Pass It On

This past weekend was Emmaus XXX! It was absolutely incredible. It's hard to describe what Emmaus means to me, but since Emmaus is part of the title of this blog, I feel it necessary to feign an attempt.

Emmaus has been a part of my life since 2005. My best friend introduced me to this retreat since she had made it a year prior and had family who were on team. Though my sisters had both participated in multiple Emmaus retreats during their high school years, I was a bit apprehensive since one of the ploys of Emmaus is that practically everything is a surprise. You're not told much at all prior to attending. Little did I know how that weekend would change my life and the person who I would become.

I can honestly say that Emmaus is one of the the most important things in my life. Without it I would not be complete. Growing up around such an amazing group of people I learned something very important that I feel like many people are not given the opportunity to learn.

I learned what love really is. I mean, yes everyone experiences love, whether it be with friends or family. But love on Emmaus is a completely different ballgame. Love on Emmaus is like that feeling you get when you're standing at the edge of a mountaintop, or when you accomplish your biggest goal. It's that feeling of being on top of the world, of complete joy; that feeling where you don't think life can get any better. The feeling when you're driving in your car and you smile for no reason. That's what love on Emmaus is like; it's like being on top of the world. I really am at a loss to describe it to be anything different from that. It's not like it's really something you can explain in the first place anyways, but I tried!

In any case, the love I have found through Emmaus also brought me to what I had always wanted. For as long as I can remember, I had a fantastic immediate family. When it came to my extended family, however, we were often broken. On both sides, there was little stability with the exception of a few people. We were never a close knit type, only seeing each other on holidays. And, for as long as I can remember, I had always wanted this other type of family. A family where you could show up at their house randomly; where you could talk to them about anything; where there are periodic picnics for no reason. Just like, real family. Since I understood at a point that my family could never become this thing that I was looking for, I asked God to send me a man who had a family like this so I could at least marry into one. Whatever it took, I wanted that family. I would do whatever it took to get there.

Emmaus gave me this family I had been searching for. They are what I had been looking for for so many years. I cannot even express how much they all mean to me; how much I love them. The unconditional acceptance and love I have experienced through these incredible people. It's hard to even form words beyond how amazing they are; if I could pour out my soul onto this blog and show you how much they mean to me, how they saved my life. They saved me. For that and many other things, I will be eternally grateful.

Hence, I come back around. Emmaus is the place where it all started. Emmaus, in companion with the amazing people on it and the love of the Lord, saved my life. I would not be here today if it had not been for them, or be the person I am without them. Emmaus is an integrate part of not only my life, but who I am.

I love you all. <3 <3 <3
Pass it on.

Long Time No Post

It has almost been two months since I last posted! This is terribly unfortunate, and I apologize greatly for my absence.

Things have been going well. I can't even say I've really been that terribly busy, I just am in senioritis mode hardcore. I really don't want to do work; ever really. I just want to sleep and eat and watch TV. It's much worse than when I was a senior is high school. I'm getting mostly everything done; every once in a while something slips through the cracks that I cannot bring myself to actually do, but I'm getting through I suppose.

I went to the health center on campus for something last week, and they weigh you when you go in. I was wicked nervous, anticipating weight gain supreme since I've come back to school. I've only gained twoish pounds! I was very happy to see that. My thoughts towards food have definitely gotten better since the semester began, but I still constantly worry about gaining the weight back.

Steve and I are coming up on three months! Every moment I spend with him is amazing, and every moment we're apart I miss him. I am falling for this boy, growing closer to him every day even when I'm not with him. He makes me so happy, and I can't even describe how lucky I am to have him in my life. He is showing me so many things about the world, about myself. He probably doesn't even realize it, either. I'm learning how I should be treated; how special I am, which is something that I seriously thought I would never say. Overall, he is just wonderful. Mmmmm. :)

It's only October, but I'm already starting to get pumped for Christmas. I'm already planning out what I want to get people, bake, etc. I absolutely love Christmas season.. the baking, the clay ornament making, the music. I'm currently planning out a Christmas album for this season.. I haven't recording Christmas music since 2009, so I think it's about time to do some of that. It will hopefully feature some guest artists as well, various friends and even a couple that I don't really know. I'm actually really excited about it!

This weekend I'll be going to Brighton again for Halloween festivities; Steve and I are both wearing military garb as well as some other friends. We're all gonna look awesome walking around together. I'm wicked excited for it.

Emmaus is coming up! Ten days, I believe, is the count now. We have an amazing fifteen candidates, which is absolutely ridiculous. I don't remember the last time we had a weekend that large. It's the 30th anniversary weekend, too, so it's going to be awesome. I finally ordered an Emmaus hoodie, and it's at my house waiting for me. I cannot wait to wear it.. I've wanted one of those for years. I can't wait for Emmaus.. I really need it this year. My neighbor is going to be a candidate, and my cousin is working on team for the first time. This will be the first weekend at which I will have biological family. While over the years I have considered the Emmaus community my family, without question they are, it'll be really cool to have actual blood family on the weekend. I've always been one of those orphans.

I love that the fall weather is finally here; I've been waiting for the cold. The only problem this year is that since I lost so much weight, none of my winter clothes fit! Everything is so big on me. I wish I had more funding to go buy some new clothes. I suppose belts will just have to do for now.

I really miss baking. I did so much of it this summer, that now I'm kinda going into withdrawl. There are so many amazing recipes I've discovered via Stumbleupon, and I want to try them so badly. I think I'm going to do a lot of baking once I get home for Christmas.

I still miss my little boy wicked badly. His mom sent me a link for their online photo album, and he not only got a little haircut but his new aupere is there now. He has grown so much! I sent him a little KSC t-shirt, which I thought would be ginormous on him, but it fits him perfectly! I'm going to try and see him over Thanksgiving break. I cannot wait to see him, but I must admit I'm nervous he won't remember me. He's so little still, afterall, and now that Edna is there and he seems to really like her, it'll probably be really difficult for me if he won't come to me or anything... I'm gonna miss that.

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do once I graduate. I know I want to try and move to the Boston area still, but what I will do there is still up in the air. I suppose it's just scary to think about trying to get into the children's theatre industry; it's so narrow especially since I don't have a degree in theater. However, my resume regarding children's theater is somewhat impressive for my age, so hopefully that will work in my favor.

I don't go to counseling anymore. I decided to stop; I found myself really struggling to find things that were sufficient enough to talk about. I think a lot of what needed to be discussed revolved around the fact that I'm changing a lot as a person and the catalysts of these changes. I needed to talk about the stuff with Tim and how hurt I was by all of that. It's been amazing to find out all these things from various people now that I'm back in school... the information that I missed along the way is purely shocking. It's sad that I was so head over heels in love with him and I was so blinded by that that I allowed myself to be treated like shit and didn't even realize it.

What's great is that now that I'm with Steve, I have found a balance. I am not constantly giving of myself to please him, but balancing him into my life; there is give and take instead of just give. We communicate beautifully, he makes me happy, I don't obsess over him.

I was just telling a friend today how I finally am at a place in my life where I feel as though I am allowing myself to be the person I want to be; the person I feel as though I've stifled for years. I feel as though things are finally starting to go right.

Rawr.

I really could not think of a title for this blog, since I literally have no idea what is about to be written. Sorry about the lameness emanating from the title space.

Classes are going well thus far. I think it's going to be a decent semester. I would really love to make dean's list again, since I've only done it once since being in college. I think it's definitely feasible, as long as I don't bomb the various exams that are scattered throughout the semester. It's one thing to write or do a paper, but exams and me don't get along very well. So hopefully, I'll be able to get through without just having to scrap by.

I am seriously considering starting a second blog in which to publish my creative writing. I have a lot stored up, and my collection is increasing daily, being that I'm in two writing classes this semester. I already have a name for it. I think this weekend I'm going to start that :)

I went to see my boy this weekend. I cannot even tell you how much I adore being with him, and how much I adore him! He is so good to me and so much fun to be with. After other relationship experiences I've had or my friends have had, I've come to the conclusion that it is completely imperative that I am not only completely comfortable to be myself with my partner, but that I can have fun with them. Laughing is very important to me, and without laughter, my life would literally be incomplete.
He makes me laugh. I am legitimately happy when I am with him, and every once in a while, I look at him and wonder what I did to get so lucky that I got to be his girl.

Spending so much time in the city (Boston) lately I am starting to realize more and more how much I want to live there. I need to really start  looking into jobs/pastry schools in the Boston area. And living situations. I'm thinking about talking to my sister to see if any of her friends are looking or anything like that. Who knows where this will lead. O boy. Growing up is scary.

I really should go do homework. Yes. Homework. Here we go.

I didn't buy a toaster.

Well, I didn't buy a toaster. I will soon, but I just didn't get to it this weekend. I needed to buy some other things, and I need to let my wallet cool down I think before I buy anything else. My goal is to spend money on nothing except gas this week. Hope that goes well.

Had my first counseling appointment today. We didn't really get into much, since they're still doing all their initial paperwork. I walked into Emily's office and she asked me if one of the grad student interns that are new the the center for the year could sit in on my session. Absolutely! I can't even tell you how many times I've had interns shadow or sit in on my sessions. It's kinda familiar to me. Whatever, I guess it went well. I have a feeling Emily isn't going to put up with my shit like Pam did.. I have a feeling that I'm actually going to delve into things this semester.

My boy was here this weekend! I can't even tell you how good it was to see him. I literally saw him turn the corner onto the street and ran out to the car. It was amazing to have so much time with him. He is so incredible. Like, I can be romantic with him, I can be silly, I can be serious. The other day I found out some upsetting information and he listened to me vent. I guess I'm just not used to being treated well. I used to think the other boy I was with treated me well, but I have realized that I was blinded completely by how into him I was. There were so many lies, so much dishonesty there.
But now I have Steven. And he is so completely incredible that every day I ask why I am so lucky. How the hell did I get this boy? And on a side note, tomorrow is our one month anniversary. This will be my first anniversary since I was fifteen. Not gonna lie, kinda excited. :)

It's funny. Something I've realized from this whole thing is how completely disconnected from my faith I am. I don't think I really thought about it until I went to ask someone why I was so lucky to have Steve.. and then I realized that my first thought wasn't to ask God. I was just putting the question generally out into the universe. I guess I just had some things come up when I was home and wasn't going to church, and then I stopped talking to God. I don't think my faith has been quite right since my Nana died in 2008. I was so angry with God, and I don't know if I ever quite recovered all the way from it. Don't get me wrong, I am not angry with God. But I guess I just am not relying on Him as much as I should be. I do miss Him. I know I need Him in my life. Why can't I just open myself to Him?

Semester is going well so far. I just submitted my intent to graduate today. That was freakin' scary. I am getting so old! And I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life when I graduate in May. I have a general idea, but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to make it happen. I've never been the type to push to get things done. I'm more likely to quit then keep going. I don't know why, and I hate that about myself. I think I might be so afraid of failure sometimes that I don't even try. But this is my life. I have to try.

I'm changing so much. Emily in counseling today was basically highlighting that what I've been pointing to is that I'm distressed with how much I'm changing. My mind is caught in a bit of a whirlwind, trying to hold on and accept the new me. And I do accept her. I think there's still just a lot of the old me leftover, and she's struggling with some of the changes in this new me. I'm learning to step out of my comfort zone, step out and not let other people stop me from doing what I want to do. I am finally being my own person, living for me, and though it's awesome, it's scary as hell.

So I guess, pray for me. Just, pray for me. I am so incredibly happy, but I think there are a few conflicts going on in my brain and I could use some prayers.

Toaster.

I learned that we're allowed to have toasters in the dorm. WHAT? So excited. I'm going to be buying one this weekend and using it to make waffles and cinnamon toast. YES. So pumped.

I had my intake appointment at the counseling center today. Going into this semester, I had every intention of not going to the counseling center. I mean, I've been seeing a counselor since three weeks into my sophomore year here at Keene State. Feeling as though I was in a relatively stable and good place, I felt like I could handle things on my own. However, in talking to other people and hearing their observations of me, I come to find out that I should "talk to someone". I'm not really opposed, since I've spent years in therapy.
So when I went in and started talking to the counselor about 'why I was there', I realized that there really is a lot I could work on. I think it might even be more just trying to find closure and work out mentally a lot of the things I've suppressed from the past 6 months or so. I think this will just be healthy to talk it out. Course, the counselor said, "I'm gonna need to think about you for a couple days". HA. I thought that was funny for some reason.

STEVE IS COMING HOME TODAY! As I'm typing this he's in route to the airport. He's coming home today, and then in three days, he's coming to Keene. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen him. Like I said in my last post (or at least I think I did), I'm gonna tackle that boy when he gets here. We were talking on the phone the other night and decided it's probably going to be a very 'violent' reunion, but completely and totally worth it. I smiled while I typed that whole paragraph. I'm such a dork.

So I had to write a short story type of thing for my creative non-fiction class. It had to be creative non-fiction, of course, about us or something we've learned. I started writing, and I ended up writing a piece about the little boy I watched all summer. It came out a lot different and longer than I expected, but I'm pleased with the results. So yay!

Life is good. Life is good.

Small Recap.. Because I'm Bored.

Alright, well orientation week is finally OVER! Thank the sweet Lord.

To start off the week, we were meeting in Tiffany's office every day for hours trying to plan out the orientation program that we would be putting on for the freshmen later on in the week. It was quite the hellish ordeal. My roommate ended up crying on more than one occasion.

In the end however, we came up with an awesome program that we put on four separate times. We were known among the orientation groups as one of the funnest programs to go to! Success! The kids were all really engaged and seemed to have a good time while we still managed to present the material that we deemed necessary for them to attain. So yay!

Steve is currently at PAX Prime in Seattle. I get to see him in six days! It feels like it's been forever since I last saw him, but it was only August 15th. But I mean, it feels sooo much longer than that. I hope that this week flies by so that I can see him. I pretty much have warned him already that I'm going to run across the parking lot and tackle him. It's really cute though, because he said he was probably going to do the same thing. Despite it sucking that we aren't able to see each other, we've gotten to talk on the phone and the trillian instand messenger while he's at work. And we send each other pictures, which is fun. It's so nice to open my phone and see his gorgeous face. I'm such a dork. I can't even type that without smiling. Gracious.

I think I'm finally settled into the fact that I'm a senior. I am a senior. I *am* a senior. That is crazy!! When did I go through three years of college?! Now, I'm not ready for the real world, by any means, but I think by the end of this year I should be okay. Hopefully. Because by then, I don't really have a choice in the matter.

On another note, I made an appointment with the counseling center. I wasn't going to, but I have been advised by a couple different people that it might be a good idea. Since the crazy weight loss I went through was such a traumatic time and since I never talked to anyone about it.. I guess the general consensus seems to be that it would be a good idea for me to talk to someone. And I don't know.. maybe it would be. I mean, I've kinda found myself slipping back into old habits of completely stuffing my feelings instead of dealing with them. I can tell you the last time I cried. It was so long ago. April 22nd, I believe. Sometime Easter weekend. But I'm pretty sure it was the 22nd. So hopefully, whoever I'm paired with will be able to dig through whatever risidule shit is leftover or might be still affecting me.

And on a completely separate note, I love Planned Parenthood. For a long time I was kinda on the fence with how I felt about them, and in the past few years I have discovered how much I really appreciate them and what they do for women. Two for you Planned Parenthood, you go Planned Parenthood. :)

I Could See It...

I think I may understand now how people say they don't want to do long distance relationships. It's hard not seeing Steve all the time. I mean, we're in the midst of an almost three week stretch without seeing each other. This past weekend I was moving to Keene, and this upcoming weekend he is going to PAX Prime. So, basically, we have to wait. And it really sucks. I miss him so much.

But here's the thing. I have now figured it out. I always used to think, 'Why the hell would someone put themselves through that? Find someone closer!'
No. Here's the thing. When you care about someone, and I mean really care about them, and you can't imagine life without them, or imagine being with anyone else, you wait. You wait as long as it takes just to see them, to hold them, to talk to them.

And I will wait, too. This boy is completely and totally worth the distance. Completely and totally worth waiting for.