Update

So I realized the other day that I never posted about my weight loss challenge that I made a few months back. If you remember, in this blog I set a goal of losing 35 lbs on February 18th. The end date of my goal was my 21st birthday, being June 4th of that same year.

I am happy to say that I have lost 37 lbs! So I made my goal! Which is something not only that I thought would never happen, but has never happened before! I want to lose about 10 more lbs, and tone up significantly. I don't see that happening really while I'm home, but once I get back to school I will definitely be spending some time at the gym since I'll actually have time now :)

Also, I got the job babysitting the 15 month old! Yay! I'm a little nervous, but hopefully it'll work out! :)

Sharing my baking

I completely forgot that I wanted to upload my latest baking endeavors for your viewing pleasure. It was completely tasty and wonderful, and look fun! Here you go!

These are "bridal party" vanilla cupcakes with whipped vanilla frosting and chocolate leaves. 

Aren't they fun? :)

This is a closeup of the leaf so you can see the detail and so you can see how fluffy that frosting was! Look how the leaf sinks into it. Love! :)

it's been a while.

It's been about 10 days since I last updated, and compared to where I was a month ago, I am doing considerably better.

The play just ended, and I could not be prouder of my kids. They did a phenomenal job this year.. probably my favorite show and cast to date out of all the 9 years I've been working on the shows.

I am starting to bake as a source of income.. kinda as a side jaunt off the hobby department.. for friends and family.. that sorta thing. I just got my first call today.. I'll keep you posted as to what happens with it!

As for income in general, I went on an interview today for a consistent babysitting job.. the type I've been trying to line up for years. It would be for a 15 month old little boy, who by the way, is the most precious thing ever. And I would get to play with him, take him places, etc. It would be awesome.. I find out Friday if I got the job! Before I left the dad said he was leaning towards me over the other applicants, so I have a pretty good feeling about it :)

As for the relationship crap I've been dealing with for quite some time now, I am doing exponentially better. Tim being in Europe for 17 days was probably the best thing that could have happened. Having him be completely absent from the internet, which was where all our communication occurs, gave me time to heal and do some serious self reflection. The more I think about and talk it out with others, meaning one person, I'm learning that what everyone was saying was true. He was not the one for me.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every second of our time together, and I learned so much from him. And truth be told, given the chance, I would probably jump to be back with him. But, I have to move on. I don't think I will ever stop loving him. There will probably always be a piece of me that does; but I know for both our sakes, we need to move on to new adventures.

I think about him less and less. It used to be all the time, from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep. Sometimes even in sleep I would dream of him. I am happy to say Tim Price has not been in one of my dreams in over a week! Yes! (Not that I don't enjoy his company, but really. It doesn't help having him around in my psyche..)

Something strange happened to me recently, as long as we're on this type of topic. So, since I wasn't on Blogger for the extent of my 'goings-on' with Cisco, you, my readers, are likely to not know the back story here beyond what I posted before. And honestly, it's really none of your business. However, you should know that I did not talk to the boy because of our falling out for over a year. It was really quite a thing we had going on. Now, he's been coming to the rehearsals for my kids. He was there to help them out a little since he had been in Grease before.. you know, character development type inspirational stuff. Whatever.

So, he was around. And somewhere along the way, he promised the kids he would since "Mooning" for them, since that was the song he had to sing when he played Roger back in the day. And who, may you ask would be his duet partner, Jan? Me. Of course. Because none of us saw that one coming.

So on our last rehearsal day, we sang for the kids. It was strange. Up until then, I had convinced myself that we had both changed so much.. "I wasn't attracted to this kid anymore! Thank God!"

WRONG. We sang together, and it was like everything fell right back into place. It was the us I remembered. I was so drawn to him in that moment. Which stuck with me, obviously. And then I went out, got a little tipsy, and did some texting to him. I really need to stop doing that. But I think it's the only way I have enough courage to say what I really want to say.

A couple days later, he tells me he's having an emotional crisis.. a mental breakdown, if you will. He's having relationship issues.. "I don't want to hurt her."
So I tell him to follow his heart. Do what's right for you, I say.
Something inside me got excited. I don't know why. I was shocked. I was thinking to myself, "Stop it, you can't be with him. He's not the one for you, are you kidding?"
Gracious.

What, brain/heart, whoever is in control right now, are you doing to me? I thought we were done with the Cisco thing. Is this rebounding from Tim? Cisco, really? He is NOT the boy I'm supposed to be with. He doesn't want kids and barely believes in marriage. Seriously, not the one. And I know that, I do.
But why am I still sad they are together?

Recap

So yesterday was my 21st birthday. Finally legal, what?? :)

I have to say, it was an awesome birthday. Started out the day pretty much how I do any other day lately; shower, hang around, eat something. Then around 5pm is when things started happening! My two friends Kristina and Alyssa came over, we had dinner, and then headed over to the elementary school where I've been helping with the play, Grease. I started running around, as per usual, making sure everything was in order. Stuffing programs, miking up the kids, etc. The play got underway; my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, and my two friends came to see the show.. I gotta say the kids did amazing last night. My only complaints are completely based off other people being dumb. Adult wise, that is. A couple of the songs were off tempo, which you could tell was screwing the kids up. But really, they were amazing.

So after the show I got changed (into party clothes, of course) and headed over to the bar. We had such a good night. So many people I knew were there besides all the people I was with, so that was really fun. I had four and a half vodka/cranberries and a shot of tequila/jager. Man oh man was Loretta drunk. They had karaoke, too, which was awesome. I sang twice!

But here's the part that I think I enjoyed the most. Not only did I feel hot and amazing, but I think other people thought I looked good too! There was this one kid I went to high school with who hasn't seen me since I was a junior, and he was telling me that he didn't recognize me because I looked so amazing. He must've said "Really, good job!" to me (in reference to how well I've aged, apparently) about three times.
Then I got some random kid's phone number. He literally walked up to me, said Happy Birthday, gave me his number, and was like "Hi, I'm Steve, gimme a call sometime". HAHA. That never happens to me! I was so confused! I'm used to being the ugly one in the group.. but I was the one with guys coming up to me all night!
I danced with some other random kid for a bit.. no idea who that was. Talked to another friend from high school who is so friggin' hot I can't even stand it.
The bad parts of the night? Probably two drunk dials made to the same person.. which were later perpetuated by a private facebook message I sent. So embarassing. But they say drunk words are sober thoughts, right? Completely true.

So overall, awesome night. Seriously, it was fantastic. I got wasted, but I didn't get sick, and I felt great about myself for the first time in a while. Yay! 21st birthday: success.

It certainly has been a while..

Well it definitely has been a while since I updated. Last night I was thinking of updating and then I realized what was happening all these days when I didn't blog. I think I was subconciously avoiding my blog. Strange as it sounds, but it seems to be the only safe place where I can be completely honest about how I'm actually feeling and what's going on in my head. And since I haven't been enjoying what's going on in my head, and been trying to supress how I'm really feeling lately, blogging would bring those feelings up. But I know I have to face them eventually, so here it goes.

I miss him still. I know you as my readers are probably sick of hearing about this whole thing, but even though it's now been almost a month since I've even seen him, it's still all very real for me. I talked to him recently, however. Anything that had been left in the air, the questions I had.. they are no more. We talked about it all. And when I say talked, I mean Facebook chat. Beautiful, right?

I just had to get some answers, especially before he took off to Europe for more than two weeks. Since that time could be used if necessary. I was waiting for him. I think I secretly thought that he would turn around, get his shit together, and come back to me.

He's not coming back to me. It's very hard to admit I know that. He's not coming back to me. He's not coming back to me. He's not coming back to me.

He says, we have to start moving on. Ha. We are not going to be doing anything. There is no we, remember? You ended the we. I was ready to give everything, to risk everything, to give us a chance. But you weren't. Which is fine. But know this.

No matter what anyone says, what anyone tells you. I was in love with you. And it wasn't about anything else except you, as a person, wholly and completely. I wanted you. Not gonna lie, I still kinda want you. It hurts like nothing I've ever felt, but I still want you.

I'm doing better overall though. It doesn't make me feel like I'm going to vomit when I think of being with someone else besides him. I'm using the time he's in Europe to stop clicking on his profile so much. To stop listening to his CD. To stop watching the videos. To stop rereading conversations. To stop looking through pictures. To get out of my dark room and bed and go enjoy the world.. well, try to at least. To flirt...

Ow. Okay that last one was harder. I feel like I won't be able to get over him until I meet someone new. I'm in the market for my new boy. So, if you know of anyone for me, my few readers, let me know. Don't tell them about Tim. They just have to be wonderful. Completely wonderful.. because they have big shoes to fill.

i need to vent. ready? go.

Okay, so I already kinda vented on needtotellsomeone.com the other day, but i need to vent again. Ha. And guess who gets to listen? You, my few blog followers!

Again, this post will most likely be mostly about Tim. Very sorry, but really, it's all I think about. So, here it goes.

So you know how when someone changes their profile picture on facebook, it shows up in your news feed? Well, the other day, I noticed that among the many people who changed their profile pictures that day, Tim was one of them. So, as any person does, since facebook is a place to foster creeper tendencies, I went to his profile to check it out. I clicked on his profile picture so I could see it bigger, and noticed something disturbing after doing such. When in his profile pictures album, I noticed that the picture he had of the two of us for a while during the time in which we were dating (which he had changed with multiple other pictures since) had been deleted. Not just, oh, I'll change my profile picture. It was completely deleted. Naturally, I became very upset. How much do I really mean to him if he's trying to eliminate evidence of us? Is he moving on?

Now, of course, then comes the most important question: Am I reading too far into this? I don't think so. While I most definitely overreacted with a passive aggressive facebook status that ensued a mini-text fight with Tim (we've made up), I question what caused him to need to delete that picture after all this time has passed. We're coming up on a month that we've been broken up. And I can surely tell you, it has felt like the longest month of my life. The most difficult, painful, and excruciating month of my life. Maybe with the exception of when my Nana died and I started college, this has probably been one of the worst months ever. I hate to say it, really, because I feel like I'm falling into that trap of something I have always tried to avoid.

I always told myself I would never be that girl. The one who completely devoted herself to someone so that if it ever ended, she fell apart and didn't know how to exist. I am that girl. I truly don't know what to do with myself. I haven't felt happy since I was with him. Yes, I've had some fun times, but as soon as I start having fun, something reminds me of him, and I feel like jumping off a bridge. No, wait. That's a lie.

I don't feel like jumping off a bridge. I feel like getting into my car. Getting into my car and driving two hours and thirteen minutes to New Jersey and walking up to his front door and kissing him.

I'm starting to fall into questioning myself. I didn't do that in the beginning, because I knew it was completely his issue, which I guess I still know, but what did I do wrong? Plenty, I'm sure. I'm beginning to doubt myself.. my worth... how much I really meant to him. I guess that's the hardest part. Knowing how much I meant..... mean...to him. Does he still care beyond "Oh, well she's my ex-girlfriend and I feel obligated to make sure she's okay?"

It's so hard to have a relationship.. friendship, that is.. online. Or through technology in general. I can't tell what his facebook im's really are trying to convey.. or what emotions are behind his text messages. It sucks.

You know, when I got home from school on May 7th, it was really like living through the whole break-up all over again. I suppose being at school and still hanging out with him was hard too, obviously, but this is worse. Not seeing him, is worse. I think seeing him kind of put on a sort of mirage for my brain.. my heart. Telling both that he was still there.. that things weren't that different. But see, here's the thing. They are different. So different.

I still miss him. It's funny, yesterday I got together with an old friend and we discussed our history. We hadn't really talked beyond drunk dialing in over a year. It was because we had a falling out. See, here's what happened. I never really talked about it online because it was another one of those things that was really hurtful and awful. But, I mean, this happened before I had this blog, back in my livejournal days, so I suppose this story could be out in cyberspace somewhere. Well, here's the Reader's Digest version.

Basically, we had been friends forever. Me and my friend Cisco. We figured out yesterday that we've known each other for almost seven years. We began having feelings for each other, and we both knew it. Somewhere along the way, we both got too chicken shit to do anything about it. Except, November 2009, that all changed. I told him how I felt. He had known all along, but it was better to get it out in the open. Both our emotions went crazy, we made out in my car (my first kiss), and then I went back to Keene. Over the course of that month, while we were texting flirtatiously back and forth, he had other things going on. By January, he had a girlfriend. Who wasn't me. So I stopped talking to him. He led me on and hurt me terribly. I was never in love with him, but he was so close to me that I didn't understand how he could hurt me so. And there's lots of other stuff that I'm not going to talk about on my public blog, but it was complicated. In short, it was awkward. And yesterday, we hashed everything out. And now we're good. And it's awesome.

It's funny because I used to miss Cisco. Eventually, I stopped missing him in the romantic sense. But see, we never went out. I never was in love with him. Were there a lot of complicated emotions that went along with that whole thing? Absolutely. But it was nothing like this.

I used needtotellsomeone.com to basically write what I want to say to Tim (but can't) in a sort of letter form. It felt so good to get all of it off my chest, but it made me realize something. And talking to Cisco about it helped me realize the following as well.

I have no idea where to start in moving on from Tim. Obviously, at least I think, he may be starting to move on. I would wait for him if there was something to be waiting for, but I can't wait for him forever. I'm not going to put my life on hold and wait for him to get his shit together if he's not going to. I feel like whenever I talk to him, I'm being annoying. Or that having a conversation is like pulling teeth. Maybe it's the guise of the internet, and knack it has for confusion since one cannot really tell what a person's emotions are based off that.

::Sigh::.

Why does this all have to be so friggin' complicated? Honestly, I feel like God has betrayed me a bit. I remember the day we broke up I was crying hysterically as I was driving home, and at one point I started screaming at God. I asked "Why did you send him to me if you were going to take him away?"

I know at least a couple reasons why Tim was sent into my life. He showed me how I deserve to be treated, for one thing. My self confidence went through the roof compared to what it was before him. He brought me back to music. So many things.

What scared me was that there was nothing about him that I wanted to change. For me, he was perfect. And then, like that, he was gone, and not mine anymore.

I think he may have even said something to his mom about how it makes him uncomfortable that she contacts me on facebook still.. commenting on statuses, etc. She doesn't do it anymore. Seriously, Tim. What did I do wrong?

Maybe they were all right. All those people who told me that there was more going on. Which I know is completely true. You have a lot going on. Internally, externally. But I was there for you. Constantly. Unconditionally. And you couldn't see it. You couldn't let down that wall. You always spend so much time caring for others that you can't even let someone care for you.

And as I sit in my room every day and wish you were here.. as I listen to your CD and your beautiful voice.. as I look for myself in the wake you left behind.. I think of how Saturday will be the only anniversary we will celebrate. The one month mark of being broken up. Awesome.

I suppose I should update...

I suppose I should update. That's what people typically do when they have a blog, right?

I want to apologize in advance, as this post will most likely not be very uplifting, adding to a newfound theme of depression in my blog. But I am being completely honest with you, my readers, since I cannot be completely honest in real life. When I started this blog, I promised I would not censor myself, and with recent goings on, I feel that there is nothing that should squash that promise.

So, I've officially been home for a week now. It's felt like an eternity. This is the first time in all the years I've been in college that I've actually wanted to go back. It's a very strange feeling, but I really don't want to be home. I want to go back to school. Yet, I can't figure out if it's only because I'm missing people so much. And when I say people, I miss my friends, yes, but we all know who I'm really missing. This week has been really tough. I think it finally set in that Tim graduated. Then again, there's still a little part of me that expects to see him when I move back to Keene in August. It's not going to happen.

A lot of things I want probably aren't going to happen. I want him back. As much as I try to avoid it, or convince myself that I'm a completely functioning person without him, that I am better without him... I'm not. I can honestly say with all sincerity that the happiest I have ever been in my life was when I was with him. It's funny, right before Saturday I went down to his room to pick up a CD from him and we had a discussion. I wanted to talk to him before the craziness of graduation started, before everyone showed up and we wouldn't have any more time alone. I told him how much I was grateful for him; I mean, despite how things ended so soon, he did do wonders for my self confidence and esteem, he showed me how to appreciate music again.. I haven't sang like this in years.. I told him I didn't regret anything. And we talked about how I was worried that we'd lose touch.. he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Are you kidding?"

Here's the problem. I know it's been hard for me. And I know it was hard for him in the beginning especially, but we're very similar in the sense that he doesn't show how he is really feeling most of the time. He would rather get hurt himself than hurt other people, so he's not the type to flaunt his pain. I don't know where he is at in this whole thing. See, I think I'm just... I was about to type confused, but I'm not confused. I know exactly what I want. I want him. I want Timothy Ryan James Price. But I don't know where he is, there's the confusion.

I suppose my confusion is completely based in him. What are his feelings about us lately? Why is he still putting up this wall... I can feel it, his family can feel it.. ugh. This just sucks. Plain and simple. I feel bad that I keep talking about to, well, everyone. But really, it's the only thing going on in my brain. And missing him this much, pretty much all of my energy goes into getting out of my bed in the morning, so I apologize, but I can't stop. When you love someone like I love him, and this is how things are, there's no getting around this shit.

I have a little plan for myself however. I'm going to give myself the majority of the summer to think about it. I have my 21st birthday coming up and my cousin's wedding (where I hear there are going to be lots of hot single men); so another words, there's going to be opportunities to meet new man type people. While right now thinking of being with anyone else hurts the hell out of my heart, I am going to try to be open. And if at the end of the summer I still can't stop thinking about him, and I still want to be with him, than I'm going to talk to him about it. Until then, I'm going to attempt to be pleasant.

I think my dilemma is since I don't know where he is in this whole thing, I don't know how much contact with him is appropriate. I mean, I struggle with, "Shit, Loretta, do not text that boy", but yeah. It sucks. I can't even turn off my phone either, it won't turn off. Piece of crap. But, he's going to Europe with his parents (his graduation present) at the end of the month, so that's at least a couple week stretch where I have no choice but to not contact him. He'll be in Europe on my birthday, which is probably a good thing since I have a tendency to call and text everyone I shouldn't when I'm inebriated.

So I suppose to sum up, I'm a mess. No getting around it, it seems. My name is Loretta, and I can't stop being in love with Timothy Ryan James Price. I guess the first step is admitting you have a problem.