes their profile picture on facebook, it shows up in your news feed? Well, the other day, I noticed that among the many people who changed their profile pictures that day, Tim was one of them. So, as any person does, since facebook is a place to foster creeper tendencies, I went to his profile to check it out. I clicked on his profile picture so I could see it bigger, and noticed something disturbing after doing such. When in his profile pictures album, I noticed that the picture he had of the two of us for a while during the time in which we were dating (which he had changed with multiple other pictures since) had been deleted. Not just, oh, I'll change my profile picture. It was completely deleted. Naturally, I became very upset. How much do I really mean to him if he's trying to eliminate evidence of us? Is he moving on?
Now, of course, then comes the most important question: Am I reading too far into this? I don't think so. While I most definitely overreacted with a passive aggressive facebook status that ensued a mini-text fight with Tim (we've made up), I question what caused him to need to delete that picture after all this time has passed. We're coming up on a month that we've been broken up. And I can surely tell you, it has felt like the longest month of my life. The most difficult, painful, and excruciating month of my life. Maybe with the exception of when my Nana died and I started college, this has probably been one of the worst months ever. I hate to say it, really, because I feel like I'm falling into that trap of something I have always tried to avoid.
I always told myself I would never be that girl. The one who completely devoted herself to someone so that if it ever ended, she fell apart and didn't know how to exist. I am that girl. I truly don't know what to do with myself. I haven't felt happy since I was with him. Yes, I've had some fun times, but as soon as I start having fun, something reminds me of him, and I feel like jumping off a bridge. No, wait. That's a lie.
I don't feel like jumping off a bridge. I feel like getting into my car. Getting into my car and driving two hours and thirteen minutes to New Jersey and walking up to his front door and kissing him.
I'm starting to fall into questioning myself. I didn't do that in the beginning, because I knew it was completely his issue, which I guess I still know, but what did I do wrong? Plenty, I'm sure. I'm beginning to doubt myself.. my worth... how much I really meant to him. I guess that's the hardest part. Knowing how much I meant..... mean...to him. Does he still care beyond "Oh, well she's my ex-girlfriend and I feel obligated to make sure she's okay?"
It's so hard to have a relationship.. friendship, that is.. online. Or through technology in general. I can't tell what his facebook im's really are trying to convey.. or what emotions are behind his text messages. It sucks.
You know, when I got home from school on May 7th, it was really like living through the whole break-up all over again. I suppose being at school and still hanging out with him was hard too, obviously, but this is worse. Not seeing him, is worse. I think seeing him kind of put on a sort of mirage for my brain.. my heart. Telling both that he was still there.. that things weren't that different. But see, here's the thing. They are different. So different.
I still miss him. It's funny, yesterday I got together with an old friend and we discussed our history. We hadn't really talked beyond drunk dialing in over a year. It was because we had a falling out. See, here's what happened. I never really talked about it online because it was another one of those things that was really hurtful and awful. But, I mean, this happened before I had this blog, back in my livejournal days, so I suppose this story could be out in cyberspace somewhere. Well, here's the Reader's Digest version.
Basically, we had been friends forever. Me and my friend Cisco. We figured out yesterday that we've known each other for almost seven years. We began having feelings for each other, and we both knew it. Somewhere along the way, we both got too chicken shit to do anything about it. Except, November 2009, that all changed. I told him how I felt. He had known all along, but it was better to get it out in the open. Both our emotions went crazy, we made out in my car (my first kiss), and then I went back to Keene. Over the course of that month, while we were texting flirtatiously back and forth, he had other things going on. By January, he had a girlfriend. Who wasn't me. So I stopped talking to him. He led me on and hurt me terribly. I was never in love with him, but he was so close to me that I didn't understand how he could hurt me so. And there's lots of other stuff that I'm not going to talk about on my public blog, but it was complicated. In short, it was awkward. And yesterday, we hashed everything out. And now we're good. And it's awesome.
It's funny because I used to miss Cisco. Eventually, I stopped missing him in the romantic sense. But see, we never went out. I never was in love with him. Were there a lot of complicated emotions that went along with that whole thing? Absolutely. But it was nothing like this.
I used needtotellsomeone.com to basically write what I want to say to Tim (but can't) in a sort of letter form. It felt so good to get all of it off my chest, but it made me realize something. And talking to Cisco about it helped me realize the following as well.
I have no idea where to start in moving on from Tim. Obviously, at least I think, he may be starting to move on. I would wait for him if there was something to be waiting for, but I can't wait for him forever. I'm not going to put my life on hold and wait for him to get his shit together if he's not going to. I feel like whenever I talk to him, I'm being annoying. Or that having a conversation is like pulling teeth. Maybe it's the guise of the internet, and knack it has for confusion since one cannot really tell what a person's emotions are based off that.
::Sigh::.
Why does this all have to be so friggin' complicated? Honestly, I feel like God has betrayed me a bit. I remember the day we broke up I was crying hysterically as I was driving home, and at one point I started screaming at God. I asked "Why did you send him to me if you were going to take him away?"
I know at least a couple reasons why Tim was sent into my life. He showed me how I deserve to be treated, for one thing. My self confidence went through the roof compared to what it was before him. He brought me back to music. So many things.
What scared me was that there was nothing about him that I wanted to change. For me, he was perfect. And then, like that, he was gone, and not mine anymore.
I think he may have even said something to his mom about how it makes him uncomfortable that she contacts me on facebook still.. commenting on statuses, etc. She doesn't do it anymore. Seriously, Tim. What did I do wrong?
Maybe they were all right. All those people who told me that there was more going on. Which I know is completely true. You have a lot going on. Internally, externally. But I was there for you. Constantly. Unconditionally. And you couldn't see it. You couldn't let down that wall. You always spend so much time caring for others that you can't even let someone care for you.
And as I sit in my room every day and wish you were here.. as I listen to your CD and your beautiful voice.. as I look for myself in the wake you left behind.. I think of how Saturday will be the only anniversary we will celebrate. The one month mark of being broken up. Awesome.
Again, this post will most likely be mostly about Tim. Very sorry, but really, it's all I think about. So, here it goes.
So you know how when someone changes their profile picture on facebook, it shows up in your news feed? Well, the other day, I noticed that among the many people who changed their profile pictures that day, Tim was one of them. So, as any person does, since facebook is a place to foster creeper tendencies, I went to his profile to check it out. I clicked on his profile picture so I could see it bigger, and noticed something disturbing after doing such. When in his profile pictures album, I noticed that the picture he had of the two of us for a while during the time in which we were dating (which he had changed with multiple other pictures since) had been deleted. Not just, oh, I'll change my profile picture. It was completely deleted. Naturally, I became very upset. How much do I really mean to him if he's trying to eliminate evidence of us? Is he moving on?
Now, of course, then comes the most important question: Am I reading too far into this? I don't think so. While I most definitely overreacted with a passive aggressive facebook status that ensued a mini-text fight with Tim (we've made up), I question what caused him to need to delete that picture after all this time has passed. We're coming up on a month that we've been broken up. And I can surely tell you, it has felt like the longest month of my life. The most difficult, painful, and excruciating month of my life. Maybe with the exception of when my Nana died and I started college, this has probably been one of the worst months ever. I hate to say it, really, because I feel like I'm falling into that trap of something I have always tried to avoid.
I always told myself I would never be that girl. The one who completely devoted herself to someone so that if it ever ended, she fell apart and didn't know how to exist. I am that girl. I truly don't know what to do with myself. I haven't felt happy since I was with him. Yes, I've had some fun times, but as soon as I start having fun, something reminds me of him, and I feel like jumping off a bridge. No, wait. That's a lie.
I don't feel like jumping off a bridge. I feel like getting into my car. Getting into my car and driving two hours and thirteen minutes to New Jersey and walking up to his front door and kissing him.
I'm starting to fall into questioning myself. I didn't do that in the beginning, because I knew it was completely his issue, which I guess I still know, but what did I do wrong? Plenty, I'm sure. I'm beginning to doubt myself.. my worth... how much I really meant to him. I guess that's the hardest part. Knowing how much I meant..... mean...to him. Does he still care beyond "Oh, well she's my ex-girlfriend and I feel obligated to make sure she's okay?"
It's so hard to have a relationship.. friendship, that is.. online. Or through technology in general. I can't tell what his facebook im's really are trying to convey.. or what emotions are behind his text messages. It sucks.
You know, when I got home from school on May 7th, it was really like living through the whole break-up all over again. I suppose being at school and still hanging out with him was hard too, obviously, but this is worse. Not seeing him, is worse. I think seeing him kind of put on a sort of mirage for my brain.. my heart. Telling both that he was still there.. that things weren't that different. But see, here's the thing. They are different. So different.
I still miss him. It's funny, yesterday I got together with an old friend and we discussed our history. We hadn't really talked beyond drunk dialing in over a year. It was because we had a falling out. See, here's what happened. I never really talked about it online because it was another one of those things that was really hurtful and awful. But, I mean, this happened before I had this blog, back in my livejournal days, so I suppose this story could be out in cyberspace somewhere. Well, here's the Reader's Digest version.
Basically, we had been friends forever. Me and my friend Cisco. We figured out yesterday that we've known each other for almost seven years. We began having feelings for each other, and we both knew it. Somewhere along the way, we both got too chicken shit to do anything about it. Except, November 2009, that all changed. I told him how I felt. He had known all along, but it was better to get it out in the open. Both our emotions went crazy, we made out in my car (my first kiss), and then I went back to Keene. Over the course of that month, while we were texting flirtatiously back and forth, he had other things going on. By January, he had a girlfriend. Who wasn't me. So I stopped talking to him. He led me on and hurt me terribly. I was never in love with him, but he was so close to me that I didn't understand how he could hurt me so. And there's lots of other stuff that I'm not going to talk about on my public blog, but it was complicated. In short, it was awkward. And yesterday, we hashed everything out. And now we're good. And it's awesome.
It's funny because I used to miss Cisco. Eventually, I stopped missing him in the romantic sense. But see, we never went out. I never was in love with him. Were there a lot of complicated emotions that went along with that whole thing? Absolutely. But it was nothing like this.
I used needtotellsomeone.com to basically write what I want to say to Tim (but can't) in a sort of letter form. It felt so good to get all of it off my chest, but it made me realize something. And talking to Cisco about it helped me realize the following as well.
I have no idea where to start in moving on from Tim. Obviously, at least I think, he may be starting to move on. I would wait for him if there was something to be waiting for, but I can't wait for him forever. I'm not going to put my life on hold and wait for him to get his shit together if he's not going to. I feel like whenever I talk to him, I'm being annoying. Or that having a conversation is like pulling teeth. Maybe it's the guise of the internet, and knack it has for confusion since one cannot really tell what a person's emotions are based off that.
::Sigh::.
Why does this all have to be so friggin' complicated? Honestly, I feel like God has betrayed me a bit. I remember the day we broke up I was crying hysterically as I was driving home, and at one point I started screaming at God. I asked "Why did you send him to me if you were going to take him away?"
I know at least a couple reasons why Tim was sent into my life. He showed me how I deserve to be treated, for one thing. My self confidence went through the roof compared to what it was before him. He brought me back to music. So many things.
What scared me was that there was nothing about him that I wanted to change. For me, he was perfect. And then, like that, he was gone, and not mine anymore.
I think he may have even said something to his mom about how it makes him uncomfortable that she contacts me on facebook still.. commenting on statuses, etc. She doesn't do it anymore. Seriously, Tim. What did I do wrong?
Maybe they were all right. All those people who told me that there was more going on. Which I know is completely true. You have a lot going on. Internally, externally. But I was there for you. Constantly. Unconditionally. And you couldn't see it. You couldn't let down that wall. You always spend so much time caring for others that you can't even let someone care for you.
And as I sit in my room every day and wish you were here.. as I listen to your CD and your beautiful voice.. as I look for myself in the wake you left behind.. I think of how Saturday will be the only anniversary we will celebrate. The one month mark of being broken up. Awesome.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I suppose I should update...
I suppose I should update. That's what people typically do when they have a blog, right?
I want to apologize in advance, as this post will most likely not be very uplifting, adding to a newfound theme of depression in my blog. But I am being completely honest with you, my readers, since I cannot be completely honest in real life. When I started this blog, I promised I would not censor myself, and with recent goings on, I feel that there is nothing that should squash that promise.
So, I've officially been home for a week now. It's felt like an eternity. This is the first time in all the years I've been in college that I've actually wanted to go back. It's a very strange feeling, but I really don't want to be home. I want to go back to school. Yet, I can't figure out if it's only because I'm missing people so much. And when I say people, I miss my friends, yes, but we all know who I'm really missing. This week has been really tough. I think it finally set in that Tim graduated. Then again, there's still a little part of me that expects to see him when I move back to Keene in August. It's not going to happen.
A lot of things I want probably aren't going to happen. I want him back. As much as I try to avoid it, or convince myself that I'm a completely functioning person without him, that I am better without him... I'm not. I can honestly say with all sincerity that the happiest I have ever been in my life was when I was with him. It's funny, right before Saturday I went down to his room to pick up a CD from him and we had a discussion. I wanted to talk to him before the craziness of graduation started, before everyone showed up and we wouldn't have any more time alone. I told him how much I was grateful for him; I mean, despite how things ended so soon, he did do wonders for my self confidence and esteem, he showed me how to appreciate music again.. I haven't sang like this in years.. I told him I didn't regret anything. And we talked about how I was worried that we'd lose touch.. he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Are you kidding?"
Here's the problem. I know it's been hard for me. And I know it was hard for him in the beginning especially, but we're very similar in the sense that he doesn't show how he is really feeling most of the time. He would rather get hurt himself than hurt other people, so he's not the type to flaunt his pain. I don't know where he is at in this whole thing. See, I think I'm just... I was about to type confused, but I'm not confused. I know exactly what I want. I want him. I want Timothy Ryan James Price. But I don't know where he is, there's the confusion.
I suppose my confusion is completely based in him. What are his feelings about us lately? Why is he still putting up this wall... I can feel it, his family can feel it.. ugh. This just sucks. Plain and simple. I feel bad that I keep talking about to, well, everyone. But really, it's the only thing going on in my brain. And missing him this much, pretty much all of my energy goes into getting out of my bed in the morning, so I apologize, but I can't stop. When you love someone like I love him, and this is how things are, there's no getting around this shit.
I have a little plan for myself however. I'm going to give myself the majority of the summer to think about it. I have my 21st birthday coming up and my cousin's wedding (where I hear there are going to be lots of hot single men); so another words, there's going to be opportunities to meet new man type people. While right now thinking of being with anyone else hurts the hell out of my heart, I am going to try to be open. And if at the end of the summer I still can't stop thinking about him, and I still want to be with him, than I'm going to talk to him about it. Until then, I'm going to attempt to be pleasant.
I think my dilemma is since I don't know where he is in this whole thing, I don't know how much contact with him is appropriate. I mean, I struggle with, "Shit, Loretta, do not text that boy", but yeah. It sucks. I can't even turn off my phone either, it won't turn off. Piece of crap. But, he's going to Europe with his parents (his graduation present) at the end of the month, so that's at least a couple week stretch where I have no choice but to not contact him. He'll be in Europe on my birthday, which is probably a good thing since I have a tendency to call and text everyone I shouldn't when I'm inebriated.
So I suppose to sum up, I'm a mess. No getting around it, it seems. My name is Loretta, and I can't stop being in love with Timothy Ryan James Price. I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem.
I want to apologize in advance, as this post will most likely not be very uplifting, adding to a newfound theme of depression in my blog. But I am being completely honest with you, my readers, since I cannot be completely honest in real life. When I started this blog, I promised I would not censor myself, and with recent goings on, I feel that there is nothing that should squash that promise.
So, I've officially been home for a week now. It's felt like an eternity. This is the first time in all the years I've been in college that I've actually wanted to go back. It's a very strange feeling, but I really don't want to be home. I want to go back to school. Yet, I can't figure out if it's only because I'm missing people so much. And when I say people, I miss my friends, yes, but we all know who I'm really missing. This week has been really tough. I think it finally set in that Tim graduated. Then again, there's still a little part of me that expects to see him when I move back to Keene in August. It's not going to happen.
A lot of things I want probably aren't going to happen. I want him back. As much as I try to avoid it, or convince myself that I'm a completely functioning person without him, that I am better without him... I'm not. I can honestly say with all sincerity that the happiest I have ever been in my life was when I was with him. It's funny, right before Saturday I went down to his room to pick up a CD from him and we had a discussion. I wanted to talk to him before the craziness of graduation started, before everyone showed up and we wouldn't have any more time alone. I told him how much I was grateful for him; I mean, despite how things ended so soon, he did do wonders for my self confidence and esteem, he showed me how to appreciate music again.. I haven't sang like this in years.. I told him I didn't regret anything. And we talked about how I was worried that we'd lose touch.. he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Are you kidding?"
Here's the problem. I know it's been hard for me. And I know it was hard for him in the beginning especially, but we're very similar in the sense that he doesn't show how he is really feeling most of the time. He would rather get hurt himself than hurt other people, so he's not the type to flaunt his pain. I don't know where he is at in this whole thing. See, I think I'm just... I was about to type confused, but I'm not confused. I know exactly what I want. I want him. I want Timothy Ryan James Price. But I don't know where he is, there's the confusion.
I suppose my confusion is completely based in him. What are his feelings about us lately? Why is he still putting up this wall... I can feel it, his family can feel it.. ugh. This just sucks. Plain and simple. I feel bad that I keep talking about to, well, everyone. But really, it's the only thing going on in my brain. And missing him this much, pretty much all of my energy goes into getting out of my bed in the morning, so I apologize, but I can't stop. When you love someone like I love him, and this is how things are, there's no getting around this shit.
I have a little plan for myself however. I'm going to give myself the majority of the summer to think about it. I have my 21st birthday coming up and my cousin's wedding (where I hear there are going to be lots of hot single men); so another words, there's going to be opportunities to meet new man type people. While right now thinking of being with anyone else hurts the hell out of my heart, I am going to try to be open. And if at the end of the summer I still can't stop thinking about him, and I still want to be with him, than I'm going to talk to him about it. Until then, I'm going to attempt to be pleasant.
I think my dilemma is since I don't know where he is in this whole thing, I don't know how much contact with him is appropriate. I mean, I struggle with, "Shit, Loretta, do not text that boy", but yeah. It sucks. I can't even turn off my phone either, it won't turn off. Piece of crap. But, he's going to Europe with his parents (his graduation present) at the end of the month, so that's at least a couple week stretch where I have no choice but to not contact him. He'll be in Europe on my birthday, which is probably a good thing since I have a tendency to call and text everyone I shouldn't when I'm inebriated.
So I suppose to sum up, I'm a mess. No getting around it, it seems. My name is Loretta, and I can't stop being in love with Timothy Ryan James Price. I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Goodness.
Well, today is the last day of my junior year of college.
This is absolutely surreal. I was going through this year not really thinking about what was next, but now that the seniors are about to gradu------ I don't like saying it. It freaks me out. My friends are all leaving! My boy is leaving. I mean, technically, he is not my boy anyways. But I still feel like he's my boy in a sense.. Our relationship has drastically changed over these past two weeks, but he's still my boy. And tomorrow, he is leaving. And my best friend is walking, too. She's graduating a semester early, so she's walking with the class of 2011 instead of 2012.
So, tomorrow, and all my friends walk across that stage, I can't even imagine or prepare myself in any sense for what emotions will flood my heart. I am scared for what this will mean, honestly, for my relationships with these people.
I've never dealt well with change and this is probably one of the biggest changes to come into my life in quite some time. Granted, being with Tim was a change, but this type of thing is more like... I don't know. I just don't know.
On the other hand, I have had another recent large change in my life. I filed paperwork today to drop my Elementary Education major. I am now primarily an English major. This came about after several conversations, some serious thinking, some grades, and knowing that I never wanted to teach. I never have. I went into Education as a back up degree, in a sense. It was more to help my resume than anything, but I've gotten to the point in the program where you really have to be passionate about it in order to complete the coursework and class requirements. I just don't have the passion for it like other people do.
So, my plan, as it always has been, is to direct children's theater. That was the goal all along, and being in this program I suppose helped me to refocus on that goal, so that I didn't get sucked up into a career that I didn't want.
I guess now the only thing to talk about is how these past couple of weeks have been going. First off, my health has been kind of all over the place lately. I've lost 7.5 lbs in the past 30 days. I haven't really been able to eat and I've been losing weight like crazy. On top of it, my roommates are convinced I am developing anorexic tendencies. Who knows what is going on. I think it's a combination of an undiagnosed allergy and emotional distress.
Emotional distress... I miss him. I miss him terribly. My boy.. I still love him. I've been trying so hard not to, but it's not working. How do you fall out of love with someone? But the thing is, I don't want to love him, but I don't want to fall out of love with him. I want him to love me.
This is absolutely surreal. I was going through this year not really thinking about what was next, but now that the seniors are about to gradu------ I don't like saying it. It freaks me out. My friends are all leaving! My boy is leaving. I mean, technically, he is not my boy anyways. But I still feel like he's my boy in a sense.. Our relationship has drastically changed over these past two weeks, but he's still my boy. And tomorrow, he is leaving. And my best friend is walking, too. She's graduating a semester early, so she's walking with the class of 2011 instead of 2012.
So, tomorrow, and all my friends walk across that stage, I can't even imagine or prepare myself in any sense for what emotions will flood my heart. I am scared for what this will mean, honestly, for my relationships with these people.
I've never dealt well with change and this is probably one of the biggest changes to come into my life in quite some time. Granted, being with Tim was a change, but this type of thing is more like... I don't know. I just don't know.
On the other hand, I have had another recent large change in my life. I filed paperwork today to drop my Elementary Education major. I am now primarily an English major. This came about after several conversations, some serious thinking, some grades, and knowing that I never wanted to teach. I never have. I went into Education as a back up degree, in a sense. It was more to help my resume than anything, but I've gotten to the point in the program where you really have to be passionate about it in order to complete the coursework and class requirements. I just don't have the passion for it like other people do.
So, my plan, as it always has been, is to direct children's theater. That was the goal all along, and being in this program I suppose helped me to refocus on that goal, so that I didn't get sucked up into a career that I didn't want.
I guess now the only thing to talk about is how these past couple of weeks have been going. First off, my health has been kind of all over the place lately. I've lost 7.5 lbs in the past 30 days. I haven't really been able to eat and I've been losing weight like crazy. On top of it, my roommates are convinced I am developing anorexic tendencies. Who knows what is going on. I think it's a combination of an undiagnosed allergy and emotional distress.
Emotional distress... I miss him. I miss him terribly. My boy.. I still love him. I've been trying so hard not to, but it's not working. How do you fall out of love with someone? But the thing is, I don't want to love him, but I don't want to fall out of love with him. I want him to love me.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Pain. Just... pain.
So i haven't posted in a really long time.
Mostly it was due to how freakin' happy I was. Notice the past tense used there. For the past month I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I was driving back to Keene last weekend from our Emmaus retreat and I was so overcome with joy I couldn't breathe. I had never had that happen before.
And to tell you the truth, it was because of my boy. This boy who I got to know, who I fell in love with. I tried not to, I did. But I fell in love with him.
And then yesterday, he shattered my world. He ended it because he was afraid of what was to come.. he's graduating in two weeks and couldn't imagine doing a long distance relationship so before either of us got more feelings for each other, he ended it. So we wouldn't get more hurt in the end.
But see here's the thing, baby. I am in love with you. And you just took my heart, ripped it out of my chest, and smashed it on the floor. And now, I feel broken and I don't know where to go from here.
I couldn't handle it. See, I was supposed to stay in Keene and spend Easter with him and his family, but that just wasn't going to happen. It happened, and I literally ran upstairs, threw some shit in a bag, practically ran to Winchester lot to get my car, and ran around to get my stuff in the car and got the fuck outta there.
I couldn't be in Keene for one more second. I don't know what's going to happen come Sunday when I have to go back... I don't know how that's going to go. I was screaming at cars that were going slow and preventing me from getting out of Keene. And remember, I have two weeks left. Two weeks left of seeing him and of desperately wanting him. Course, the wanting him probably won't end there.
See here's the thing.
He's scared. I'm scared of what would've happened too. Long distance relationships are scary. But I was willing to step into the fear and try. He's so scared of getting hurt that he's not. That's why he ended it. And now, who knows how he's feeling, but I'm a fucking mess. I've never burst out crying in the middle of driving before like I did yesterday. A good portion of my ride home was very unsafe in that regard, actually.
Really. I tried not to fall in love with him. I knew we had little time, and I knew that it wasn't a good idea. But that didn't change anything..
I love you. I just never told you. And now it's over. I hope you're happy.
Mostly it was due to how freakin' happy I was. Notice the past tense used there. For the past month I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I was driving back to Keene last weekend from our Emmaus retreat and I was so overcome with joy I couldn't breathe. I had never had that happen before.
And to tell you the truth, it was because of my boy. This boy who I got to know, who I fell in love with. I tried not to, I did. But I fell in love with him.
And then yesterday, he shattered my world. He ended it because he was afraid of what was to come.. he's graduating in two weeks and couldn't imagine doing a long distance relationship so before either of us got more feelings for each other, he ended it. So we wouldn't get more hurt in the end.
But see here's the thing, baby. I am in love with you. And you just took my heart, ripped it out of my chest, and smashed it on the floor. And now, I feel broken and I don't know where to go from here.
I couldn't handle it. See, I was supposed to stay in Keene and spend Easter with him and his family, but that just wasn't going to happen. It happened, and I literally ran upstairs, threw some shit in a bag, practically ran to Winchester lot to get my car, and ran around to get my stuff in the car and got the fuck outta there.
I couldn't be in Keene for one more second. I don't know what's going to happen come Sunday when I have to go back... I don't know how that's going to go. I was screaming at cars that were going slow and preventing me from getting out of Keene. And remember, I have two weeks left. Two weeks left of seeing him and of desperately wanting him. Course, the wanting him probably won't end there.
See here's the thing.
He's scared. I'm scared of what would've happened too. Long distance relationships are scary. But I was willing to step into the fear and try. He's so scared of getting hurt that he's not. That's why he ended it. And now, who knows how he's feeling, but I'm a fucking mess. I've never burst out crying in the middle of driving before like I did yesterday. A good portion of my ride home was very unsafe in that regard, actually.
Really. I tried not to fall in love with him. I knew we had little time, and I knew that it wasn't a good idea. But that didn't change anything..
I love you. I just never told you. And now it's over. I hope you're happy.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
God Speaks to Me
The Lord really speaks to me through Facebook, I swear! Another one of those God Wants You to Know daily things.. and it's so right on with what's going on in my life right now.
"There is nothing you need to do to deserve happiness. There are no 'minimal requirements' for you to fulfill before you can claim happiness. You deserve happiness simply by virtue of having been born. That's it. Nothing more is required. Be happy. "
i've been having roommate issues since i started going out with the boy.
Yes, that's right folks. We're official! Today is one week :)
but anyways. I've been really struggling and feeling guilty for being so happy, which has had an impact on my relationship with my roomie. more to come on this, but now i don't have time. just wanted to post this so i wouldn't forget. :P
"There is nothing you need to do to deserve happiness. There are no 'minimal requirements' for you to fulfill before you can claim happiness. You deserve happiness simply by virtue of having been born. That's it. Nothing more is required. Be happy. "
i've been having roommate issues since i started going out with the boy.
Yes, that's right folks. We're official! Today is one week :)
but anyways. I've been really struggling and feeling guilty for being so happy, which has had an impact on my relationship with my roomie. more to come on this, but now i don't have time. just wanted to post this so i wouldn't forget. :P
Thursday, March 31, 2011
A Sad Post
This morning I have received word of the passing of a friend of my family's. Vera Rozarie has been a part of my life since I was a child, always the loving and kind woman I knew from St. James, my parish. As I have gotten older, she has become special to me as I am a future educator, and this was also the profession she chose. She's my "buddy", and she will be greatly missed. Please pray for Vera and her family, as they are struggling with their loss.
ROZARIE Vera J. Rozarie of Stratford, went home to the Lord on Tuesday, March 29, 2011. She was the third child born to James L. and Helena E. Londea Kazee. One of six children, she was educated in Bridgeport, Fairfield, and New Haven. She graduated from Harding High School, SHU (B.S.), and SCSU (M.S., 6th Year Professional Diploma). Vera was prede-ceased by her husband, Edward C. Rozarie. Together they parented four children, Gwen Ann, Edwina, Dirk (married to Judith) and Carla. Vera was grandmother to Lisa, Andrew, Gina and Emily Eaton, Meghan, Jeremiah and Casey Rozarie; sister to William of New York, NY, Anna of Pompano Beach, Fla.; "Auntbear" to many nieces and nephews; sister-in-law to Edith and Otis Otts of the Westville section of New Haven. Her wide network of friends and extended family included Mary and MaryLou Semedo; her church family at St. James; Cursillo of Fairfield County; her Sisters in Christ, Celeste, Connie, Nancy, Rhina and Rita; two very special friends, Ernest and Thom; her educational family, the Stratford Community Family (through CARE), Baldwin Center and Marathon Bridge Group Family, as well as her friends and neighbors at Tide Harbor where she was a member of the Board of Directors. She was also a member of the Red Rose Hatters (Co-Queen) and Les Treize. She was the only lay member of the Stratford Clergy Association. Vera had many associates in life but chose her friends carefully. To name them would mean leaving important people out. Each of you knows the role you played in her life. God, family, friends, church, community and life (which included a good poker game or game of Spanish 21) filled her days. Vera was a nurturer and teacher all of her adult life. As Vera believed strongly in the power of education and service to community, please make a donation to the scholarship program of your choice in her honor. There are several excellent scholarships associated with organizations she was involved in (as listed above).Calling hours are 4 to 8 p.m. on Friday, April 1st in the Pistey Funeral Home, 2155 Main Street, Stratford. A Mass of Christian burial will be celebrated at St. James Church on Saturday, April 2nd at 10:30 a.m. Burial services at the convenience of the family. "God bless and keep you until we meet again."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)